RELEVANT AND NEEDED MORNING DEVOTION

My morning devotion was titled During the Darkest Days.  For me, today, that was an apt title and a needed devotion.  The openning line read, "The sadness that accompanies any significant loss is an inevitable part of life. In time the sadness runs its course and gradually abates."  Isn't it funny how often a message will come just on the day it is expressly needed.  I needed to read this today.  I need the assurance that sadness will run its course and lessen over time.  I also needed to read and hear the accompanying bible verse: "I have heard your prayers; I have seen your tears. Look I will heal you." 2 Kings 20:5.

Why was this important to me today?  Because tonight I faced up to what my future holds.  Even more important to my future is the quotation for the day given in the devotion.  "Concern should drive us into action an not into depression"~~Karen Horney.  I need to move not sit still.  I need to move into action an action that will place me in a good place for my future. The future that God has planned for me.

A MESSAGE????

Today is my first full day off work since Memorial Day.  Yes it is a welcome day even if all I am doing is hanging around home alone......My plans included a full day of cleaning and then if I Still had energy an evening of sewing or stamping.  Am I getting a message though that cleaning is not the best way to spend a rare day off????  After starting the morning with laundry and discovering a load of clothes that the drier did not completely dry over a week ago and now smelly (I know if I had taken the clothes out when I should have I would have discovered the dryer's reduced drying capacity, but hey sometimes life just gets in the way of what we should be doing), I ate a small breakfast and began to vacuum......well that didn't go so well either....I managed half the living room floor when suddenly I was no longer holding on to the vacuum but only a small piece of it.  Why oh why do they make things like this out of plastic??????? 

I did manage to finish the downstairs floors, but hand hurts from continually rubbing up against jagged edges and holding a short and fat grip area and back hurts from having to bend over because of shortened hand grip area.......I give up on trying to do the upstairs.  I am taking this as a message that I am to spend my day doing something more fun than house cleaning....I can't afford anything else to break down in my life....though thinking back over what has broken since November I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the trend continues.........

TEMPTED TO GIVE UP

I think the reminder to and challenge of coming up with dreams for my future did not work as well as I had hoped.  When you are out of practice, allowing yourself the freedom to dream is not as easy as it sounds or as it should be. By last night I was pretty discouraged.  Every dream I had considered was met with thoughts of why it was impossible or impractical.  I  came very close to rejecting the notion that there is a place for dreams in my life at the moment.

I find this to be a very scary and depressing place and though I do not want to be here this is where I am.  I can't ignore where I'm currently at in my life, but I sure would like to  .I'd like to curl up into a little ball in the corner and just tell life to go away.  It's too hard.  I'm too tired of fighting it.  I'm tired of dealing with problems alone and being alone.  This is not how I thought I would be living at this point in my life. 

Thank God as the title of this post states I was only Tempted To Give Up.  God is good.  He is not allowing me to give up on myself, as much as I want to.  He provided me with an Aunt, that though I was not close to after I married and left home, who always when I was in a trying time sent a note letting me know I was a very strong person.  She reminded me that she felt I was the strong one in the family and with that strength I could overcome anything that life would throw at me. I have never been able to forget that faith she had in me.  I remember her now. 

Also God keeps placing devotions and bible passages in front of me that remind me to not  give up.  In the book of Joshua today I read that God reminded Joshua to not give up; to not allow himself to get sidetracked from all God had promised him.  God told him in chapter 1; ""Haven't I commanded you?  Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged.  God, your God, is with you every step you take."  The Upper Room Devotion for the day was written by a woman who found herself alone.  The verses in the devotion were Psalm 91:1-2 "You who live in the shelter of the Most High, who abide in the shadow of the Almighty, will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust." and Matthew 28:20 "Jesus said, 'Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.'"  Then I opened a book and read "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him." Romans 15:13.

