AIMS & GOALS

"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our
aim is too high & we miss it.  Rather, it's that we aim
too low & we reach it."    – Michelangelo

WHAT A WEEK!

First a earthquake that literally rocked my world and now a hurricane that brings us in MoCo tropical storm winds and rains.....bring it on Irene.  I'm ready for you I've been through worse!

READING ALOT!

Yes, I am, reading a lot these days.  I don't sleep so might as well read and then that puts me to sleep for an hour or two then I wake again and read again and repeat the cycle.  I'm also trying to read books I don't really want to move but do want to read.  Most of them hav e been on my shelf for way to long. I just finished a book that I remember years ago that someone , I think it was Stephanie, told me was really bizarre.  It's Our Lady of the Lost and Found by Diane Schoemperlen.  It's a bout a visit by the Virgin Mary to a writer, and yes it was rather bizarre.  Not so much for the story, but more how it was written.  However, as is usual when I read lately I found a quote in it that I don't want to lose.  So here it is.

"....the hardest person in the world to forgive is yourself.  And..the hardest person in the world to have faith in is also yourself.  I am still trying to reconcile who I am now with who I was then.  I know my former self is still there, waving to me through time just like a phantom limb.  I am still trying to figure out how I am both am and am not the person I was then, the person I appear to be now, the person that I think I am; how I both am and am not the person that I will eventually become.  If who I am now is the "real" me, than who was the person I used to be; an impostor, a fugitive in disguise, the out -of-focus shadow of my future self?  If who I am now is the :real" me, than who is the person I will be twenty or thirty years from now?"

Yep?  Just who was I, who am I and who will I become?????

BROKEN LIFE????

Well as the days progress more things in my life continue to break down...two weeks ago health broke down and shingles broke out....last week car broke down.....this week wireless system in the house seems to be dead.  Ah that is life.  The good news is the the shingles have receded....car is fixed, of course at a major cost,...I do have a wire that I can use to still get on the Internet AND soon everything will be or will have broken and there will be nothing left to break down.  Fortunately at the moment my sense of humor is still in tact and I will just take things one moment at a time......and look toward what I hope will be a "fixed up" future. 

I found this on a friends FaceBook status this morning.  She had read it on one of her friends FB pages.  I needed to keep it somewhere safe to be able to read on a regular basis; at least for the next few months or so.  At least till life settles down for me which it has to do sometime......well it better sometime! So of course for me there is no better place to keep things but here.  So here it is:

"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

Thank you Melissa for reposting this from your friend.  This morning it seemed to be a message meant for me!

HOT! HOT! HOT!!!!!!!!

Yep the heat has moved east......today got up to 100+.  Tomorrow is to be hotter and the humidity is well lets just say tonight you if could wring out the air you could get lots of water out of it. From my drive down the interstate this morning to get to a Doctor's visit my unscientific observation is that as the temps go up it seems drivers speed goes up as well.  I was driving along in the far right lane minding my own business when suddenly I thought geez I must be too relaxed and impeding traffic by going slower than I thought.  The cars in the three lanes to the left of me were whizzing by leaving me in the dust.  Quickly I checked my speedometer....I was doing almost 10 miles over the speed limit!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So glad I was on the road this morning and not at the height of the heat!  Funny thing is.  I wanted to stay on my car as long as possible.  No need to be in a hurry to get anywhere.  The A/C in the car is much colder than that in my house!

MEDITATION I NEED TO PRACTICE

This morning as is my usual practice I went to my e-mail and first read the Upper Room Reflection for the day.  Often this short devotion seems aimed directly at me and my needs.  Today was a case of this.  The devotion reminded me of a bible verse I have posted on my refrigerator and that I have been trying to live by since 1998 when I began to work of our church and things where in a struggle there.  I began praying it and claiming in as a verse for the church.  Over time I claimed it as my own.  The verse is Jeremiah 29:11.  It is highlighted in my bible. Probably I have written about in in past posts on this BLOG.

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope."

This is where my refrigerator magnet ends.  But as I read it today I realize that I need to go on to verse 12-14.

"Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you.  When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord,  and I will restore your fortunes and gather you up from all the nations, and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you in exile."

Jeremiah is speaking in these verses to the Israelite people who have been taken out of Jerusalem and into captivity by the Babylonians I believe,  He is giving them hope that they have not been abandoned by their God.  That God indeed does have a plan for them and it is a plan for their good.  Jeremiah is also calling the people back to God.  Calling them to turn to God and seek him.  I believe God does no less for his people today.  That he does no less for me.  The Israelite people felt abandoned by their God.  Yes, I at times also feel abandoned.  Yet God does not; he can not abandon his people or me.  I need to remember this no matter how dark my nights get.  I need to remember Jeremiah 29:11 it daily.  I need to not just walk by as it sits on my refrigerator.

Ah....but what does all this have to do with the title of this post. Not really anything.  My ADD kicked in and I got sidetracked from where I began.  At the bottom of the daily reflections devotion are a series of weekly suggestions for other helps in daily living with faith and God.  Among the helps this week was a link to an article on Meditation for Distress, Disease or Pain by Robert Corin Morris. Having a lot of all three of these things in my life at the moment it caught my attention.  I read it thought maybe this is something that could help me get through the coming days and months.  I don't want to forget where it is so the best place to put it is here.  The title of the BLOG post has a link to the article as does it's mention here.  So hopefully I will remember it is here when I need it!

WHAT WILL THEY DO?

Our President and congressional leaders are meting tonight.  What will they do?  I feel they are playing a major game of  "chicken" with my life and my future and that of many Americans.  This really scares me and really ticks me off.  Yes, I agree America need to comes to grips with their spending beyond their means.  However why must it always be the little and middle folks that have to bear the brunt of the cuts and financial down turn.  What exempts the wealthy from sharing in the solution?  I am by no means part of the lowest class of America, but neither am I wealthy.  I am just an average American who is scared to death that all I have strived and saved for is going to go up in a puff of political smoke.  Members of  congress should live no better, have no better or sure health insurance or retirement than the people they supposedly  represent.  Notice I said represent not the people who have the influence or funds to buy them their position in congress.  Am I bitter...maybe...am I terrified for the future of the average American....YOU BET!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!

It's the 4th of July; America's birthday.  It's a day where Americans join together to celebrate the freedoms that we enjoy in this country.  It's a day of family, friends, picnics, and fireworks.  I hope it has been a special day for you.  Right now I'm watching A Capitol Fourth on PBS.  It certainly looks as if the people downtown on the mall are having a wonderful time.  The heat and humidity doesn't seem to be bothering anyone.  Soon it will be time for the DC fireworks.  I remember the fun times we had as a family down on the mall exclaiming over their beauty. We only went two or three times but that was enough to create memories that will last.  Then there were the times watching the fireworks sitting on the hood of the car at Lakeforest Mall.  Yes it was a good life
Maybe next year I will find someone to share the enjoyment of fireworks with. They just aren't the same solo.  Somethings are meant to be shared.  Actually I've discovered most things in life are meant to be shared.  At least that's my experience these past 18 months.
Ah it's time for the 1812 Overture  

A NEW QUOTE FOUND

I think we all know how much I love finding quotes that I want to remember. The best place I know to put them is here on my BLOG.  I tag them as a quote so when I want to review the quotes that have meant something to me over the months and years of writing I can find them again.  This morning I read a quote that definitely is one I need to remember and review often.

"Let go of what you THINK life should be so you can experience the life you have."

~~Rhonda Britten.

