MEMORIES

Memory is a child walking along a seashore.  You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things.  ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

 Going through a home that has been lived in almost 28 years and contains memorabilia of a lifetime has become almost overwhelming.  I have discovered many "pebbles" that have been picked up and stored away over the years.  The dilemma is what memory to keep with a physical representation and what memories can survive simply in the heart.  There just won't be room as I downsize to keep all memorabilia that has been collected.   

There have been so many vacations, so many milestones, so many life events.  Which ones are most important to memorialize with things, or are the things attached to the memory just clutter.  What to do with that special quilt, the shelves of photos, the slides, the postcards and letters, a grandfathers rocking chair...the list seems endless and every drawer opened reveals more.  Some memory items go back generations.  But the  sorting must be done and the decisions must be made....keep this; dispose of that.  

I keep trying to tell myself I am not dismantling a life, but preparing for a continuation into a new phase of the life and there needs to be room for new memories: That this sorting and disposing of things from the past doesn't destroy or denigrate the past.  I tell myself memories are more than "pebbles" picked up along life's path.  They are things stored in the heart and the heart has an endless amount of space for them. 

Oscar Wilde shares a thought on memories in The Importance of Being Earnest--

 Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us.  

I can do this.  Its not quick and its not easy, but I can do this.  I pray I make wise decisions on what to keep in form of a memory item and what to keep in my heart unattached to a thing.  More impotantly I hope I don't accidentally dispose of  someone else's memory. 

A DAY FOR LOVE AND DREAMS COME TRUE!

A yes it seems today is a day for love and for dreams come true. From early morning to late at night, today all the news revolves around young love and the possibility that any young girl could one day meet her prince charming and become a princess.  I've been somewhat amazed at the amount of time that has been spent in looking and re-looking at the wedding of Prince William and Katherine.  They say over 1 MILLION people in the streets of London all trying to be part of this wondrous wedding and estimates of up to 2 BILLION people watching the wedding live on TV.  What is the drawing factor of this event?  Why is it that I really couldn't get into being a part of the event in real time?  I don't know.  Am I jealous or jaded about love?  Do I want to ignore others love since I seemed to be a failure at it myself?  Have I given up on the belief that dreams can become reality. Or is it simply that I am just to busy living my life, such as it is, to want to spend early morning hours celebrating this wedding.  I  have no idea what makes me unaffected by this wedding when it seems the whole world is enthralled and enchanted by it.  I wish I could feel thrilled and excited by it, but I just don't. Does this make me a bad or sad person?

DREAMS

A blog that I follow and receive e-mails from had some things for thought about following your dreams.
The writer of the blog asked the question "If you knew that tomorrow you could not fail, what would you put on your drawing board today?"  Then she went on to ask "What's holding you back?  Fear? Time? Money?"

Interesting questions to ask yourself.  I think that I will spend some time today while on the train trip from NC back to MD mulling these questions.  I'm not totally sure what I would put on the drawing board today if I knew I would not fail, but I don't even have to think about what would hold me back.  Probably all of the above; fear, time and money.  I definitely have a strong fear of failure.  Time is definitely a factor when combined to energy levels.  Then there is the money issue.  There is truth that we find both time and money for what is really important to us.  I have seen that in my life if I am honest about it.  So I guess it comes down to the fear factor.  What did Mary have to say about fear?  "If your fear of a negative outcome is keeping you from even trying, you will never succeed."

So I  have lots to think about today.  Is my fear of failure to keep me in the future from even attempting to make my dreams come true.  Can I step out in faith and go into a new tomorrow confident in my dreams?

Oh, the Blog I follow and got these thoughts from is Laying Some Tracks
Mary Hunt always has great tips for living life to the fullest yet within your means.  Check you her web site Debt Proof Living.

ONE DOORWAY FROM HEAVEN

I just finished a book by this title written by Dean Koontz.  In the book a character asks the question "What will you find behind the door that is one door away from Heaven?"   Every person that was asked this question had an answer, but only one got it right the first time asked.  I'm not sure there is one right answer to this question.  It may be that different people would find different things.  I'm not sure what my answer would be, but I love the answer given by Leilani: "If your heart is closed, then you will find behind that door nothing to light your way. But if your heart is open, you will find behind that door people, who like you, are searching, and you will find the right door together with them.  None of us can ever save himself; we are the instruments of one another's salvation, and only by the hope we give to others do we lift ourselves out of the darkness into the light."

We need people to walk this journey called life with us.  To walk the journey alone is to live in darkness.  We need to live our life in a manner that gives others hope.  Without hope life becomes, I think, meaningless and very dark indeed.  

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME INTO SOMETHING I AM NOT!