Yes, God is good.  Even when I so strongly want to give up.  He is there reminding me that I am not as alone as I feel.  He won't give up on me and he won't allow me to give up on myself.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I don't yet know what I dare to dream for my future.  What I do know is that with God by my side I can take each day as it comes.  I can ride the highs and I can wade through the lows.  Someday even, I may find the courage to dream again without the what ifs haunting me.  God IS good and he knows what my future holds and he will be there to walk me to it and through it.  What he offers me now is sufficient to get through this day and experience the fullness of it.  Thank you Lord!

THIS IS WHY I BLOG!

Friends have often asked my why I BLOG.  I do so because it is the easiest way I can keep track of some of my thoughts and musings and I can easily go back and see what I was thinking in the past.  I don't do as good of a job of labeling my entries as I should. Labels categorize the entries and make them easily searchable if I or anyone else for that matter might what to fid something. I need to go back and label things I have missed.

This morning my bible reading was from Deuteronomy and a verse that popped out was Deuteronomy 30:19b -20a."...I [God] have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life....loving the Lord your God, obeying him and holding him fast; for that means life to you...."  The phrase "choose life" brought to mind a quote I had read concerning living and making a living and I know I wrote it here.  So I searched my label of "quotes" to find it.  Unfortunately it seems to be an entry I was not so good at labeling, but I did find an entry from 2008 that drew me up short.  It dealt with the importance of dreaming and having dreams for our future.  It was titled Dreams and Life. I've created a link to it here so I can find it faster when needed.  I need to revisit this entry often.  Seems I have not made much progress on having dreams in the last two years.  I have been tempted to think at 60 it is too late for dreams.  In my head I know this is not true.  In my heart I am still afraid it is true.

At the end of the 2008 post I asked "What are your dreams?"  I need to ask my self that question and I need to come up with an answer.  I need to write that answer down and then I need to trust that dreams can come true even at 60 and beyond!

I will go back and find the original quote on life and living verses making a living.  It is another one I need to refer to often.  Right now I think I have become trapped in worrying about making a living verse actually living.  Maybe it is my season of life for right now.  But focusing too much on making a living verse living is no way to live.....that is like a dog chasing it's tail.  The likelihood of ever catching it is small and so the activity eventually becomes futile!  I need to choose life and life includes dreams......

So what ARE your dreams????????

THINGS MAYA ANGELOU HAS LEARNED AND SO SHOULD I

A good friend recently sent me one of those annoying e-mail forwards.  However, this one had some very good quotes from Maya Angelou.  I think they merit posting here to share with others and for me to remember. They all relate to things she has learned during her life.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go one, and it will be better tomorrow."

"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't need to be one."

"I've learned I still have a lot to learn."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

All good things to remember on this journey we call life.........

ON A LIGHTER NOTE

Well maybe not a lighter note calorie wise, but at least topic wise.  It's summer and that means its time for fruit pies...Cakes are fine and cupcakes maybe the rage, but in my mind there is nothing  better than a fresh fruit pie.  This time it was a tart cherry pie.  This is my favorite so I would have had no problem eating it all on my own.  Not in one sitting of course.  However it was made for a luncheon meeting.  It was nice to hear people saying how yummy it was and lucky for me it wasn't a big meeting and there were other yummy chocolaty desserts to sample so there was some left to bring home.  So though I didn't have to eat it all myself I do get a quarter of it just for me!

COURAGE AGAIN....AND OTHER LIFE QUESTIONS????.

Is true courage being able to admit to what you are really feeling and thinking rather than being the strong and nice person and being politically correct? This is a real question. I don't know the answer and if this is courage I don't know what the results of being courageous and true to your self means if by doing so you hurt others?
As a Christian what is my responsibility to others if it is against what I want? What is courage and how does it relate to myself and to my responsibility to others? AND who ever said life was easy??????? I always thought mine was, but now I see that was all an illusion.......Suddenly life has more questions than answers....and I am getting real tired of searching for the answers. I always thought the older you got the easier things would get....that too was an illusion.
Life is not easy....Not even God said it would be easy...he only said he would be by our side as we went through the trials, but he is spirit, I am flesh, and I would like some flesh by my side when I have weeks like this. Spirit might be good but it is not the same as a set of arms that say I understand that you are in pain......Spirit can't talk to me in the evening when the house is silent and I need to talk and hear a response. How does God comfort? Someone please tell me. Surely I am not the only one who has had these questions?