This needs to be my mantra chanted every morning when I wake up!   I spend way to much time dwelling on what I thought my life was or what it should be that I am afraid I am missing out on what it is and seeing the good in it.  I may not be living the life I envisioned for myself, but I have a life I am living.  I need to live it and I need to trust that it is in all its imperfection a good life. 

FATHER'S DAY 2011

Ah, Father's Day.  A day when families come together and celebrate the fathers in them.  What can I say but how much I miss having a father to celebrate with.  Its been a day of remembrance.  I miss being with the various fathers that have been in my life.  We are all separate be it by miles, physical death, or death of a relationship, but the memories are all still intact and for those I am grateful!  A big thank you to the Father's and also Grandfather's in my life.  I love you all!

FROM...THE LETTER

As I've been working to clear out the house of 28 years of accumulated stuff I've been reading a lot of books to try and relax in the evening.  I really enjoy reading and try to make time each morning and evening to do a bit.  It was interesting that in a devotional I read earlier in the week the thought was presented that in every story we read God can be found.  I think the authors premise was that where ever there is protection, love, help, serving, and such it is God that is behind those acts.  The author of the  devotion challenged his readers to look for God's presence in everything we read and everything we experience during a days time.  Not sure if I follow his thinking about God being found in every book I've read, but it an interesting thought.

The book I am reading at the moment is The Letter by Richard Paul Evans.  It is the last book in The Christmas Box collection. I've already read The Christmas Box and The Timepiece. All are easy and quick reads and for light reading they are enjoyable. There were several statements made by one of the characters in the chapter of the book as he tried to help a friend deal with the pain of separation that stuck me this morning.  He said "We all got things under our skin.  Everybody does.  Like a glass sliver. Can't see nothin' there, but it works its way in deeper until it gets to festerin' and hurts so that we are ready just to cut the whole thing out."  Yep I guess I would have to agree with Lawrence.  I think at some time of our lives each and everyone of us has a glass sliver that has to be cut out or the festerin' gets real back and infection sets in.  If not taken car of the infection can kill us.  A shot while later Lawrence responds to David who has just said his wife  fell out of love with him, " David, you talk 'bout love like it a hole.  Somethin' you can fall in and out of."  David responds, "Isn't it?" Lawrence answers,  "That ain't love at all, just squirrel fever.  Just a storm of emotion....Real love ain't that way.  It's more like a tree or plant or somethin'....Grows if you mind it.  But it takes work and sacrifice.  No one stand back of a neglected tree and watch it die and say, 'Guess that tree just ain't suppose to live.'  Only a fool would talk like that.  But people   do it all the time with their love."

Maybe not God found here, but maybe a message I need to hear. 

IT'S INTERESTING....

So what's interesting might ask.  Well of course a lot of things are.  Tonight, for me, I am finding it interesting all the things in my life that I at one time thought were important enough to save. Things such as old calendars, old DayTimers, half used spiral notebooks, clothes decades out of date, tiny scraps of paper and fabric, old greeting cards that celebrated holidays and love, report cards, pictures from nursery walls, and the list goes on.  Some of these things may have some use still in them such as the old clothes, but they certainly won't do anything to raise my self image; or the scraps of paper and fabric but I have enough left over tiny scraps do I really need them all?  Some of the items like the calendars and DayTimers provide a small window into my past activities such as it was March of 2002 that I broke my left arm during a stage practice of Gypsy, but most of the entries are rather mundane and even more of the pages are blank. Old report cards????  I have mine and each of the kids.  WHY?  As for the cards.  I guess I kept them because someone once told me that when you get down and feeling sad its nice to have past greeting cards to pull and remind yourself of the good times and love people had for you.  Well some times that works other times.......not so much.
So why do we keep so much?  I don't believe I am the only one who does.  If I was people wouldn't moan about having to clear out a relative's home after they pass on.  So I continue on my quest to sort through a life time of memories and accumulations and I do my best to determine what is truly important and what is just stuff.  The stuff goes and a lot has gone.  The truly important stuff is savored and then put back on the shelf.  I doubt I will ever get down to 100 items like some minimalists achieve, but I will reduce the detritus of my life considerably.  The old framed pictures from the nursery walls are going but the homemade Mother's Day cards with a child's hand prints and those hokey poems are right back in the memory box and there they will remain.  

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

Each days Upper Room devotional reading has a Thought For The Day at the end of it.  I think today's thought is very pointed to me.  It is:

Make a list of the signs of hope around you.

Actually this is probably one of the most important things was all could do each day.  Today I will make this list because even before I read it I was for the first time in a long time aware of the beauty of the day today and the hope I have for a future.  Funny that I should have been feeling that way on the day that some are saying will be the beginning of the end of the world.  

So here is my list of signs of hope as of this morning:

1. The birds are singing a beautiful song outside my family room window.
2. There is a wonderfully cool and fresh breeze coming in my family room window.
3. After a dreary gray week of rain the sky is a beautiful blue.
4. My lawn has just be cut an even with the profusion of clover and weeds is a gorgeous fresh green.
5. I actually have a day off from work that has no plans for it at all.
6. My mom is home and well.
7. In my sorting and cleaning I found a friendship ring given by my grandfather to my grandmother and am now wearing it. It's made of copper I think and though there are those that say that copper does not help joint pain this ring is helping the joints on the hand I am wearing it.
8. I actually am looking forward to a day devoted to housework.
9. Next weekend is the wedding of my nephew and I look forward to celebrating love.
10. I have a good Shepherd who is walking with me through this life and all it brings my way and he will see me through the "valley of the shadow".  I am currently re-reading A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 and this was the focus of  today's chapter.

So I will go on into today with these thoughts and I will look for other signs of hope in my day. Why not look for them in yours as well.  

MORE TRIVIA FROM MEMORIES FOUND

Tonight I continue to go through boxes of memorabilia these boxes go back into the mid and late 60's:

• My Senior pictures in 1968 cost $31.00
• Senior class fees amounted to $15.75
• Round trip air fare to London in 1967 cost $353 on BOAC (anyone remeber that airline???
• A passport in 1967 cost $2.50
• I was not a stellar jr high student....except in Chorus
• Lowest report card grades through out HS were math and science yet on college entrance exams highset scores were math and science????
• Matches from 1969 restaurant visits still light
• A custom made prom dress cost $50 in 1968 
• A 1966 pay stub found from job at local pubic library.  $11.40 for two weeks work.

Next up going through memory box from college years........

ALWAYS A SCRAPBOOKER!

Scrapbooks are full of memories and also interesting information.  In sorting through the contents of boxes I have found scrapbooks I made 40 years ago and more. To think that young women today think they have stumbled across some new activity.  From what I can tell its just a much more costly activity today!  No stickers or designer paper in my old scrapbooks.  Simply hand drawn pictures and hand written notes.  There is lots of cards and memorabilia in them and very few if any photos. 

It is very interesting seeing how people signed their cards.  Also it is interesting to look back and see who the cards are from.  Lots of people who were friends, but whom have faded out of my life over the years.  There are some sad or bittersweet memories found inside really old scrapbooks.  Lots of wedding invitations from the early 70's and to the best of my knowledge only one marriage is still intact.  Not a good commentary on the children of the 50's and 60's.  Or at least not a good commentary on the people I befriended. Fortunately I can say that to the best of my knowledge only a very few friends represented in these scrapbooks has died. 

