I think the reminder to and challenge of coming up with dreams for my future did not work as well as I had hoped. When you are out of practice, allowing yourself the freedom to dream is not as easy as it sounds or as it should be. By last night I was pretty discouraged. Every dream I had considered was met with thoughts of why it was impossible or impractical. I came very close to rejecting the notion that there is a place for dreams in my life at the moment.
I find this to be a very scary and depressing place and though I do not want to be here this is where I am. I can't ignore where I'm currently at in my life, but I sure would like to .I'd like to curl up into a little ball in the corner and just tell life to go away. It's too hard. I'm too tired of fighting it. I'm tired of dealing with problems alone and being alone. This is not how I thought I would be living at this point in my life.
Thank God as the title of this post states I was only Tempted To Give Up. God is good. He is not allowing me to give up on myself, as much as I want to. He provided me with an Aunt, that though I was not close to after I married and left home, who always when I was in a trying time sent a note letting me know I was a very strong person. She reminded me that she felt I was the strong one in the family and with that strength I could overcome anything that life would throw at me. I have never been able to forget that faith she had in me. I remember her now.
Also God keeps placing devotions and bible passages in front of me that remind me to not give up. In the book of Joshua today I read that God reminded Joshua to not give up; to not allow himself to get sidetracked from all God had promised him. God told him in chapter 1; ""Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take." The Upper Room Devotion for the day was written by a woman who found herself alone. The verses in the devotion were Psalm 91:1-2 "You who live in the shelter of the Most High, who abide in the shadow of the Almighty, will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust." and Matthew 28:20 "Jesus said, 'Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.'" Then I opened a book and read "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him." Romans 15:13.
Yes, God is good. Even when I so strongly want to give up. He is there reminding me that I am not as alone as I feel. He won't give up on me and he won't allow me to give up on myself. I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't yet know what I dare to dream for my future. What I do know is that with God by my side I can take each day as it comes. I can ride the highs and I can wade through the lows. Someday even, I may find the courage to dream again without the what ifs haunting me. God IS good and he knows what my future holds and he will be there to walk me to it and through it. What he offers me now is sufficient to get through this day and experience the fullness of it. Thank you Lord!