I just had a birthday.  Not a biggy, that was last year, but none the less I received many cards from friends.  A number of them besides wishing me a "Happy Birthday" also commented on my strength in the past year that has been an inspiration to them.  I'm happy that I can provide inspiration to some, but please don't make me into something I am not.  No pedestals please, the fall from them can be very painful.  To those on the outside I may seem strong.  I may come across as in control.  I may seem happy and excited about my future, but don't be fooled.  I am no different than anyone else.  I am human.  I am scared. I am alone.  I don't know which way to turn next and I have no idea how I will face the future other than putting one foot in front of the other and taking each moment as it comes.  One moment at a time.
This morning I awoke to a phone call letting me know of the death of the husband of a friend.  The wind was knocked out of me like I'm sure it was out of many who were hearing the same news.  I couldn't think....I couldn't speak.  At best I could cry inside my head "God not again! No more I can't handle any more pain, loss and suffering for myself or anyone else.  Where are you?  Have you turned your back on this world?"  My pain was minimal compared to that of Cindy and her children, but it was pain none the less.  I'm sick of death.  I'm sick of loss.  I think it would be fair at this moment to say I'm sick of life.  2011 sucks!  There is no way around it.  At least not for me today, April 1.  I can only wish this is all only a sick April Fools joke.  Unfortunately it is not.....It is life. 
I can only hope that tomorrow will be a better day.  I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.  I will hope that the future will be brighter than the present.  I will try and believe once again in love. And yes I will continue, I guess, to put on a brave front.  I guess that's what I do. I guess that's what lots of us do.  It's whats expected of us.  Please though, don't put me on any pedestals. I don't want to one day fall off.  I am only human and the fall would be more painful than I could bear. Just keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.  Maybe God will listen and the rest of 2011 will be a little less painful, confusing and lonely.  Maybe just maybe he will help show us all how to make some sense out of what has happened in the world so far.  Just maybe........

NOTHING TO BE SAID

There is nothing to be said tonight but cough...hack...cough.  And ouch!  I think I've coughed so hard I've pulled every muscle in my upper body.  Even my forearms and wrists ache!  What ever this is it is not fun!
With pollen popping things will in all likelihood not get any better soon.  :(  Now to watch the President.  I'm sure that will cheer me up........NOT!  More reasons just given be at yet another war that is not a war.

OLD MOVIES

As part of working to clean out the house so it can be readied for sale I am going through old VHS tapes.  You know those ones that we used to record those TV shows and movies on in order to watch them at a later date.  It is turning out to be a very interesting activity.  This technology of the 20th century did not allow the skipping of advertisements or news briefs.  Currently I am watch movies recorded in 1991, 10 years ago.  They probably were recorded when I was too busy or tired from raising  10, 8,  and a 6 year olds to watch TV at night without falling asleep. Oh, they may have been on a night I was working at Julie's Quilt shop.  So here are some interesting history I am being reminded of.....George Bush senior was president of the USA at the time.  The minimum wage was raised to $4.25.  People were be encouraged to continue using generic drugs even though there were some manufacturing problems with certain of them; from the way this story was read it sounded as if generic drugs were a relative new thing.  The Soviet Union still existed but was soon to fall.  By the end of 1991 it no longer existed.  Now for those who think prices have gotten out of control....The Red Lobster ShimpFest was being advertised for $10.95.  Frank Herzog was also still doing sports on ABC here in Washington DC.  Oh and the movies were recorded from the ABC Monday Night Movie.  Ah yes those were the good old days!  I never thought I would say I wish I could go back, but I think I maybe do wish I could go back and do a few things differently.

ANOTHER VACATION???

Yes I said another vacation.  I've already had two this year and I am ready for another one.  I was ready the day I got home from my last. I've done a lot of thinking as to why this is.  Vacations are fun but being at home should be also fun and one does need to work AND I do enjoy my various jobs.  So why do I want so leave again.  Is it just running away?  In a way yes it is, but it also is running to something.  What I like so much about being on vacation is that when I go to bed at night there is someone to say good night too and when I get up in the morning I just need to walk out of the bedroom to find someone to say good morning to.  In other words on vacations I'm not alone when at "home". 
Even when I cruised to the Bahamas in a cabin by myself I just got dressed in the morning and headed to the dining room where I had a table full of people to great the day with.  On vacation meals are eaten with people not in front of the TV or in a chair by myself. 
So yes I've already had more vacations than most people at this point of the year, but I am ready for another. 

A PEAK AT A WONDERFUL WEEK AT SEA!

ACCEPTANCE

The word for yesterday and today seems to be "acceptance".  It is showing up everywhere in my reading of devotions, magazines and books.  Two quotes that pertain to is are from Paul Tournier.

• Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.
• At the heart of personality is the need to feel a sense of being lovable without having to qualify for that acceptance.

These two quotes approach acceptance from two different sources. 

The first is a self acceptance of  what life throws at you. It comes from with-in.  I'm glad to have found this because I think that I have struggled with acceptance of circumstances that I don't want or like as being a form of resignation. I was thinking of that a lot yesterday when my devotional reading had the quote "It is as it is".  The devotion was talking about dealing with unexpected and nasty things life throws at us.  When negative thoughts about the unwanted life event come the writer suggested repeating "it is what it is"  and then with God's help moving on, but he also stressed that acceptance and resignation are not one and the same.  He went on to say yesterday is history and it can not be rewritten.  By praying "it is what it is" the author suggests our heart can be opened to tomorrow's hope.  So from Paul Tournier and the devotion I learn acceptance does not equal resignation, but that acceptance can lead to hope.

The second Tournier quote deals with an acceptance that comes to us from outside sources.  The feeling of being lovable without having to do something to qualify for that love.  The I'm OK.  It is true we need to accept, love, and be OK with ourselves; but equally it is important to be accepted by another outside of our self.  That acceptance is I think critical to who we are and who we become. I think Paul Tournier would agree.

Psalm 62: 5-6

"For God alone my soul waits in silence for my hope is from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken." 

~~Psalm 62:5-6

I can not honestly say that I have reached the point in my faith journey where I can not be shaken.  I wish I could, but that would be hiding from reality.  Last night and this morning I have to accept the fact that I have been once again shaken to my core.  I wait and I place my hope in God, but I do so, I think, not so much that I trust him, but out of the sense there is no where else to go.  At the moment nothing makes sense to me.  There is too much pain not only in my life but in the lives of so many friends.  There is so much uncertainty.  There is so much despair that never seems to end.  Even when you think it has it simply comes back in another form.  Today I will live with this verse.  I will try my best to carry it with me through the activities of the day.  I will work to make it my own: to get to the place where I can declare with confidence that God alone is my rock and my salvation; I shall not be shaken!