Now for a bit more trivia fund in looking through these scrapbooks:  Hotel rooms in NYC could be found for $30 a night and in Watkins Glen for $16 a night; Broadway tickets could be had for $6.50; Guided tours of the UN cost 50 cents.  All this in fall of 1971.  Disney World in 1972 cost $5.95 for an 11 attraction ticket book and one day in the Magic Kingdom (of course all there was there was the Magic Kingdom); parking there cost 50 cents a day; You could visit and take a bus tour of  the Kennedy Space Center for $2.50.   Also in 1972 Cypress Gardens was still in operation.

I still have more scrapbooks to go through.  They can't be kept and I guess why should they.  They represent ancient history at this point and there will be no room for them in my future.  If there were photos I might think other wise, but you know its interesting how Hallmark cards have not changed over the decades other than the price that is....in 1972 a special card cost 50 cents! 

CONFIRMATION

From today's devotion and bible reading:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick:

a wish come true is a staff of life.

~~Proverbs 13:12

I've found lots of wisdom in reading Proverbs.  Also some advice.  Chapter 13 is very interesting reading.

MEMORIES

Memory is a child walking along a seashore.  You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things.  ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

 Going through a home that has been lived in almost 28 years and contains memorabilia of a lifetime has become almost overwhelming.  I have discovered many "pebbles" that have been picked up and stored away over the years.  The dilemma is what memory to keep with a physical representation and what memories can survive simply in the heart.  There just won't be room as I downsize to keep all memorabilia that has been collected.   

There have been so many vacations, so many milestones, so many life events.  Which ones are most important to memorialize with things, or are the things attached to the memory just clutter.  What to do with that special quilt, the shelves of photos, the slides, the postcards and letters, a grandfathers rocking chair...the list seems endless and every drawer opened reveals more.  Some memory items go back generations.  But the  sorting must be done and the decisions must be made....keep this; dispose of that.  

I keep trying to tell myself I am not dismantling a life, but preparing for a continuation into a new phase of the life and there needs to be room for new memories: That this sorting and disposing of things from the past doesn't destroy or denigrate the past.  I tell myself memories are more than "pebbles" picked up along life's path.  They are things stored in the heart and the heart has an endless amount of space for them. 

Oscar Wilde shares a thought on memories in The Importance of Being Earnest--

 Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us.  

I can do this.  Its not quick and its not easy, but I can do this.  I pray I make wise decisions on what to keep in form of a memory item and what to keep in my heart unattached to a thing.  More impotantly I hope I don't accidentally dispose of  someone else's memory. 

A DAY FOR LOVE AND DREAMS COME TRUE!

A yes it seems today is a day for love and for dreams come true. From early morning to late at night, today all the news revolves around young love and the possibility that any young girl could one day meet her prince charming and become a princess.  I've been somewhat amazed at the amount of time that has been spent in looking and re-looking at the wedding of Prince William and Katherine.  They say over 1 MILLION people in the streets of London all trying to be part of this wondrous wedding and estimates of up to 2 BILLION people watching the wedding live on TV.  What is the drawing factor of this event?  Why is it that I really couldn't get into being a part of the event in real time?  I don't know.  Am I jealous or jaded about love?  Do I want to ignore others love since I seemed to be a failure at it myself?  Have I given up on the belief that dreams can become reality. Or is it simply that I am just to busy living my life, such as it is, to want to spend early morning hours celebrating this wedding.  I  have no idea what makes me unaffected by this wedding when it seems the whole world is enthralled and enchanted by it.  I wish I could feel thrilled and excited by it, but I just don't. Does this make me a bad or sad person?

DREAMS

A blog that I follow and receive e-mails from had some things for thought about following your dreams.
The writer of the blog asked the question "If you knew that tomorrow you could not fail, what would you put on your drawing board today?"  Then she went on to ask "What's holding you back?  Fear? Time? Money?"

Interesting questions to ask yourself.  I think that I will spend some time today while on the train trip from NC back to MD mulling these questions.  I'm not totally sure what I would put on the drawing board today if I knew I would not fail, but I don't even have to think about what would hold me back.  Probably all of the above; fear, time and money.  I definitely have a strong fear of failure.  Time is definitely a factor when combined to energy levels.  Then there is the money issue.  There is truth that we find both time and money for what is really important to us.  I have seen that in my life if I am honest about it.  So I guess it comes down to the fear factor.  What did Mary have to say about fear?  "If your fear of a negative outcome is keeping you from even trying, you will never succeed."

So I  have lots to think about today.  Is my fear of failure to keep me in the future from even attempting to make my dreams come true.  Can I step out in faith and go into a new tomorrow confident in my dreams?

Oh, the Blog I follow and got these thoughts from is Laying Some Tracks
Mary Hunt always has great tips for living life to the fullest yet within your means.  Check you her web site Debt Proof Living.

ONE DOORWAY FROM HEAVEN

I just finished a book by this title written by Dean Koontz.  In the book a character asks the question "What will you find behind the door that is one door away from Heaven?"   Every person that was asked this question had an answer, but only one got it right the first time asked.  I'm not sure there is one right answer to this question.  It may be that different people would find different things.  I'm not sure what my answer would be, but I love the answer given by Leilani: "If your heart is closed, then you will find behind that door nothing to light your way. But if your heart is open, you will find behind that door people, who like you, are searching, and you will find the right door together with them.  None of us can ever save himself; we are the instruments of one another's salvation, and only by the hope we give to others do we lift ourselves out of the darkness into the light."

We need people to walk this journey called life with us.  To walk the journey alone is to live in darkness.  We need to live our life in a manner that gives others hope.  Without hope life becomes, I think, meaningless and very dark indeed.  

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME INTO SOMETHING I AM NOT!

I just had a birthday.  Not a biggy, that was last year, but none the less I received many cards from friends.  A number of them besides wishing me a "Happy Birthday" also commented on my strength in the past year that has been an inspiration to them.  I'm happy that I can provide inspiration to some, but please don't make me into something I am not.  No pedestals please, the fall from them can be very painful.  To those on the outside I may seem strong.  I may come across as in control.  I may seem happy and excited about my future, but don't be fooled.  I am no different than anyone else.  I am human.  I am scared. I am alone.  I don't know which way to turn next and I have no idea how I will face the future other than putting one foot in front of the other and taking each moment as it comes.  One moment at a time.
This morning I awoke to a phone call letting me know of the death of the husband of a friend.  The wind was knocked out of me like I'm sure it was out of many who were hearing the same news.  I couldn't think....I couldn't speak.  At best I could cry inside my head "God not again! No more I can't handle any more pain, loss and suffering for myself or anyone else.  Where are you?  Have you turned your back on this world?"  My pain was minimal compared to that of Cindy and her children, but it was pain none the less.  I'm sick of death.  I'm sick of loss.  I think it would be fair at this moment to say I'm sick of life.  2011 sucks!  There is no way around it.  At least not for me today, April 1.  I can only wish this is all only a sick April Fools joke.  Unfortunately it is not.....It is life. 
I can only hope that tomorrow will be a better day.  I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.  I will hope that the future will be brighter than the present.  I will try and believe once again in love. And yes I will continue, I guess, to put on a brave front.  I guess that's what I do. I guess that's what lots of us do.  It's whats expected of us.  Please though, don't put me on any pedestals. I don't want to one day fall off.  I am only human and the fall would be more painful than I could bear. Just keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.  Maybe God will listen and the rest of 2011 will be a little less painful, confusing and lonely.  Maybe just maybe he will help show us all how to make some sense out of what has happened in the world so far.  Just maybe........