STICK IT OUT!

I fell a little behind in my reading over the weekend. This morning I've had some time to catch up. Once again a group of passages has caught my attention and seemed to be red flagged for me. It's Hebrews 6:13:19. I'm still reading in the Message:

"When God made his promise to Abraham, he backed it up to the hilt, putting his own reputation on the line. He said, 'I promise that I'll bless you with everything I have--bless and bless and bless!' Abraham stuck it out and got everything that had been promised to him. When people make promises, they guarantee them by appeal to some authority above them so that if there is any question that they'll make good on the promise, the authority will back them up. When God wanted to guarantee his promises, he gave his word, a rock solid guarantee--God can't break his word. And because his word can not change, the promise is likewise unchangeable.
We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God...." ~~The Message by Eugene Peterson

I like the promised blessings mentioned here, but that is not what hit me while reading this. I've never questioned that God has promised to bless our lives. I've not felt those blessings at times or I wondered when those blessings will come. (Anyone can tell you patience is not one of my strong points.) What struck me was "Abraham stuck it out..." That made me think back over the stories of Abraham's life. Yes he definitely "stuck it out"! God made a promise to him and it took almost a lifetime for that promise to be totally fulfilled and though Abraham "stuck it out" he did not do so with total grace. Abraham made some big blunders during the course of his life. There were times when you have to question how much he really trusted God and his promises. How much he really trusted God to care for him. Not only once, but twice he passed his wife off as his sister out of fear of losing his life to a King or Pharaoh. He didn't learn lessons about trusting God in all things very well. This struck a note of familiarity with my life. Yet, Abraham the writer of Hebrews says "...stuck it out and got everything promised to him."

Here is today's lesson for me. Stick it out! Trust God and his promises. Most importantly when I fail: When out of weakness, loneliness, or fear I fail to trust God and his promises, don't be so hard on myself. Always when I go back to God asking his forgiveness and help in being more patient, more trusting, and more faithful he will be there. Abraham was judged faithful despite his failings. I pray that at the end of my life when I approach God's throne I to will be found faithful.

THEY'RE BACK!!!!!!

How can something so small be so aggravating!!!!!!!!!!

NEW BEGINNINGS

We sang a favorite hymn in church this morning, This is A Day of New Beginnings by Brian Wren. I remember the first time I sang it was in 1998 just before I started my new job at Covenant. I had also just went on my Walk to Emmaus at which I was at the table called "New Beginnings". At that time of my life I did feel that it was a time of new beginnings and believing that life held such promise. I particularly love the first verse.

"This is a day of new beginnings
A time to remember and move on
Time to believe what love is bringing
Laying to rest the pain that's gone."

ANOTHER LIFE QUESTION.....

Question for the day....Is there a point to life?????? Seriously...after your kids are raised and they move out of the house, all your dreams for the future are at best put on hold, and you begin watching your friends suddenly drop dead...is there a point to life? If so what is it? How do you get back on track and stay there????? Yes, my roller coaster ride is in the pit at the moment. At least I am still capable of pondering life's questions and have the will to search for the answers to the questions how ever elusive they may be.

When not pondering, for now I bake.....not sure who for as I'm not interested in eating much of it. If nothing else I don't want getting fat to become the point of my life. I guess I'll take the stuff into work. Let them all get fat instead! When not baking I make sympathy cards. I seem to be needing a lot of them lately and as I have become very superstitious about deaths over the years I'm going to need another one soon. There's another life question: Why do deaths always seem to come in threes???? I'm trying to sew, but that joy at the moment is alluding me. Maybe tomorrow. After all tomorrow is a new day! Praise God for that.

LIFE???

Just a question tonight. My thoughts are such a jumble I can't put a comprehensible one together.