From my morning devotional once again....

"The deepest comfort in our mourning is to know that God not only has compassion but actually feels our suffering with us." 

~~Flora Slosson Weullner from her book Forgiveness, the Passionate Journey

I have thought and wondered about this concept often in the last year.  The idea that God might actually feel my suffering with me.  I know and fully accept that he knows my suffering, but the understanding and acceptance that he "feels" my suffering along with me is harder for me.

As I understand it one of the purposes of  God sending his Son, a apart of himself, to earth was so that we would have a means by which we could learn and know the nature of God.  As humans we struggle to know God, if for no other  reason than he is God and we are human.  Jesus came and dwelt among us and he was BOTH God and human. God allowed himself to take on the traits of and experience being human.  I'm not so sure that is any easier for me to understand than the nature of God, but I accept it on faith and I look to Jesus to learn about God.

Jesus, from what I read in my Bible experienced every emotion that I have felt.  He cried; he experienced others wanting him to become something he wasn't; he felt pain; he had the need to pull apart for times alone; he felt impatience; he felt sadness; he felt rejection.  The list can go on, but this morning while meditating on this devotion this last item struck me.  Jesus felt rejection! 

Yes, God knows what I am feeling.  He can and does feel my suffering.  Does this make my suffering any less?  No not really, but I think it does make it a little easier to bear and is does make it a little less scary.  Most importantly it does make me feel a little less alone.

The introductory thought from this mornings devotion, also from the same book and author was...

"Pain and sorrow are never wasted when given into God's hands, and their transformation is far beyond our imaginings."

I look forward to that transformation. I get glimpses of it now and then but we humans have, or at least this human has, a hard time putting things into God's hands and leaving them there.  It seems that not only do I need to continue to work on seeking and understanding of God's nature, but I also need to work on fully and totally trusting him with my life and my future.  I try to do both daily.

TWO THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY!

It's not even 10 am (okay for some people I know that is late, but I am a night owl not a morning person) an I already have been given two thoughts to mull over as the day progresses.  Of course from my devotional readings......

"Even to your old age I am he, even when you turn gray I will carry you. I have made ,and I will bear; I will carry and will save." 

   ~~Isaiah 46:4    

Nice to be reminded that God will be with me by my side even as I grow old.  Can't comment on the gray as I already am that.  I try not to think of myself already as old, but I remember going to my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary when I was around 22 and had been only married a year and thinking.  'WOW....there is no way I can make that and they are so vital even though they are so old!  They were probably only in their late 60's and while I was right I will not see my 50th anniversary I'm getting  close to that age!  Where did all those years go?????

The second thought is:

"I often imagine that life would be like if I hadn't made so many mistakes. But then I imagine what my life would be like if I overcame the guilt and moved on.  Maybe I could be stronger than ever."

                ~~Nakia Gater

This was taken from a devotion written for teens, but it certainly is a thought I need to embrace and probably most of use would do well to ponder.  Guilt over the past serves no purpose but dragging down our future.  God did not create us for guilt. I believe guilt is a man made concept.  I think it is one developed by those who want to keep control over the people they continually remind of their failing. We learn guilt at an early age and it becomes part of us. 

So with God's help I plan on overcoming the guilt that has been heaped on me an I have allowed at times take over my life.  The past is past.  I can learn from it but I can not change it.  It is what it is and I need to look forward to today and what my future can be. When it comes to guilt I can become my own worst enemy!  No more.

                                                 

BLIND QUILTER

This woman is amazing and what an inspiration!
I had to share this here so when I get down or I am tempted to think there is nothing that I can do to make a difference I knew where to come to see that everyone can make a difference and limitations we face are of our own making.  WOW!  What an amazing woman and what an amazing God!

WHO AM I?

We all wear masks in our lives.  I think that is just part of being human.  Especially being human in the 20th and 21st centuries.  Everywhere we turn the media, bosses, friends and yes even family are putting expectations on us that force us to put in a mask and be even for a moment or a season what we are not.  Sometimes we take these masks off after the season is past.  Other times they stay in place and we start to believe that this is who we really are.  Rarely I think are we totally comfortable under the mask, but taking it off becomes to risky.

Today is my first day back in MD after a wonderful 2 1/2 week trip.  During that time I experienced for the first time in many many years, 5 days of being in a situation where no one knew me.  I was a total stranger to all.  I tried to be who I was minus any masks.  Alas I discovered even I didn't know who I really was any longer.  Thoughts would come to mind as I watched the sunset or listened to music that I tried to understand if they were mine or that of a hidden person or event from my subconscious telling me "this is how you are supposed to think to be accepted and to be a "good person".  I think it will take considerably longer than 5 days to uncover who I am under the various masks I wear. 

In thinking about all this I uncovered a quote from e.e. cummings that says a lot:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."  

The book I found this quote in says he was 63 when he wrote it.  So if he was discovering this at that age I guess it is not too late for me to discover it.  Today I begin and exploration using various means into rediscovery of ME.  It may sound selfish, but how can I know where to head in the rest of my life if I don't know who I am.  Probably should have done this years ago, however I was too busy putting on the masks of life to figure it all out.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if I found out I wore no masks at all but really was true to myself and how God made me, but you know I doubt that will be the case. 

