Saturday, April 30, 2011


A yes it seems today is a day for love and for dreams come true. From early morning to late at night, today all the news revolves around young love and the possibility that any young girl could one day meet her prince charming and become a princess.  I've been somewhat amazed at the amount of time that has been spent in looking and re-looking at the wedding of Prince William and Katherine.  They say over 1 MILLION people in the streets of London all trying to be part of this wondrous wedding and estimates of up to 2 BILLION people watching the wedding live on TV.  What is the drawing factor of this event?  Why is it that I really couldn't get into being a part of the event in real time?  I don't know.  Am I jealous or jaded about love?  Do I want to ignore others love since I seemed to be a failure at it myself?  Have I given up on the belief that dreams can become reality. Or is it simply that I am just to busy living my life, such as it is, to want to spend early morning hours celebrating this wedding.  I  have no idea what makes me unaffected by this wedding when it seems the whole world is enthralled and enchanted by it.  I wish I could feel thrilled and excited by it, but I just don't. Does this make me a bad or sad person?

Monday, April 18, 2011


A blog that I follow and receive e-mails from had some things for thought about following your dreams.
The writer of the blog asked the question "If you knew that tomorrow you could not fail, what would you put on your drawing board today?"  Then she went on to ask "What's holding you back?  Fear? Time? Money?"

Interesting questions to ask yourself.  I think that I will spend some time today while on the train trip from NC back to MD mulling these questions.  I'm not totally sure what I would put on the drawing board today if I knew I would not fail, but I don't even have to think about what would hold me back.  Probably all of the above; fear, time and money.  I definitely have a strong fear of failure.  Time is definitely a factor when combined to energy levels.  Then there is the money issue.  There is truth that we find both time and money for what is really important to us.  I have seen that in my life if I am honest about it.  So I guess it comes down to the fear factor.  What did Mary have to say about fear?  "If your fear of a negative outcome is keeping you from even trying, you will never succeed."

So I  have lots to think about today.  Is my fear of failure to keep me in the future from even attempting to make my dreams come true.  Can I step out in faith and go into a new tomorrow confident in my dreams?

Oh, the Blog I follow and got these thoughts from is Laying Some Tracks
Mary Hunt always has great tips for living life to the fullest yet within your means.  Check you her web site Debt Proof Living.

Saturday, April 02, 2011


I just finished a book by this title written by Dean Koontz.  In the book a character asks the question "What will you find behind the door that is one door away from Heaven?"   Every person that was asked this question had an answer, but only one got it right the first time asked.  I'm not sure there is one right answer to this question.  It may be that different people would find different things.  I'm not sure what my answer would be, but I love the answer given by Leilani: "If your heart is closed, then you will find behind that door nothing to light your way. But if your heart is open, you will find behind that door people, who like you, are searching, and you will find the right door together with them.  None of us can ever save himself; we are the instruments of one another's salvation, and only by the hope we give to others do we lift ourselves out of the darkness into the light."

We need people to walk this journey called life with us.  To walk the journey alone is to live in darkness.  We need to live our life in a manner that gives others hope.  Without hope life becomes, I think, meaningless and very dark indeed.  

Friday, April 01, 2011


I just had a birthday.  Not a biggy, that was last year, but none the less I received many cards from friends.  A number of them besides wishing me a "Happy Birthday" also commented on my strength in the past year that has been an inspiration to them.  I'm happy that I can provide inspiration to some, but please don't make me into something I am not.  No pedestals please, the fall from them can be very painful.  To those on the outside I may seem strong.  I may come across as in control.  I may seem happy and excited about my future, but don't be fooled.  I am no different than anyone else.  I am human.  I am scared. I am alone.  I don't know which way to turn next and I have no idea how I will face the future other than putting one foot in front of the other and taking each moment as it comes.  One moment at a time.
This morning I awoke to a phone call letting me know of the death of the husband of a friend.  The wind was knocked out of me like I'm sure it was out of many who were hearing the same news.  I couldn't think....I couldn't speak.  At best I could cry inside my head "God not again! No more I can't handle any more pain, loss and suffering for myself or anyone else.  Where are you?  Have you turned your back on this world?"  My pain was minimal compared to that of Cindy and her children, but it was pain none the less.  I'm sick of death.  I'm sick of loss.  I think it would be fair at this moment to say I'm sick of life.  2011 sucks!  There is no way around it.  At least not for me today, April 1.  I can only wish this is all only a sick April Fools joke.  Unfortunately it is not.....It is life. 
I can only hope that tomorrow will be a better day.  I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.  I will hope that the future will be brighter than the present.  I will try and believe once again in love. And yes I will continue, I guess, to put on a brave front.  I guess that's what I do. I guess that's what lots of us do.  It's whats expected of us.  Please though, don't put me on any pedestals. I don't want to one day fall off.  I am only human and the fall would be more painful than I could bear. Just keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.  Maybe God will listen and the rest of 2011 will be a little less painful, confusing and lonely.  Maybe just maybe he will help show us all how to make some sense out of what has happened in the world so far.  Just maybe........