Monday, April 27, 2009


What does my future look like? Now I know that no one really knows what there future holds. I know there are no guarantees in life. As a christian I understand that God has not promised me a life that is problem free; only that he will be with me through all problems I may face. BUT.....I still can't help but be focused right now on what my future might look like, and hope and pray that it is better then my present.

I don't really recognize myself right now. I am totally frustrated with myself and what I can and can not do. Fingers don't bend, toes don't bend and knees are virtually worthless.......pain is my constant companion no matter how hard I try to ignore it.

Life was great while on the Prednisone blast pack. I felt like me, but that is now gone and once again I am this swollen mess! I need to figure out how to have a major attitude adjustment. If this is my new "normal" life I need to accept it and figure out how to live with in it's limitations. But how????? I feel so old at only 59! Oh to think that a month ago I was making fun of my being's not so funny now.

I think my biggest fear is that I have always been so what concerned that by putting off some things I've really wanted to do that I would never get to enjoy doing them because of life circumstances....and this seems to becoming a fulfilled prophesy. IF I do have to give up those things I know it won't be easy...and what will take their place? I certainly can't give up living at 59. There must be some purpose in my life to move me forward into the future.

Of course in the midst of all these thoughts there is guilt lurking as I know there are so many people that have so many more problems than me and are much worse off. I still have many blessings in my life. I need to remember these blessings and each day focus on them, not the pain.

So with that in mind....I hope my next post here will be more blessing and thanksgiving based. There is so much good I need to reflect on.

Saturday, April 25, 2009


Today I took my first dose of poison. As I talk to people I am totally amazed how much of our medicine today is actually poison....At least I am not taking a rat poison like some of my friends are.........hopefully, at least this will get me my life back....or so the Dr says it will....though I am still confused as to how a med with side effects of nausea, headaches, dizziness, and lethargy and fatigue will get me my life back??????? I pray I am one of the people that side effects don't exist for.

Methotrexate=nasty stuff!!!!!!

Well on a happier note it will be off to the quilt show for day two in another hour.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Arthritis Foundation

A good place to go for good information.....I will be searching this site frequently in the net few weeks........Arthritis Foundation......I used it a lot 20 years ago, but then forgot about it.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


So I 've been thinking....that I will be taking a poison as medicine what will I do? Hopefully I will begin to feel better. There are no guarantees in life and that includes experiencing the bad and serious side effects from the methotrextate. So I am going to do my best to anticipate the best and ignore the worst. It this is the "gold standard" for RA treatment today then it's benefits MUST outweigh it's side effects. I will deal with the meds as issues present.

This is a disease for which there is no cure. At best I can hope for another remission. So I learn to live with it. To embrace it as part of my new "normal". With proper care I will avoid serious side issues such as heart disease and osteoporosis. Those are the things especial heart disease that could eventually kill me. So what do I do.........? Well one thing is I MUST figure out how and get the will to exercise. Cardio for the heart and strength for the bones. I also need to listen better to my body and give it the rest it needs when it needs it. I'm already working on eating better. And once I start the methotrextrate I need to be real careful about infections. I guess what it does is really kills off my immune system.

On a bright note if nausea is a side effect I experience maybe that will help me with my losing weight. I still have about 10 pounds I would like to get rid of. Then maybe my treat to myself can be a new wardrobe; updated to the 21st century.......

This may sound like not a big deal to some but one of the things that will be a challenge to me will be changing my drinking more alcohol while on these drugs....too much liver risk. Also Dr wants me to get down to one caffeinated beverage a day!!!! Yikes! I can give up my regular coffee, but my tea will be difficult. Also though I am not a big soda drinker when I do I most enjoy pepsi or coke.....what will I drink????? Water is so tasteless and boring......sigh....yes there are changes coming.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


It has been a along time.......I am back here looking at "Life Out My Window". I am looking and reflecting....there are some major life changes that will be going on in my life and hopefully by looking out my window I can make some sense of them.

Shortly after my third child was born, 23 years ago, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. It was pretty bad at the time and I was on large doses of Ibuprofen and Plaquinel. It was a rough time for me, a relatively young mother of three dealing with the thought of having a non curable disease that could result in disfigurement and chronic pain. Eventually I got use to the idea and miraculously over time my RA went into remission and I didn't really have any pain; just a few knuckles that were a bit larger than they probably should have been.

Over time I pretty much forgot about the fact that I had this disease (remember it is not curable) and I went on living life as normal people do. I was even able to stop all medications....for about 20 years I was symptom free. Well no has come back with a vengeance and I now am faced with needing to make a few major life adjustments. I have no doubt that I will be able to make the necessary adjustments....I just need to figure out what they all are and how to work and live with them. The first is accepting that the medication I have been given to deal with this is a poison....the concept of using a poison to be a help is not an easy one I am finding....that is what I am dealing with today!