One encouraging thought is that wearing masks and trying to please people did not work.  It did not place me in the life position where I wanted to be at this point. 

LIFE'S BIGGEST TRAGEDY

I found this quote in today''s devotional reading.  I think it bears some thought:

"The tragedy in life is not in the fact of death but in what dies inside us while we live."

~~Norman Cousins from Human Options

What have I allowed to die within me and what am I still allowing to die?  Can things be resurrected one we have allowed them to die?  

I am a strong believer that with God's guidance and help I can change.  I need to believe this, and can do so because it has happened in my life in the past.   Believing this, I do believe things that we have allowed to die with in us can be resurrected, but we can only work to resurrect things within ourselves.  We have no power to resurrect things that have died within others.  They must make those choices and changes for themselves.

NOTHING MUCH TO SAY....

Well if anyone thought I have anything to say these days they would be wrong....my brain is totally and utterly frozen.....either that or it's just plain worn out from dealing with daily shtuff.........this winter can not end too soon for me.  I also could use a bit more sun than just a random hour or two.....maybe later something will come to mind but I kind of doubt it.

NO WHERE TO GO BUT UP!

Okay, so it is only 1:10 pm on New Years Day and already 2011 has no where to go but up.

• Only managed 3 1/2 hours sleep last night and even it was restless
• First thing this morning Ott light, the main source of light in family room went off.  Thought it was bulb having burnt out....of course it wasn't the light itself died....$110 later I can see again
• Settled in to watch Capital One Bowl and my MSU Spartans play only to discover you have to have cable and get ESPN in order to see it; which of course I don't!!!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.......at least it isn't freezing cold out as well.  So common 2011 cut a gal some slack you are supposed to be better than 2010.........

Edited to add:  I guess it was a good thing that I couldn't watch the Capital One Bowl.....sounds like it was a pretty depressing game if you where a Spartan fan.  Still love Sparty though.  I will not be a fickle fan.....just a sad one.  :(   Even the Rose Bowl is no longer on braodcast TV......but the way that game was going I guess that is good as well....Big Ten Football may you RIP!

GOOD BYE 2010: HELLO 2011!

There is just under one hour left in 2010 here on the East Coast.  Am I sad to see it end?  No not really.  I am looking forward to a new year.  There is always promise with new beginnings and what better a new beginning than a new year and a new decade.  Boy, this last decade flew by.  That in and of itself is somewhat scary.  It seems as if we just celebrated the new millennium and I just turn 50! Suddenly the 21st century is 10% gone and I've turned 60.  Before I know it I may be 70 and the 21st century 20% gone and there is so much I still want to accomplish and see.
Everyone seems to be talking of bucket lists.  I've heard at least four references to them tonight alone.  What's on your bucket list?  What's on my bucket list?  Hmmmm.....not sure I operate with a bucket list.  Maybe I should.  I tend to take things as life throws them at me; which probably contributes to the roller coaster ride I often feel I'm on.  One day up; the net day suddenly down.  Do I know how to live any other way?  I'm not sure.  At least recognizing that I experience life as a roller coaster ride of ups and downs I know that no matter how low I get, tomorrow holds the possibility and often the promise of being a better day. 
So here's to 2011 and what ever it throws at us.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

RUN DOWN ON 2010

January---Start first year trying to learn how to be single
February--SNOW!  And new Daughter-in-Law
March--Start a new decade of life, turned 60 to little fanfare just another birthday.
April--FSQ Quilt show
May--Formal wedding of Nate and Lindsay, and get to met Lindsay's family we are now a truly international family
June--Buy new sewing machine after 23 years, Love it!
July--First solo road trip then joined by mom for AQS Quilt Show in Knoxville, TN.  Missed Germantown earthquake.
August--County fair and all its trappings
September--Wonderful trip to TX for another wedding celebration with sons and DIL. Broke collarbone in a fall, not an activity I would recommend.
October--mainly a month of recovery couldn't do much else.  Learned without a doubt what wonderful friends I have.
November--Attended final wedding of year.  Count was; attended 4 weddings and missed 4 weddings.  For many it was a wonderful year of love and new beginnings.
December--COLD!  A sense of  survival and also gratitude for the many blessings the year did bring.

This is just a short synopsis of 2010.  Mixed in with all the above were multiple Dr. visits relating to collarbone and my RA; work with my many wonderful fellow employees and employers; shoveling of too much snow; beginning to clean out the house of 27 years of accumulation; many challenges and many blessings; and all the daily activities that keep live moving forward.
I have unfortunately developed the bad habit of watching too much TV, but it brings noise and movement into the house and I have read more in the past year than I've read in the past 30 years or so other than children's books read when the kids were little.
Well that's it for 2010.  I have a few more days of work in it and then it will go into the annals of history.

THE STORM THAT WASN'T

Well this was the winter storm that wasn't, at least for those around Montgomery County, MD.  Other parts of the East Coast haven't and aren't faring so well.  Montgomery County, PA for example.  We ended up living to far west to gt any snow other than a few flurries.  South of us, North of us and easpecially to the East of us along the coast are getting blasted however!  What we do have though is wind!  Boy is it ever howling.....I just hope we keep our power as it is also once again very cold.  What a winter this has been already,  Good thing Global Warming has changed to Climate Change.  We could use a bit of warming around here at the moment.  There have been few days above freezing during the month and all nights have been down well into the 20's.  Brrrr....