Why is life such a roller coaster of ups and downs?

I really am ready for a stretch of boring flatness. Not a depression flatness just a sameness of emotion; the proverbial even keel which I am beginning to doubt exists.

HEBREWS 5:8

The other day I was talking with a friend about my current reading habits. Since I'm alone so much I am reading up a storm. During May alone I read 5 books and listened to another. (I listen to books in the car going to and from work.) I know that's how many I read because I've started keep a list in Excel to keep track of what I read so I don't forget and begin rereading it. My friend shared with me that she has certain books she rereads on a regular basis because every time she does she is at a different point in her life and she gets a different message from the book.

That got me to thinking.....I do that with the Bible. Since I began reading the Bible, which was probably as soon as I began reading since I went to a parochial school and had Bible Study classes from grade 1 on, I have read through it many times. I am amazed how each time I read it, whether as part of my daily devotions, a planned out "read through the Bible in a year" programs, or a study of a certain theme or book of the Bible something new that I swear I never read before pops out.

I guess it is like my friend said; when ever I pick up and read the Bible I am at a different point in my life than I was the last time I did. Even on a daily basis I am in a different frame of mind or something new has happened or I am dealing with a new issue than a moment before. This happened this morning during my Bible reading.

This year I am following 2010 Bible Reading Guide put out by the Maryland Bible Society. Their pamphlet, which I found at our church, caught my attention because their theme for the year is Embodying Hope and I felt I certainly needed a good dose of hope this year. Currently the readings are from Hebrews today's Hebrews 4:14-5:10. For fun this year I am reading from Eugene Peterson's, The Message, though I keep my trusty NRSV close at hand.

Hebrews 5:8 was one of those verses that jumped out at me. It says "Though he [Jesus] was God's son he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." ~~The Message. That stopped me in my tracks. Jesus had to learn trusting-obedience just like I do and he learned it through suffering and the need to rely on God to be by his side and get him through the suffering! I couldn't believe what I was reading. Surely this was Eugene Peterson's interpretation, but no, the NRSV says "Although he was a Son, he learned obedience through what he suffered;..." I have been involved in numerous discussions and debates as to why it was so important that God came to earth in the form of a human baby and grew into a human man. For me this verse gives part of the answer to that question.

I have a hard time relating to God. God is God.....He is perfect. He can do all things. HE knows all things. He is above all things, or is he? When he came to earth in human form he allowed that part of him to be part of all things. He allowed himself to experience and feel all the things we humans do. He struggled with many of the same issues we humans do. According to Hebrews 5:8 he learned and he grew and reading on to verse 9 he being also divine went on to becoming perfect and therefore becoming our source of salvation. He did that partially by dealing with his struggles, taking them to his Father God and learning to trust and be obedient.

Now I know I can not become perfect, at least not in this world, I am not both human and divine, but I to can follow Jesus lead and out of my struggles, and currently there seem to be many in my life, learn to trust and be obedient to God. This is my lesson for the day.

SLEEP

Sleep.....who needs it?

I do!!!!!!

Last night was the first night something woke me up at 1am and of course my mind decided it was someone in the house.........so much for sleep! Even after what seemed like a lifetime of careful quiet listening and hearing nothing the possibility of sleep was gone! Even after I calmed down it was as if my body said "well that was a nice 2-1/2 hour nap we just had!"

So what do you do at 1:30 am in a hot house......read of course! I learned that trick from my sister. Thanks sis! Something tells me around 1:30 pm while at work my body will be more than willing to sleep.....unfortunately as I will be at work my boss probably won't agree.

Why is it at night our ears and minds can play tricks on us............not fair!

LIVING ALONE

What does one do when living alone....other than work that is?

Being a holiday weekend and the first 3 day stretch I have without needing to work outside the home I am discovering the answer to this question.....you.....

• Clean house
• Read
• Watch movies
• Clean house........

Exciting life huh?????

LIFE QUESTIONS.....

