Today is my first day back in MD after a wonderful 2 1/2 week trip. During that time I experienced for the first time in many many years, 5 days of being in a situation where no one knew me. I was a total stranger to all. I tried to be who I was minus any masks. Alas I discovered even I didn't know who I really was any longer. Thoughts would come to mind as I watched the sunset or listened to music that I tried to understand if they were mine or that of a hidden person or event from my subconscious telling me "this is how you are supposed to think to be accepted and to be a "good person". I think it will take considerably longer than 5 days to uncover who I am under the various masks I wear.
In thinking about all this I uncovered a quote from e.e. cummings that says a lot:
"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
The book I found this quote in says he was 63 when he wrote it. So if he was discovering this at that age I guess it is not too late for me to discover it. Today I begin and exploration using various means into rediscovery of ME. It may sound selfish, but how can I know where to head in the rest of my life if I don't know who I am. Probably should have done this years ago, however I was too busy putting on the masks of life to figure it all out. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I found out I wore no masks at all but really was true to myself and how God made me, but you know I doubt that will be the case.
One encouraging thought is that wearing masks and trying to please people did not work. It did not place me in the life position where I wanted to be at this point.