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

A very Merry Christmas wish to all.  I hope your day was filled with love and family and friends.  Here the celebrations are over and now it is time to get back to the business of daily life.  Winter's daily life in a Mid-Atlantic state, often means will it or won't it???????  Only God knows at this point.
What am I referring to.......SNOW!  For almost a week now the weather gurus have been going back and forth as to a coastal storm.  Will we get hit or not.  As of now Winter Weather Warnings have been posted for our area, still they are not sure how much or where the storm will actually hit.  One thing you need to live around here is the winter is a good dose of "c'est la vie"  What will be will be. 
At least nothing is supposed to start till morning, but then this maorning it was supposed to start around 1pm today.  We did have flurries this morning, but not enough to count as anything.  Maybe it is a "God thing" that son decided to head back home to PA this evening rather then wait till tomorrow.  That may be an omen.  We'll see.  There is no where I must go or anything I must do the next few days so I day BRING IT ON!  Just please don't disrupt our power please.  It is already so cold.

CURRENT AND BLAST FROM THE PAST!

This week on Glee's Christmas show a song was sung that struck a chord with me. It was familiar, but I couldn't place it so of course I Googled it and discovered that it was written by Richard Carpenter and sung first by his sister Karen.  Ah, I remember the Carpenters. What a blast from the past.  I could probably dig through the record albums on the shelf and find at least one of theirs. Their music always could bring a smile to my face and  every once in a while a tear to my eye.  Their music spoke to my heart and I guess it still does.  So, Merry Christmas Darling.....and a Merry Christmas to all!

RANT!

Life could be so much better without technology!!!!  Don't you think so?  Ah yes it has been a bad week with computers, i-Pods, and various software nightmares........oh then there is digital TV, cameras....and cell phones!  I dread ever needing a new cell phone or TV....Well maybe life wouldn't be better, but it would certainly be less stressful and less complicated!

CHRISTMAS & LOVE

This morning a quote popped up on Facebook that stuck me as being an important thing to remember. So I share it here with you:

  

"A baby is born with a need to be loved . . . and never outgrows it. ~Frank A. Clark

 Love is a universal need.  It does not matter what your race, religion, gender, age or economic status.  We all want to be loved.  Christmas is about love.  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and  only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life."  John 3:16  The birth of a baby in Bethlehem, the ultimate love gift from God, is celebrated at Christmas.

During this Christmas season my prayer is that love is found by all and that each of us reaches out and shares our love with another.  Love should be the easiest Christmas present to give, but unfortunately sometimes it is the hardest. 

IMAGINE!

30 years ago the world became a little sadder place.

CHRISTMAS CELEBRATIONS

What a wonderful afternoon and evening.  I was invited by a friend to go down to the National Cathedral in Washington DC to hear a performance of Handel's Messiah.  The whole thing.  All 3 hours of it!!!  But it was worth sitting that long.  At least we got to stand during the Hallelujah Chorus.  Our seat were in the back balcony which put us a long way away from the musicians, but that was okay the sound was great and the view was fantastic!  This picture doesn't do the view justice, but you can see how far back we were.  The acoustics are not concert hall quality, but it was amazing hearing Handel's music in the Cathedral setting. 

It was dark by the time we left the concert and I love the way the Cathedral is lit at night.  It's really hard to get a picture without a tripod, but I did my best. We were lucky and stumbled upon a parking space right behind the Cathedral that was free.  It would have been warmer parking in the underground garage, but it comes with a price and you do still have to walk outside for a while.  It was much easier walking back to the car after the concert. It was down hill and we were walking with the wind rather than into it.  Boy I hope it is not this cold all winter. 

On our way home we stopped in Bethesda for a quick dinner.  By the time we got there the wind was really blowing and we were very happy we found a restaurant just outside the parking garage! 

Secret Shop, hearing the Messiah, and the cold......despite myself I am getting into the Christmas spirit!  Tomorrow night a holiday party at quilt guild meeting and then a special Christmas luncheon on Weds with girl friends.  Yes it is that season!

LOTS OF WORK & LOTS OF MEMORIES

What a week.....lots of prep and finalizing for the Secret Shop at church today.  Also what a lot of memories of past Secret Shops. 
You might be asking what is a Secret Shop????  It's a special Christmas shopping experience for children.  One where they can shop with the help of their own personal "shopping Elf" for their family and friends.  They do so in secret making their own choices so there are some Christmas surprises they give to those they love.  Of course I'm sure there are some loved ones that are a bit confused by the present they have been given when it was chosen by a 3 year old who really did not want "elfish " advise concerning their choice of a stuffed teddy bear for grandpa.

 Covenant UMC's Secret Shop was begun over 25 years ago. It is one of the few programs that has continued without interruption t the church from its inception.  The kids love it and the money raised goes to help programs related to children both locally and around the world.  Most items available to be purchased have been handmade but crafting elves who work throughout the year.  There's always a panic come the first of November that there will not be enough to satisfy demand, but there always is. 

This year we had just under 100 children shop.  These are children between 3 and 11 and they are all shopping and having their packages wrapped during a 3 hour time period.  Yes it is a bit crazy at times!  While the children shop mom and dad or who ever brought them get to hang out in a "parent's waiting room" and munch on goodies washed down with coffee, tea, orange juice or cider.  This year we had the extra excitement of the new Covenant Cooks II cookbook with literally hot off the presses having arrived the previous day!  Yummy recipes from some great cooks!  Methodists are renowned for their potluck dinners and love of eating!!!!!!!