NOTHING TO BE SAID

There is nothing to be said tonight but cough...hack...cough.  And ouch!  I think I've coughed so hard I've pulled every muscle in my upper body.  Even my forearms and wrists ache!  What ever this is it is not fun!
With pollen popping things will in all likelihood not get any better soon.  :(  Now to watch the President.  I'm sure that will cheer me up........NOT!  More reasons just given be at yet another war that is not a war.

OLD MOVIES

As part of working to clean out the house so it can be readied for sale I am going through old VHS tapes.  You know those ones that we used to record those TV shows and movies on in order to watch them at a later date.  It is turning out to be a very interesting activity.  This technology of the 20th century did not allow the skipping of advertisements or news briefs.  Currently I am watch movies recorded in 1991, 10 years ago.  They probably were recorded when I was too busy or tired from raising  10, 8,  and a 6 year olds to watch TV at night without falling asleep. Oh, they may have been on a night I was working at Julie's Quilt shop.  So here are some interesting history I am being reminded of.....George Bush senior was president of the USA at the time.  The minimum wage was raised to $4.25.  People were be encouraged to continue using generic drugs even though there were some manufacturing problems with certain of them; from the way this story was read it sounded as if generic drugs were a relative new thing.  The Soviet Union still existed but was soon to fall.  By the end of 1991 it no longer existed.  Now for those who think prices have gotten out of control....The Red Lobster ShimpFest was being advertised for $10.95.  Frank Herzog was also still doing sports on ABC here in Washington DC.  Oh and the movies were recorded from the ABC Monday Night Movie.  Ah yes those were the good old days!  I never thought I would say I wish I could go back, but I think I maybe do wish I could go back and do a few things differently.

ANOTHER VACATION???

Yes I said another vacation.  I've already had two this year and I am ready for another one.  I was ready the day I got home from my last. I've done a lot of thinking as to why this is.  Vacations are fun but being at home should be also fun and one does need to work AND I do enjoy my various jobs.  So why do I want so leave again.  Is it just running away?  In a way yes it is, but it also is running to something.  What I like so much about being on vacation is that when I go to bed at night there is someone to say good night too and when I get up in the morning I just need to walk out of the bedroom to find someone to say good morning to.  In other words on vacations I'm not alone when at "home". 
Even when I cruised to the Bahamas in a cabin by myself I just got dressed in the morning and headed to the dining room where I had a table full of people to great the day with.  On vacation meals are eaten with people not in front of the TV or in a chair by myself. 
So yes I've already had more vacations than most people at this point of the year, but I am ready for another. 

A PEAK AT A WONDERFUL WEEK AT SEA!

ACCEPTANCE

The word for yesterday and today seems to be "acceptance".  It is showing up everywhere in my reading of devotions, magazines and books.  Two quotes that pertain to is are from Paul Tournier.

• Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.
• At the heart of personality is the need to feel a sense of being lovable without having to qualify for that acceptance.

These two quotes approach acceptance from two different sources. 

The first is a self acceptance of  what life throws at you. It comes from with-in.  I'm glad to have found this because I think that I have struggled with acceptance of circumstances that I don't want or like as being a form of resignation. I was thinking of that a lot yesterday when my devotional reading had the quote "It is as it is".  The devotion was talking about dealing with unexpected and nasty things life throws at us.  When negative thoughts about the unwanted life event come the writer suggested repeating "it is what it is"  and then with God's help moving on, but he also stressed that acceptance and resignation are not one and the same.  He went on to say yesterday is history and it can not be rewritten.  By praying "it is what it is" the author suggests our heart can be opened to tomorrow's hope.  So from Paul Tournier and the devotion I learn acceptance does not equal resignation, but that acceptance can lead to hope.

The second Tournier quote deals with an acceptance that comes to us from outside sources.  The feeling of being lovable without having to do something to qualify for that love.  The I'm OK.  It is true we need to accept, love, and be OK with ourselves; but equally it is important to be accepted by another outside of our self.  That acceptance is I think critical to who we are and who we become. I think Paul Tournier would agree.

Psalm 62: 5-6

"For God alone my soul waits in silence for my hope is from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken." 

~~Psalm 62:5-6

I can not honestly say that I have reached the point in my faith journey where I can not be shaken.  I wish I could, but that would be hiding from reality.  Last night and this morning I have to accept the fact that I have been once again shaken to my core.  I wait and I place my hope in God, but I do so, I think, not so much that I trust him, but out of the sense there is no where else to go.  At the moment nothing makes sense to me.  There is too much pain not only in my life but in the lives of so many friends.  There is so much uncertainty.  There is so much despair that never seems to end.  Even when you think it has it simply comes back in another form.  Today I will live with this verse.  I will try my best to carry it with me through the activities of the day.  I will work to make it my own: to get to the place where I can declare with confidence that God alone is my rock and my salvation; I shall not be shaken!

From my morning devotional once again....

"The deepest comfort in our mourning is to know that God not only has compassion but actually feels our suffering with us." 

~~Flora Slosson Weullner from her book Forgiveness, the Passionate Journey

I have thought and wondered about this concept often in the last year.  The idea that God might actually feel my suffering with me.  I know and fully accept that he knows my suffering, but the understanding and acceptance that he "feels" my suffering along with me is harder for me.

As I understand it one of the purposes of  God sending his Son, a apart of himself, to earth was so that we would have a means by which we could learn and know the nature of God.  As humans we struggle to know God, if for no other  reason than he is God and we are human.  Jesus came and dwelt among us and he was BOTH God and human. God allowed himself to take on the traits of and experience being human.  I'm not so sure that is any easier for me to understand than the nature of God, but I accept it on faith and I look to Jesus to learn about God.

Jesus, from what I read in my Bible experienced every emotion that I have felt.  He cried; he experienced others wanting him to become something he wasn't; he felt pain; he had the need to pull apart for times alone; he felt impatience; he felt sadness; he felt rejection.  The list can go on, but this morning while meditating on this devotion this last item struck me.  Jesus felt rejection! 

Yes, God knows what I am feeling.  He can and does feel my suffering.  Does this make my suffering any less?  No not really, but I think it does make it a little easier to bear and is does make it a little less scary.  Most importantly it does make me feel a little less alone.

The introductory thought from this mornings devotion, also from the same book and author was...

"Pain and sorrow are never wasted when given into God's hands, and their transformation is far beyond our imaginings."

I look forward to that transformation. I get glimpses of it now and then but we humans have, or at least this human has, a hard time putting things into God's hands and leaving them there.  It seems that not only do I need to continue to work on seeking and understanding of God's nature, but I also need to work on fully and totally trusting him with my life and my future.  I try to do both daily.

TWO THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY!

It's not even 10 am (okay for some people I know that is late, but I am a night owl not a morning person) an I already have been given two thoughts to mull over as the day progresses.  Of course from my devotional readings......

"Even to your old age I am he, even when you turn gray I will carry you. I have made ,and I will bear; I will carry and will save." 

   ~~Isaiah 46:4    

Nice to be reminded that God will be with me by my side even as I grow old.  Can't comment on the gray as I already am that.  I try not to think of myself already as old, but I remember going to my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary when I was around 22 and had been only married a year and thinking.  'WOW....there is no way I can make that and they are so vital even though they are so old!  They were probably only in their late 60's and while I was right I will not see my 50th anniversary I'm getting  close to that age!  Where did all those years go?????

The second thought is:

"I often imagine that life would be like if I hadn't made so many mistakes. But then I imagine what my life would be like if I overcame the guilt and moved on.  Maybe I could be stronger than ever."

