Monday, April 27, 2009

FUTURE?????

What does my future look like? Now I know that no one really knows what there future holds. I know there are no guarantees in life. As a christian I understand that God has not promised me a life that is problem free; only that he will be with me through all problems I may face. BUT.....I still can't help but be focused right now on what my future might look like, and hope and pray that it is better then my present.

I don't really recognize myself right now. I am totally frustrated with myself and what I can and can not do. Fingers don't bend, toes don't bend and knees are virtually worthless.......pain is my constant companion no matter how hard I try to ignore it.

Life was great while on the Prednisone blast pack. I felt like me, but that is now gone and once again I am this swollen mess! I need to figure out how to have a major attitude adjustment. If this is my new "normal" life I need to accept it and figure out how to live with in it's limitations. But how????? I feel so old at only 59! Oh to think that a month ago I was making fun of my being old........it's not so funny now.

I think my biggest fear is that I have always been so what concerned that by putting off some things I've really wanted to do that I would never get to enjoy doing them because of life circumstances....and this seems to becoming a fulfilled prophesy. IF I do have to give up those things I know it won't be easy...and what will take their place? I certainly can't give up living at 59. There must be some purpose in my life to move me forward into the future.

Of course in the midst of all these thoughts there is guilt lurking as I know there are so many people that have so many more problems than me and are much worse off. I still have many blessings in my life. I need to remember these blessings and each day focus on them, not the pain.

So with that in mind....I hope my next post here will be more blessing and thanksgiving based. There is so much good I need to reflect on.

1 comment:

edith said...

Suzanne, my heart goes out to you as you face this uncertainty. I'm sorry that RA has come back with a vengeance. God has a reason (you know that) and yet it's still plain hard.. and for that I'm deeply sorry. I will be praying for you.