Yes it was a very busy and very tiring day, but is was also filled with wonderful memories of the preceding 28 or so Secret Shops including those my children took part in.  I shared one memory with Stephanie tonight.  Santa used to visit the Secret Shop and one year after sitting on Santa's lap for a picture Stephanie pulled me aside and very firmly announced that "that was not really Santa, but Mr. Koch"  I don't remember exactly how old she was, but I don;t think it was more that 4 or 5.  As she said tonight she was already incredibly smart and observant at a very early age.....yep that's my GIRL! 

I'm not sure where all the years have gone to, but they have flown by.  Life is not what I expected it to be at this point, but I am so happy that I still have my memories of  wonderful Christmases past.  I hope in time to begin once again making wonderful memories that I will fondly look back on with a smile on my face. 

28 DAYS!

Yep that's right only 28 days till Christmas!  I wasn't going to put up a tree or decorate this year for a variety of what I first thought were valid reasons, but sanity kicked in while spending time with the kids on Thanksgiving.  As you can see I do have a tree.  It's only a small one but it is a size I can handle on my own.  I do like it.  This is the first time ever that the tree is in the living room and can be seen from the street.  For the next month the living room will be my sanctuary from the business of the season.  I hope it will be a place that will keep me in touch with the true reason we celebrate Christmas.  It is the time of year we remember that God came down and lived among us on earth beginning with the birth of a baby in Bethlehem. 

ANOTHER THANKSGIVING DAY IS OVER

Thanksgiving 2010 is pretty much history.  I should be in bed asleep resting up for a day at work tomorrow, but I wanted to take a few moments to reflect on the day.
Thanksgiving is a day when not only most Americans over eat, but more importantly we reflect back on the blessings of the past year and give thanks for them.  I did have a wonderful day with Jeremy, Nate, and Lindsay.  I got to talk with Stephanie and my mom, sister and her family.  For these things I am grateful.  I would have talked with my brother and his wife, but they are off on a weekend in northern MI.  Other friends I greeted via the Internet.
Even with everything going on during the day I did take time both this morning and again after our Thanksgiving dinner to look back over the year past year seeking things to give thanks for.  I'm not going to try and pretend it hasn't been a difficult year in many ways, but I did find much to be thankful for.  Of course I am very thankful for my children and the rest of my family.  Also for my many friends who have shown their love and support in many ways.  I am thankful for each of my jobs and the people I work with at each of them. I can honestly say there is not a one of my fellow employees or bosses that I do not enjoy being with.  I am extremely thankful that when I fell and broke my collarbone and needed stitches over my eye that that is the only damage I did to myself.  It could have been so much worse. 
The thing that I am most thankful for this year is a growing relationship with God.  Through a variety of means including daily devotional readings, bible study and prayer I am learning more about his unconditional love for me.  A love so deep and passionate that I have a hard time comprehending its fullness.  I am learning to lean on him and trust him and his direction.   The hardest part is I am having to learn to be patient to accept his timing in my life and believe that he does have a plan for where my life is headed. 
Thanksgiving for all of life's blessings is something that should take place each and every day.  Not just on the fourth Thursday of November.  I pray that I can remember this. I want to spend time each day looking for the blessing contained there in.  For no matter how bad a day might look on the surface there are always many things to be grateful for.  I want an attitude of gratitude!

IT'S OFFICIAL!

Ah, after all these years of frustration and confusion it is now official I am normal!!!
You are probably wondering what on earth is she yamering about now? 
This morning I woke up to a story on NPR's Morning Edition program talking about people going in circles.  OK, so they were talking about when people are blindfolded they may think they are walking in a straight line but after about 20 or so steps they actually begin to naturally walk in circles.   But....I choose to take comfort in the fact that it is natural for people to go in circles what ever the reason or the means by which they do so. 

WHERE DO YOU FALL?

Balance in life, where do you fall along the continuum of activity?  At one end there is little activity or involvement in life.  At the other there is so much activity there is no time to breathe.  Being on either extreme is not good for us.  We need balance.  Chances are if you are like me you move somewhere along the continuum on a daily basis.  Hopefully unlike me you have learned how to avoid the two extremes.  I am trying to work on avoiding the extremes. 
For the most part I think I stay away from the inactive end of the spectrum  at this point of my life. This is not necessarily good thing however because it does not mean that I am spending more time in the middle.  In actuality most my friends would tell you I spend way to much time out of the fringe of over commitment. I can give all sorts of justifications for this, but in truth none of them are anything but excuses. 
My morning devotions included a quote from Patsy Clairmont, one of my favorite Women of Faith.

"Doing too much is as dangerous as doing nothing at all.  Both modes present us from savoring our moments.  One causes me to rush right past the best of life without recognizing or basking in it, and the other finds me sitting quietly as life rushes past me."

So where do you fall activity of life continuum?  To the right?  To the left?  Or maybe you are blessed and have already learned the joys and benefits of a life spent roaming around in the middle.  I pray as I move toward 2011 I will do a better job of learning to live and experience life in the middle. 

ANOTHER QUOTE TO THINK ON

It's been a while that I have run across a quote that I  have wanted to record here  so I can refer back to it over time and also to share with those who happen to stop by.  I found one today in my reading.  It is by Corrie ten Boom.  Corrie was an amazing person from an amazing family.  If you would like to learn more about her you can click on her name above.

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God. 

~~Corrie ten Boom

Good advice to never forget.

TODAY IS INDEED BETTER!