                ~~Nakia Gater

This was taken from a devotion written for teens, but it certainly is a thought I need to embrace and probably most of use would do well to ponder.  Guilt over the past serves no purpose but dragging down our future.  God did not create us for guilt. I believe guilt is a man made concept.  I think it is one developed by those who want to keep control over the people they continually remind of their failing. We learn guilt at an early age and it becomes part of us. 

So with God's help I plan on overcoming the guilt that has been heaped on me an I have allowed at times take over my life.  The past is past.  I can learn from it but I can not change it.  It is what it is and I need to look forward to today and what my future can be. When it comes to guilt I can become my own worst enemy!  No more.

                                                 

BLIND QUILTER

This woman is amazing and what an inspiration!
I had to share this here so when I get down or I am tempted to think there is nothing that I can do to make a difference I knew where to come to see that everyone can make a difference and limitations we face are of our own making.  WOW!  What an amazing woman and what an amazing God!

WHO AM I?

We all wear masks in our lives.  I think that is just part of being human.  Especially being human in the 20th and 21st centuries.  Everywhere we turn the media, bosses, friends and yes even family are putting expectations on us that force us to put in a mask and be even for a moment or a season what we are not.  Sometimes we take these masks off after the season is past.  Other times they stay in place and we start to believe that this is who we really are.  Rarely I think are we totally comfortable under the mask, but taking it off becomes to risky.

Today is my first day back in MD after a wonderful 2 1/2 week trip.  During that time I experienced for the first time in many many years, 5 days of being in a situation where no one knew me.  I was a total stranger to all.  I tried to be who I was minus any masks.  Alas I discovered even I didn't know who I really was any longer.  Thoughts would come to mind as I watched the sunset or listened to music that I tried to understand if they were mine or that of a hidden person or event from my subconscious telling me "this is how you are supposed to think to be accepted and to be a "good person".  I think it will take considerably longer than 5 days to uncover who I am under the various masks I wear. 

In thinking about all this I uncovered a quote from e.e. cummings that says a lot:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."  

The book I found this quote in says he was 63 when he wrote it.  So if he was discovering this at that age I guess it is not too late for me to discover it.  Today I begin and exploration using various means into rediscovery of ME.  It may sound selfish, but how can I know where to head in the rest of my life if I don't know who I am.  Probably should have done this years ago, however I was too busy putting on the masks of life to figure it all out.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if I found out I wore no masks at all but really was true to myself and how God made me, but you know I doubt that will be the case. 

One encouraging thought is that wearing masks and trying to please people did not work.  It did not place me in the life position where I wanted to be at this point. 

LIFE'S BIGGEST TRAGEDY

I found this quote in today''s devotional reading.  I think it bears some thought:

"The tragedy in life is not in the fact of death but in what dies inside us while we live."

~~Norman Cousins from Human Options

What have I allowed to die within me and what am I still allowing to die?  Can things be resurrected one we have allowed them to die?  

I am a strong believer that with God's guidance and help I can change.  I need to believe this, and can do so because it has happened in my life in the past.   Believing this, I do believe things that we have allowed to die with in us can be resurrected, but we can only work to resurrect things within ourselves.  We have no power to resurrect things that have died within others.  They must make those choices and changes for themselves.

NOTHING MUCH TO SAY....

Well if anyone thought I have anything to say these days they would be wrong....my brain is totally and utterly frozen.....either that or it's just plain worn out from dealing with daily shtuff.........this winter can not end too soon for me.  I also could use a bit more sun than just a random hour or two.....maybe later something will come to mind but I kind of doubt it.

NO WHERE TO GO BUT UP!

Okay, so it is only 1:10 pm on New Years Day and already 2011 has no where to go but up.

• Only managed 3 1/2 hours sleep last night and even it was restless
• First thing this morning Ott light, the main source of light in family room went off.  Thought it was bulb having burnt out....of course it wasn't the light itself died....$110 later I can see again
• Settled in to watch Capital One Bowl and my MSU Spartans play only to discover you have to have cable and get ESPN in order to see it; which of course I don't!!!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.......at least it isn't freezing cold out as well.  So common 2011 cut a gal some slack you are supposed to be better than 2010.........

Edited to add:  I guess it was a good thing that I couldn't watch the Capital One Bowl.....sounds like it was a pretty depressing game if you where a Spartan fan.  Still love Sparty though.  I will not be a fickle fan.....just a sad one.  :(   Even the Rose Bowl is no longer on braodcast TV......but the way that game was going I guess that is good as well....Big Ten Football may you RIP!

GOOD BYE 2010: HELLO 2011!

There is just under one hour left in 2010 here on the East Coast.  Am I sad to see it end?  No not really.  I am looking forward to a new year.  There is always promise with new beginnings and what better a new beginning than a new year and a new decade.  Boy, this last decade flew by.  That in and of itself is somewhat scary.  It seems as if we just celebrated the new millennium and I just turn 50! Suddenly the 21st century is 10% gone and I've turned 60.  Before I know it I may be 70 and the 21st century 20% gone and there is so much I still want to accomplish and see.
Everyone seems to be talking of bucket lists.  I've heard at least four references to them tonight alone.  What's on your bucket list?  What's on my bucket list?  Hmmmm.....not sure I operate with a bucket list.  Maybe I should.  I tend to take things as life throws them at me; which probably contributes to the roller coaster ride I often feel I'm on.  One day up; the net day suddenly down.  Do I know how to live any other way?  I'm not sure.  At least recognizing that I experience life as a roller coaster ride of ups and downs I know that no matter how low I get, tomorrow holds the possibility and often the promise of being a better day. 
So here's to 2011 and what ever it throws at us.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

RUN DOWN ON 2010

January---Start first year trying to learn how to be single
February--SNOW!  And new Daughter-in-Law
March--Start a new decade of life, turned 60 to little fanfare just another birthday.
April--FSQ Quilt show
May--Formal wedding of Nate and Lindsay, and get to met Lindsay's family we are now a truly international family
June--Buy new sewing machine after 23 years, Love it!
July--First solo road trip then joined by mom for AQS Quilt Show in Knoxville, TN.  Missed Germantown earthquake.
August--County fair and all its trappings
September--Wonderful trip to TX for another wedding celebration with sons and DIL. Broke collarbone in a fall, not an activity I would recommend.
October--mainly a month of recovery couldn't do much else.  Learned without a doubt what wonderful friends I have.
November--Attended final wedding of year.  Count was; attended 4 weddings and missed 4 weddings.  For many it was a wonderful year of love and new beginnings.
December--COLD!  A sense of  survival and also gratitude for the many blessings the year did bring.

This is just a short synopsis of 2010.  Mixed in with all the above were multiple Dr. visits relating to collarbone and my RA; work with my many wonderful fellow employees and employers; shoveling of too much snow; beginning to clean out the house of 27 years of accumulation; many challenges and many blessings; and all the daily activities that keep live moving forward.
I have unfortunately developed the bad habit of watching too much TV, but it brings noise and movement into the house and I have read more in the past year than I've read in the past 30 years or so other than children's books read when the kids were little.
Well that's it for 2010.  I have a few more days of work in it and then it will go into the annals of history.