I just finished reading a short book by Nora Ephron called I Feel Bad About My Neck. This is a fun book for women at "that" stage of life. That meaning 55+. Lots of chuckles came out while reading it as well as a few sighs..... Toward the end of the book Nora lists a number of questions she says she "noodles over". Interesting that many of these questions are ones I too have "noodled" over. Not sure I have any more answers to them than she does.....but they continue to wander around my mind.

Nora's ponderings that intersect mine are:

• Do you splurge or do you hoard?
• Do you live every day as if it's your last, or do you save money in the chance you'll live 20+ more years?
• Is life too short, or is it going to be too long?
• Do you work as hard as you can, or do you slow down to smell the roses?

I have a few of my own:

• Does one ever deserve to make their dreams come true or is making your dreams come true being selfish and possibly irresponsible?
• Can one be true to self and still love and be loved or in order to love and be loved must you always put others desires first and putting self second?
• How much is too much?
  
• How little is too little?
• Are you who you think you are or who others think you are.....or are you someone no one knows or understands, other than God and he's not telling.......?????

Yes life is full of questions that if I'm not careful will cause not only my head to swim and spin, but answers that differ depending on the day.....yes total confusion!
I think waking up to words is much easier to deal with.

COURAGE

I don't know why but lately it seems as if I wake up in the morning with a word on my mind. IT was that way with "regret" as well as "illusion" and this morning at 5:30am it was "courage". I don't know why this is happening, but it does give me something to think about during the day.

As is usual I start with a basic definition: The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc. without fear; bravery. OK nothing unexpected there.

Then I move on to some quotes concerning courage. My favorite web site for quotes has become Thinkexist.com. So what do I find there that speaks to me.....well one actually relates back to one of my quotes on regret. Sven Goran Eriksson said " The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." This quote doesn't mention courage per sea, but acting out of fear of failure is I think the opposite of acting out of courage. Also not explicitly mentioning the word courage, Roseanne Cash said. "The key to change is to let go of fear." Letting go and overcoming fear seems to be the secret of gaining courage.

This brings back to mind the Upper Rooms Daily Reflection from last Saturday. It spoke on fear; what it does to us and what God says about it in our lives. Here was its thought taken from Norman Shawchuck's book A Guide to Prayer for All Who Seek God. "Fear kills a mind and soul by slowly obliterating the visions we hold for our lives. That we should not fall prey to fear is a constant theme in the scriptures. God does not want us to Succumb to the chilling and killing aspects of fear; God encourages people not to be afraid of the circumstances in which they find themselves. It seems that one of God's favorite themes is 'Do not be afraid' or 'Do not fear.' Perhaps God repeats this theme so often because we so often fear circumstances that confront us in our lives and ministries."

So it would seem the key to gaining courage is to conquer our fear. How do we conquer fear? A major way to to trust in the Lord. One of the final things John records Jesus as saying during the last supper prior to his betrayal was "In the world you face persecution. But take courage; I have conquered the world!" John 16:33b. Matthew ends his gospel with Jesus promise "And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20b.

There was one final quote that struck me as I read about courage. It was an anonymous one. "It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."

Courage; casting out fear really is the important thing to gain that elusive trait named courage! Courage can be a scary commodity, but only if it is fear that rules my life. Just how courageous am I willing to be????

REGRET

"Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future"
~~~Fulton Oursler

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
~~~Alexander Graham Bell

WHAT DIFFERENCE BOTH A YEAR AND AN HOUR CAN MAKE!

This morning as I was waking up I found myself thinking of what a difference one small year can make in a persons and a families life. May 2009 to May 2010 was definitely not a static year by any means. It was a year full of joys, excitement, sadness, regrets, and surprises on many fronts. Never in my wildest imagination on May 18, 2009 would I have thought I would be where I am today May 18, 2010. I guess some years are like that. Others pass by almost unnoticed with little change, though as I get older there seem to be fewer of those.