Sorry about last night, but sometimes pressure just needs to be released. 
Yes today is a brighter day.  The sun is out and well it is warming up...slowly.
Today is one of those disjointed days however.  It is a day that I know will be steeped in celebration of life.  Celebration that on one coast will be full of joy and new beginnings.  A celebration of a new marriage and love that brings with it promises and dreams for a future as a new family unit. Also a celebration on the other side of North America, I say that because it is in Western Canada, that will be full of tears and good byes as a friend buries a loved husband and her children mourn the passing of their father and a family unit is changed forever. This I am sure will also be celebration of the love they all shared. It will be a celebration of the faithful and full, though too short life, of husband and father.  Yes there will be tears but from what I know of this family, though we have never personally met, there will be joy and laughter as they recall memories of that life.
So today is a day of celebration. It is a day to celebrate love and also to embrace loss knowing that God is with us through both.  Both Bryan and Kristen; and Edith and her family will be in my prayers today. 

NO POSTING!

Nope I will not post anything tonight as I started the evening after work feeling rather alone.  Made the mistake of openning a bottle of brandy and watching too much TV, movies and reading too many magazines; and seeing happy couples everywhere.  Not a good combination especially when facing another wedding and watching another couple vowing to love and care for each other till death do them part tomorrow.  See I told you I should not be posting tonight!

On top of it all it's COLD!

Addendum:  Sorry about the above, but sometime I just plain get tired of pretending everything is ok and I am happy!  Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day or at least next week will be.

YEP, IT MIGHT AS WELL BE WINTER

Sigh.....5:30pm and it was pitch dark!  I so am not interested in it being winter.  I think it would be much better if humans could go into hibernation like bears do during the winter.  Think of all the money and resources we would save. 

WINTER IS COMING

The sun has been out which helps warm the air but there are definite signs that winter is coming.  Despite the sun temps have been in the low 50's and at night we are well into the 30's.  We have had frosts and even freezes!  Snow flurries were in the forecast for tonight but I think blessedly they have been removed.  I am so not ready for another winter, but I guess whether or not I want it, it will come.
I haven't been eating particularly well the last month or so. Eating alone is one thing I hate to do.  When I got home for the Arts and Craft Festival which was held at our church today I decided in honor of the cool weather and in trying to entice myself to eat I would make a pot of chili.  It sure smells good, but of course now I have a pot of chili that I used to make for five that now will be eaten over and over since it will only be for one.  Good thing I like it!  Same with the corn bread.  I had hoped by now I would figure out how to cook for one, but it doesn't seem to be happening.  Eating has never been very important to me.  It seems to me it is more important as a social event than one to feed the body.  It's hard to be sociable when alone.  Some can do it I guess, but not me. 
Other than eating it was a good day.  I got to spend it with people in a sociable setting. I also got to make some money and it is incredibly affirming to have people comment on the things I make.  It's nice if they purchase something, but I think it may even be better when they simply affirm what I make as being something they enjoy looking at and its being of value.  I thank God for the talent and skill he has given me and that I have some opportunities to share it with others. 

INTERESTING WORDS

Tomorrow is election day. Around the country we have been inundated  with a war of words.  In light of this I found the opening sentences of today's bible study very interesting.  Once again these are from Let God Love You, by Lloyd Ogilvie.

"There is a new distrust of words, speech making, and theorizing which pervades our time.  Our despair today is expressed in the demise of innocent trust in what people say.  A man's word is no longer sacred. Cynicism, criticism, and complaining pollute the atmosphere. Our nation longs to hope again and yet the diminutive gods in which we have placed our hope in cultures, institutions, and government have fallen from the throne of inerrancy."

What I find interesting in this statement is that it sounds so current.  Yet it was written in 1974!  How sad, over 30 years and the trust in and value of words spoken is no better.  It may be even worse.  Today words are cheap.  At best, at least in the political realm, the only power they seem to have is to tear down and destroy.  

 

Promises made, for the most part, are only made for momentary gain.  In today's climate of  doing what is best for oneself, promises even when made with the best of intentions can easily be just walked away from.  Promises are only words and words have no lasting meaning.  

I am concerned about tomorrows electoral outcome. Not so much as to whether the Democrats, Republicans, or Tea Party candidates win.  What I am worried about is that despite who wins, the war with worthless words and promises will go on and that we as a nation will become so bogged down in worthless rhetoric and name calling that people will continue to lose their jobs, homes, health care, and hope. 

That all said....please do go out and VOTE tomorrow.  It may seem a pointless and futile effort, but we can't give up.  Just remember to vote not on the basis of the words spoken by the candidate, but really think about what direction you would like to see our country move in.  I pray we will move forward and not back.  I pray that somewhere out there is some sanity and some people who still believes that a man's word and promises are sacred, not just vehicles for momentary self gain and profit.

JUST SOME THINGS TO MULL OVER.....AND THINK ON

It certainly seems lately like lots of things to think about are coming up in my devotional readings.  I suspect this is a good thing.  Part of what I do every morning is read a chapter from Lloyd Ogilvie's book Let God Love You.  It is a study of Phillipians.  I think I may actually have mentioned this book in an earlier post.

This mornings reading had several passages that I would like both to offer up for thought to anyone who might actually read them. (Also to record here so I can find them again to think on them myself if I should happen to forget them.) 

• "We can lose any faculty we refuse to use.  The sin against the Holy Spirit is the sin of so often and so consistently refusing God's will that in the end it can not be recognized when it comes even fully displayed."
• "Think of the ways we frustrate God's plan for us.  Consider what the arrogance of trying to live on our own resources does to us and to the people around us. What about our feverish efforts to stuff our lives with so much activity that there is no time left to ask God what he wants us to do?"
• "Obedience to our Lord is the continuous new beginnings of unpredictable new possibilities."