THE STORM THAT WASN'T

Well this was the winter storm that wasn't, at least for those around Montgomery County, MD.  Other parts of the East Coast haven't and aren't faring so well.  Montgomery County, PA for example.  We ended up living to far west to gt any snow other than a few flurries.  South of us, North of us and easpecially to the East of us along the coast are getting blasted however!  What we do have though is wind!  Boy is it ever howling.....I just hope we keep our power as it is also once again very cold.  What a winter this has been already,  Good thing Global Warming has changed to Climate Change.  We could use a bit of warming around here at the moment.  There have been few days above freezing during the month and all nights have been down well into the 20's.  Brrrr....

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

A very Merry Christmas wish to all.  I hope your day was filled with love and family and friends.  Here the celebrations are over and now it is time to get back to the business of daily life.  Winter's daily life in a Mid-Atlantic state, often means will it or won't it???????  Only God knows at this point.
What am I referring to.......SNOW!  For almost a week now the weather gurus have been going back and forth as to a coastal storm.  Will we get hit or not.  As of now Winter Weather Warnings have been posted for our area, still they are not sure how much or where the storm will actually hit.  One thing you need to live around here is the winter is a good dose of "c'est la vie"  What will be will be. 
At least nothing is supposed to start till morning, but then this maorning it was supposed to start around 1pm today.  We did have flurries this morning, but not enough to count as anything.  Maybe it is a "God thing" that son decided to head back home to PA this evening rather then wait till tomorrow.  That may be an omen.  We'll see.  There is no where I must go or anything I must do the next few days so I day BRING IT ON!  Just please don't disrupt our power please.  It is already so cold.

CURRENT AND BLAST FROM THE PAST!

This week on Glee's Christmas show a song was sung that struck a chord with me. It was familiar, but I couldn't place it so of course I Googled it and discovered that it was written by Richard Carpenter and sung first by his sister Karen.  Ah, I remember the Carpenters. What a blast from the past.  I could probably dig through the record albums on the shelf and find at least one of theirs. Their music always could bring a smile to my face and  every once in a while a tear to my eye.  Their music spoke to my heart and I guess it still does.  So, Merry Christmas Darling.....and a Merry Christmas to all!

RANT!

Life could be so much better without technology!!!!  Don't you think so?  Ah yes it has been a bad week with computers, i-Pods, and various software nightmares........oh then there is digital TV, cameras....and cell phones!  I dread ever needing a new cell phone or TV....Well maybe life wouldn't be better, but it would certainly be less stressful and less complicated!

CHRISTMAS & LOVE

This morning a quote popped up on Facebook that stuck me as being an important thing to remember. So I share it here with you:

  

"A baby is born with a need to be loved . . . and never outgrows it. ~Frank A. Clark

 Love is a universal need.  It does not matter what your race, religion, gender, age or economic status.  We all want to be loved.  Christmas is about love.  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and  only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life."  John 3:16  The birth of a baby in Bethlehem, the ultimate love gift from God, is celebrated at Christmas.

During this Christmas season my prayer is that love is found by all and that each of us reaches out and shares our love with another.  Love should be the easiest Christmas present to give, but unfortunately sometimes it is the hardest. 

IMAGINE!

30 years ago the world became a little sadder place.

CHRISTMAS CELEBRATIONS

What a wonderful afternoon and evening.  I was invited by a friend to go down to the National Cathedral in Washington DC to hear a performance of Handel's Messiah.  The whole thing.  All 3 hours of it!!!  But it was worth sitting that long.  At least we got to stand during the Hallelujah Chorus.  Our seat were in the back balcony which put us a long way away from the musicians, but that was okay the sound was great and the view was fantastic!  This picture doesn't do the view justice, but you can see how far back we were.  The acoustics are not concert hall quality, but it was amazing hearing Handel's music in the Cathedral setting. 

It was dark by the time we left the concert and I love the way the Cathedral is lit at night.  It's really hard to get a picture without a tripod, but I did my best. We were lucky and stumbled upon a parking space right behind the Cathedral that was free.  It would have been warmer parking in the underground garage, but it comes with a price and you do still have to walk outside for a while.  It was much easier walking back to the car after the concert. It was down hill and we were walking with the wind rather than into it.  Boy I hope it is not this cold all winter. 

On our way home we stopped in Bethesda for a quick dinner.  By the time we got there the wind was really blowing and we were very happy we found a restaurant just outside the parking garage! 

Secret Shop, hearing the Messiah, and the cold......despite myself I am getting into the Christmas spirit!  Tomorrow night a holiday party at quilt guild meeting and then a special Christmas luncheon on Weds with girl friends.  Yes it is that season!

LOTS OF WORK & LOTS OF MEMORIES

What a week.....lots of prep and finalizing for the Secret Shop at church today.  Also what a lot of memories of past Secret Shops. 
You might be asking what is a Secret Shop????  It's a special Christmas shopping experience for children.  One where they can shop with the help of their own personal "shopping Elf" for their family and friends.  They do so in secret making their own choices so there are some Christmas surprises they give to those they love.  Of course I'm sure there are some loved ones that are a bit confused by the present they have been given when it was chosen by a 3 year old who really did not want "elfish " advise concerning their choice of a stuffed teddy bear for grandpa.

 Covenant UMC's Secret Shop was begun over 25 years ago. It is one of the few programs that has continued without interruption t the church from its inception.  The kids love it and the money raised goes to help programs related to children both locally and around the world.  Most items available to be purchased have been handmade but crafting elves who work throughout the year.  There's always a panic come the first of November that there will not be enough to satisfy demand, but there always is. 

This year we had just under 100 children shop.  These are children between 3 and 11 and they are all shopping and having their packages wrapped during a 3 hour time period.  Yes it is a bit crazy at times!  While the children shop mom and dad or who ever brought them get to hang out in a "parent's waiting room" and munch on goodies washed down with coffee, tea, orange juice or cider.  This year we had the extra excitement of the new Covenant Cooks II cookbook with literally hot off the presses having arrived the previous day!  Yummy recipes from some great cooks!  Methodists are renowned for their potluck dinners and love of eating!!!!!!!

Yes it was a very busy and very tiring day, but is was also filled with wonderful memories of the preceding 28 or so Secret Shops including those my children took part in.  I shared one memory with Stephanie tonight.  Santa used to visit the Secret Shop and one year after sitting on Santa's lap for a picture Stephanie pulled me aside and very firmly announced that "that was not really Santa, but Mr. Koch"  I don't remember exactly how old she was, but I don;t think it was more that 4 or 5.  As she said tonight she was already incredibly smart and observant at a very early age.....yep that's my GIRL! 

I'm not sure where all the years have gone to, but they have flown by.  Life is not what I expected it to be at this point, but I am so happy that I still have my memories of  wonderful Christmases past.  I hope in time to begin once again making wonderful memories that I will fondly look back on with a smile on my face. 

28 DAYS!

Yep that's right only 28 days till Christmas!  I wasn't going to put up a tree or decorate this year for a variety of what I first thought were valid reasons, but sanity kicked in while spending time with the kids on Thanksgiving.  As you can see I do have a tree.  It's only a small one but it is a size I can handle on my own.  I do like it.  This is the first time ever that the tree is in the living room and can be seen from the street.  For the next month the living room will be my sanctuary from the business of the season.  I hope it will be a place that will keep me in touch with the true reason we celebrate Christmas.  It is the time of year we remember that God came down and lived among us on earth beginning with the birth of a baby in Bethlehem. 