One year ago today there were two rather significant things occurring. One was very exciting; Jerry and I had pretty much finished the planning and were anticipating leaving in 4 days for a dream vacation (at least for me it was) a two week trip to Alaska. The first week on the Radiance of the Seas a beautiful RCI ship the second on a land tour visiting parts of interior Alaska including Denali National Park. That was the good and exciting thing of last year at this time. The other that came to my mind was that last year at this time I could barely move, and what movement I did have was accompanied by a great deal of pain. After a 20 year remission my RA had decided to make itself known once again.

So what's the difference this year? Well the positive and good thing is with the help of pharmaceuticals I can move again. Now pretty much pain free with just some morning stiffness on random days. That in and of itself give the last year a positive tilt. As for travel plans there is not so much of a positive outcome. There will be no grand trip this year. At best there will be a small trip here and there and only I will be involved with them. I don't so much mind the absence of a grand trip. Those can't be done every year, for one thing if they happened every year they would lose their grandness and just become another trip, but for me travel is something to be shared with another person. It's the sharing in the excitement of planning and the sharing of the trip that makes it fun and adventurous. Traveling alone has never really appealed to me in fact I find it a rather sad and lonely experience.

It is another life change from the past year that has brought about my travel planning to now being on my own. A year ago I was sharing my life with my life partner. Today I am sharing my life with no one. Oh there are other family members and many friends, but that is not the same. They all have their own lives. When you are married it's like your life together is a circle and you are two dots inside that circle. Your circle can rest up against the circles of your friends and other family members , but it only rests on the edge of their circle it doesn't enter into it because they have their own circle of life that takes priority, which is the way it should be, When you are alone. There is no one in your circle anymore and the best you can do is rest up against the lives of others, but you are not together with anyone. Not sure if that makes any sense to any one but me, but I know what I mean and am feeling. I guess this relationship loss is the area where many regrets come in, but regrets serve no purpose so I will work to make a new life with what God grants me on a daily basis. Do I know where I will be in another year--no. I Don't know where I will be in May of 2011 anymore than I knew where I would be now in May 2009.

There still were more big changes from 2009 to 2010. Job changes occurred. There was the lose of a job held for 11 years and the picking up of two new jobs. More hours and less pay, but overall I guess though unexpected as of May 2009 this was an okay change. I do enjoy my two new jobs though they are more tiring, but also less stressful.

The best unexpected change from 2009 to 2010 is I have a new daughter-in-law. A year ago to the best of my knowledge Nate wasn't even dating! Now he has wonderful new wife! Isn't she beautiful? And her whole being is just as beautiful. Now don't get me wrong, Nate is just as handsome as Lindsay is beautiful. Together they make a wonderful couple and I pray that with God by there side they will never have any regrets and that they will grow in their love.

So exciting trips that are no more, job changes, separation and aloneness, new family members.....yes lots of changes occurred in the past 12 months. Life does not stand still, but I am ready for a calmer quieter season. I'm not sure that will happen any more than I am sure where I will be come May 2011. I have often heard that the only thing guaranteed in our life is change. I guess that is true. I've also heard that the only true failure in life is a risk not taken. I'm not one that embraces risk well, but maybe I need to learn to do that more. Can you teach old dogs new tricks????

Oh, I almost forgot. The title of this rather long ponderous BLOG entry indicated an hour can make a change also; and it has. After pondering all the above while lying in bed during the early morning hours and I admit getting a little melancholy I got up and as I usually do checked my morning e-mail while eating breakfast. Maybe there is an exciting trip in my future come July. One of my e-mails informed me that my quilt, Good Things Come in Small Boxes, has been accepted to be part of the American Quilt Society show in Knoxville, TN. It probably will be a trip I will take on my own, but I will have a quilt to go visit while on it. This could be exciting............anyone want to go to Knoxville??????

CONGRATULATIONS NATE & LINDSAY!

We did it!

We may have failed at somethings but one thing we did not fail at was raising 3 wonderful children and now we have a beautiful new daughter, Lindsay. Welcome to our family. You are already loved by all, but most of all by Nate! Best wishes for a life together with God by your side!