ANOTHER THANKSGIVING DAY IS OVER

Thanksgiving 2010 is pretty much history.  I should be in bed asleep resting up for a day at work tomorrow, but I wanted to take a few moments to reflect on the day.
Thanksgiving is a day when not only most Americans over eat, but more importantly we reflect back on the blessings of the past year and give thanks for them.  I did have a wonderful day with Jeremy, Nate, and Lindsay.  I got to talk with Stephanie and my mom, sister and her family.  For these things I am grateful.  I would have talked with my brother and his wife, but they are off on a weekend in northern MI.  Other friends I greeted via the Internet.
Even with everything going on during the day I did take time both this morning and again after our Thanksgiving dinner to look back over the year past year seeking things to give thanks for.  I'm not going to try and pretend it hasn't been a difficult year in many ways, but I did find much to be thankful for.  Of course I am very thankful for my children and the rest of my family.  Also for my many friends who have shown their love and support in many ways.  I am thankful for each of my jobs and the people I work with at each of them. I can honestly say there is not a one of my fellow employees or bosses that I do not enjoy being with.  I am extremely thankful that when I fell and broke my collarbone and needed stitches over my eye that that is the only damage I did to myself.  It could have been so much worse. 
The thing that I am most thankful for this year is a growing relationship with God.  Through a variety of means including daily devotional readings, bible study and prayer I am learning more about his unconditional love for me.  A love so deep and passionate that I have a hard time comprehending its fullness.  I am learning to lean on him and trust him and his direction.   The hardest part is I am having to learn to be patient to accept his timing in my life and believe that he does have a plan for where my life is headed. 
Thanksgiving for all of life's blessings is something that should take place each and every day.  Not just on the fourth Thursday of November.  I pray that I can remember this. I want to spend time each day looking for the blessing contained there in.  For no matter how bad a day might look on the surface there are always many things to be grateful for.  I want an attitude of gratitude!

IT'S OFFICIAL!

Ah, after all these years of frustration and confusion it is now official I am normal!!!
You are probably wondering what on earth is she yamering about now? 
This morning I woke up to a story on NPR's Morning Edition program talking about people going in circles.  OK, so they were talking about when people are blindfolded they may think they are walking in a straight line but after about 20 or so steps they actually begin to naturally walk in circles.   But....I choose to take comfort in the fact that it is natural for people to go in circles what ever the reason or the means by which they do so. 

WHERE DO YOU FALL?

Balance in life, where do you fall along the continuum of activity?  At one end there is little activity or involvement in life.  At the other there is so much activity there is no time to breathe.  Being on either extreme is not good for us.  We need balance.  Chances are if you are like me you move somewhere along the continuum on a daily basis.  Hopefully unlike me you have learned how to avoid the two extremes.  I am trying to work on avoiding the extremes. 
For the most part I think I stay away from the inactive end of the spectrum  at this point of my life. This is not necessarily good thing however because it does not mean that I am spending more time in the middle.  In actuality most my friends would tell you I spend way to much time out of the fringe of over commitment. I can give all sorts of justifications for this, but in truth none of them are anything but excuses. 
My morning devotions included a quote from Patsy Clairmont, one of my favorite Women of Faith.

"Doing too much is as dangerous as doing nothing at all.  Both modes present us from savoring our moments.  One causes me to rush right past the best of life without recognizing or basking in it, and the other finds me sitting quietly as life rushes past me."

So where do you fall activity of life continuum?  To the right?  To the left?  Or maybe you are blessed and have already learned the joys and benefits of a life spent roaming around in the middle.  I pray as I move toward 2011 I will do a better job of learning to live and experience life in the middle. 

ANOTHER QUOTE TO THINK ON

It's been a while that I have run across a quote that I  have wanted to record here  so I can refer back to it over time and also to share with those who happen to stop by.  I found one today in my reading.  It is by Corrie ten Boom.  Corrie was an amazing person from an amazing family.  If you would like to learn more about her you can click on her name above.

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God. 

~~Corrie ten Boom

Good advice to never forget.

TODAY IS INDEED BETTER!

Sorry about last night, but sometimes pressure just needs to be released. 
Yes today is a brighter day.  The sun is out and well it is warming up...slowly.
Today is one of those disjointed days however.  It is a day that I know will be steeped in celebration of life.  Celebration that on one coast will be full of joy and new beginnings.  A celebration of a new marriage and love that brings with it promises and dreams for a future as a new family unit. Also a celebration on the other side of North America, I say that because it is in Western Canada, that will be full of tears and good byes as a friend buries a loved husband and her children mourn the passing of their father and a family unit is changed forever. This I am sure will also be celebration of the love they all shared. It will be a celebration of the faithful and full, though too short life, of husband and father.  Yes there will be tears but from what I know of this family, though we have never personally met, there will be joy and laughter as they recall memories of that life.
So today is a day of celebration. It is a day to celebrate love and also to embrace loss knowing that God is with us through both.  Both Bryan and Kristen; and Edith and her family will be in my prayers today. 

NO POSTING!

Nope I will not post anything tonight as I started the evening after work feeling rather alone.  Made the mistake of openning a bottle of brandy and watching too much TV, movies and reading too many magazines; and seeing happy couples everywhere.  Not a good combination especially when facing another wedding and watching another couple vowing to love and care for each other till death do them part tomorrow.  See I told you I should not be posting tonight!

On top of it all it's COLD!

Addendum:  Sorry about the above, but sometime I just plain get tired of pretending everything is ok and I am happy!  Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day or at least next week will be.

YEP, IT MIGHT AS WELL BE WINTER

Sigh.....5:30pm and it was pitch dark!  I so am not interested in it being winter.  I think it would be much better if humans could go into hibernation like bears do during the winter.  Think of all the money and resources we would save. 

WINTER IS COMING

The sun has been out which helps warm the air but there are definite signs that winter is coming.  Despite the sun temps have been in the low 50's and at night we are well into the 30's.  We have had frosts and even freezes!  Snow flurries were in the forecast for tonight but I think blessedly they have been removed.  I am so not ready for another winter, but I guess whether or not I want it, it will come.
I haven't been eating particularly well the last month or so. Eating alone is one thing I hate to do.  When I got home for the Arts and Craft Festival which was held at our church today I decided in honor of the cool weather and in trying to entice myself to eat I would make a pot of chili.  It sure smells good, but of course now I have a pot of chili that I used to make for five that now will be eaten over and over since it will only be for one.  Good thing I like it!  Same with the corn bread.  I had hoped by now I would figure out how to cook for one, but it doesn't seem to be happening.  Eating has never been very important to me.  It seems to me it is more important as a social event than one to feed the body.  It's hard to be sociable when alone.  Some can do it I guess, but not me. 
Other than eating it was a good day.  I got to spend it with people in a sociable setting. I also got to make some money and it is incredibly affirming to have people comment on the things I make.  It's nice if they purchase something, but I think it may even be better when they simply affirm what I make as being something they enjoy looking at and its being of value.  I thank God for the talent and skill he has given me and that I have some opportunities to share it with others. 

INTERESTING WORDS

Tomorrow is election day. Around the country we have been inundated  with a war of words.  In light of this I found the opening sentences of today's bible study very interesting.  Once again these are from Let God Love You, by Lloyd Ogilvie.

"There is a new distrust of words, speech making, and theorizing which pervades our time.  Our despair today is expressed in the demise of innocent trust in what people say.  A man's word is no longer sacred. Cynicism, criticism, and complaining pollute the atmosphere. Our nation longs to hope again and yet the diminutive gods in which we have placed our hope in cultures, institutions, and government have fallen from the throne of inerrancy."

What I find interesting in this statement is that it sounds so current.  Yet it was written in 1974!  How sad, over 30 years and the trust in and value of words spoken is no better.  It may be even worse.  Today words are cheap.  At best, at least in the political realm, the only power they seem to have is to tear down and destroy.  

 

Promises made, for the most part, are only made for momentary gain.  In today's climate of  doing what is best for oneself, promises even when made with the best of intentions can easily be just walked away from.  Promises are only words and words have no lasting meaning.  

I am concerned about tomorrows electoral outcome. Not so much as to whether the Democrats, Republicans, or Tea Party candidates win.  What I am worried about is that despite who wins, the war with worthless words and promises will go on and that we as a nation will become so bogged down in worthless rhetoric and name calling that people will continue to lose their jobs, homes, health care, and hope. 

That all said....please do go out and VOTE tomorrow.  It may seem a pointless and futile effort, but we can't give up.  Just remember to vote not on the basis of the words spoken by the candidate, but really think about what direction you would like to see our country move in.  I pray we will move forward and not back.  I pray that somewhere out there is some sanity and some people who still believes that a man's word and promises are sacred, not just vehicles for momentary self gain and profit.

JUST SOME THINGS TO MULL OVER.....AND THINK ON

It certainly seems lately like lots of things to think about are coming up in my devotional readings.  I suspect this is a good thing.  Part of what I do every morning is read a chapter from Lloyd Ogilvie's book Let God Love You.  It is a study of Phillipians.  I think I may actually have mentioned this book in an earlier post.

This mornings reading had several passages that I would like both to offer up for thought to anyone who might actually read them. (Also to record here so I can find them again to think on them myself if I should happen to forget them.) 

• "We can lose any faculty we refuse to use.  The sin against the Holy Spirit is the sin of so often and so consistently refusing God's will that in the end it can not be recognized when it comes even fully displayed."
• "Think of the ways we frustrate God's plan for us.  Consider what the arrogance of trying to live on our own resources does to us and to the people around us. What about our feverish efforts to stuff our lives with so much activity that there is no time left to ask God what he wants us to do?"
• "Obedience to our Lord is the continuous new beginnings of unpredictable new possibilities."

So what do you think?

THINKING.......

If you can forgive the person you were,

accept the person you are, and

believe in the person you will become,

you are headed for joy.  So celebrate your life. 

 

I've been thinking a lot about this quote from my last post. 

The part I get hung up on is "believe in the person you will become"..My fear is that I don't know how to become who I am meant to be.  I have spent so much of my life trying to become the person everyone else thought I should be or want me to be.I wonder if I ever knew who I wanted to be. I've been a daughter, a wife, a mother. I've been a student, a teacher, an accountant and a homemaker.  I don't regret any of those roles in my life, but for the most part the active participation in each of those roles is over.  So who am I going to become from this time forward?  Who will I be in the future?   In my devotional readings and bible studies.  I keep reading that ultimately I should strive to become the person God has created me to be.  Do I have the courage and strength to seek out who that woman is?  Who am I and who will I become?  One thing I need to believe and trust is that God made me and he loves me unconditionally for who I am.  So whoever I am and who ever I become in the future if I trust God and put myself in his hands it has to be good and it has to lead to joy.

BARBARA JOHNSON WISDOM

There were several years that I attended the Women of Faith conference in Philadelphia.  It was a wonderful weekend of praise, worship and inspiration.  It was also was a wonderful weekend with girl friends.  I was never fortunate enough to hear Babara Johnson speak.  She was one of the original group of women who started these conference.  By the time I heard of the gatherings she had already had to drop out of active participation due to health issues.  I have however read several of her books. She is a very humorous writer.  Her life has not been an easy one.  There were many disappointments and tragedies in it, but she never gave up her humor or her her faith in a God who loved her beyond measure.  Probably more important than the humor in her writing is her inspiration.

My devotional reading this morning contained a quote from her.  One that I am placing here so I can come back and find it  when I need a reminder.

If you can forgive the person you were,

accept the person you are, and

believe in the person you will become,

you are headed for joy.  So celebrate your life.

I pray with God's love, help and guidance I am headed for joy!

I'M FREE!!!!!!

I am free.  Finally out of the harness that was keeping me from doing things for myself and was rubbing my underarms raw.  Actually I've been out of it since yesterday.  It truly is a wonderfully freeing thing.  I can now change my clothes and shower at will.  Never will I take those activities for granted again!  Of course as with everything there is a downside.  Not having the support of the harness, things are a bit more painful, but nothing I can't handle.  Hey what's another pain in my life?  I'm just adding them to the list.  I thank God for Aleve during the day and Vicodin at night. 

I even went back to work at McPadnett for 3 hours today and will be at the quilt shop for 4 hours tomorrow.  It's nice to be earning a bit more money once again and it is nice to be back among those work associates.  I went back to doing things at church last week and that was equally nice.  So though healing still has a long way to go I am officially declaring this event of my life closed.  Though I'm not back to full speed and won't be for a while yet there really isn't anything I can't do as long as I am careful.  Well, I would enjoy a nice glass of red wine, but that will have to wait till I get off the Vicodin.  I will use that as incentive. 

So what will the next challenge be?  What ever it is I hope it doesn't come around for a few weeks anyway.  I would like life to settle back to at least a dull roar for a short while anyway.

LONG 2 WEEKS

Its been a long two weeks since I've been here. There has been some progress on the collarbone front, but being the impatient person I am not as much as I would like.  I though there was more but pain took over after too many days of stubbornly thinking I could do more things than I probably should have and I am back in my lazy boy chair keeping things supported and still.  Yes boredom has set in and I am ready to get back to my normal busy hectic life.  Alas that will not happen yet.  So I wait.

I awoke this morning not in a happy contented mood.  It is Friday morning.  I should be at Panara's with my beloved "Bagel Group" of friends gabbing about events of the past week and of course eating bagels and drinking too much coffee. Unfortunately due to weather event of yesterday, way too much rain, my much needed shower and clothes change was put off till later this morning.  I am not fit for public appearances at the moment.  Totally my vanity I realize, but after wearing and sleeping in the same cloths for 5 days...well you get the picture.  Then there was the little matter of waking up and realizing that 4 of my girlfriends would be gathering together for a fun filled weekend in Myrtle Beach and I wouldn't be with them....yes I was having a pity party this morning.  Not a good way to start a day I know.  It was my decision not to go because the length of the drive and risk on yet again over doing, but that doesn't make it a whole lot easier to know that there will be lots of fun and laughter that I will be missing out on.  It was a trip that had been anticipated for months.

Now there was good going on this morning as well.  It was raining so hard last night that I chose not to take the garbage out for pick up. I couldn't put a raincoat on by myself and didn't really feel like sleeping in wet clothes that I couldn't change. It stopped raining some time during the night and I did wake up early enough that I was able to get the garbage out this morning.  So that was a good thing.

Then there were my devotional readings for the morning.  Yes, God can be good with his messages for us and sometimes he even can hit us over the head with the proverbial 2 by 4.  The thought for today in one of my readings is:

Attitude is contagious. Is yours worth catching?

Oops....time for an attitude readjustment.  Then I remembered a thought from the DVD I had been previewing yesterday in preparation for a study I will begin leading Monday morning:

Things could be worse!

So today I will get my thoughts back to an attitude of gratitude and if nothing else be grateful for my lazy boy chair, that I seem to be able to crochet without pain, and a boat lead of ladder yarn that I can crochet into beautiful necklaces. Oh and thanks to a wonderful friend I will get a shower, hair washed and clothes changes so this afternoon I can once again go out in pubic.  Life is good and God is even better!