So what do you think?

THINKING.......

If you can forgive the person you were,

accept the person you are, and

believe in the person you will become,

you are headed for joy.  So celebrate your life. 

 

I've been thinking a lot about this quote from my last post. 

The part I get hung up on is "believe in the person you will become"..My fear is that I don't know how to become who I am meant to be.  I have spent so much of my life trying to become the person everyone else thought I should be or want me to be.I wonder if I ever knew who I wanted to be. I've been a daughter, a wife, a mother. I've been a student, a teacher, an accountant and a homemaker.  I don't regret any of those roles in my life, but for the most part the active participation in each of those roles is over.  So who am I going to become from this time forward?  Who will I be in the future?   In my devotional readings and bible studies.  I keep reading that ultimately I should strive to become the person God has created me to be.  Do I have the courage and strength to seek out who that woman is?  Who am I and who will I become?  One thing I need to believe and trust is that God made me and he loves me unconditionally for who I am.  So whoever I am and who ever I become in the future if I trust God and put myself in his hands it has to be good and it has to lead to joy.

BARBARA JOHNSON WISDOM

There were several years that I attended the Women of Faith conference in Philadelphia.  It was a wonderful weekend of praise, worship and inspiration.  It was also was a wonderful weekend with girl friends.  I was never fortunate enough to hear Babara Johnson speak.  She was one of the original group of women who started these conference.  By the time I heard of the gatherings she had already had to drop out of active participation due to health issues.  I have however read several of her books. She is a very humorous writer.  Her life has not been an easy one.  There were many disappointments and tragedies in it, but she never gave up her humor or her her faith in a God who loved her beyond measure.  Probably more important than the humor in her writing is her inspiration.

My devotional reading this morning contained a quote from her.  One that I am placing here so I can come back and find it  when I need a reminder.

If you can forgive the person you were,

accept the person you are, and

believe in the person you will become,

you are headed for joy.  So celebrate your life.

I pray with God's love, help and guidance I am headed for joy!

I'M FREE!!!!!!

I am free.  Finally out of the harness that was keeping me from doing things for myself and was rubbing my underarms raw.  Actually I've been out of it since yesterday.  It truly is a wonderfully freeing thing.  I can now change my clothes and shower at will.  Never will I take those activities for granted again!  Of course as with everything there is a downside.  Not having the support of the harness, things are a bit more painful, but nothing I can't handle.  Hey what's another pain in my life?  I'm just adding them to the list.  I thank God for Aleve during the day and Vicodin at night. 

I even went back to work at McPadnett for 3 hours today and will be at the quilt shop for 4 hours tomorrow.  It's nice to be earning a bit more money once again and it is nice to be back among those work associates.  I went back to doing things at church last week and that was equally nice.  So though healing still has a long way to go I am officially declaring this event of my life closed.  Though I'm not back to full speed and won't be for a while yet there really isn't anything I can't do as long as I am careful.  Well, I would enjoy a nice glass of red wine, but that will have to wait till I get off the Vicodin.  I will use that as incentive. 

So what will the next challenge be?  What ever it is I hope it doesn't come around for a few weeks anyway.  I would like life to settle back to at least a dull roar for a short while anyway.

LONG 2 WEEKS

Its been a long two weeks since I've been here. There has been some progress on the collarbone front, but being the impatient person I am not as much as I would like.  I though there was more but pain took over after too many days of stubbornly thinking I could do more things than I probably should have and I am back in my lazy boy chair keeping things supported and still.  Yes boredom has set in and I am ready to get back to my normal busy hectic life.  Alas that will not happen yet.  So I wait.

I awoke this morning not in a happy contented mood.  It is Friday morning.  I should be at Panara's with my beloved "Bagel Group" of friends gabbing about events of the past week and of course eating bagels and drinking too much coffee. Unfortunately due to weather event of yesterday, way too much rain, my much needed shower and clothes change was put off till later this morning.  I am not fit for public appearances at the moment.  Totally my vanity I realize, but after wearing and sleeping in the same cloths for 5 days...well you get the picture.  Then there was the little matter of waking up and realizing that 4 of my girlfriends would be gathering together for a fun filled weekend in Myrtle Beach and I wouldn't be with them....yes I was having a pity party this morning.  Not a good way to start a day I know.  It was my decision not to go because the length of the drive and risk on yet again over doing, but that doesn't make it a whole lot easier to know that there will be lots of fun and laughter that I will be missing out on.  It was a trip that had been anticipated for months.

Now there was good going on this morning as well.  It was raining so hard last night that I chose not to take the garbage out for pick up. I couldn't put a raincoat on by myself and didn't really feel like sleeping in wet clothes that I couldn't change. It stopped raining some time during the night and I did wake up early enough that I was able to get the garbage out this morning.  So that was a good thing.

Then there were my devotional readings for the morning.  Yes, God can be good with his messages for us and sometimes he even can hit us over the head with the proverbial 2 by 4.  The thought for today in one of my readings is:

Attitude is contagious. Is yours worth catching?

Oops....time for an attitude readjustment.  Then I remembered a thought from the DVD I had been previewing yesterday in preparation for a study I will begin leading Monday morning:

Things could be worse!

So today I will get my thoughts back to an attitude of gratitude and if nothing else be grateful for my lazy boy chair, that I seem to be able to crochet without pain, and a boat lead of ladder yarn that I can crochet into beautiful necklaces. Oh and thanks to a wonderful friend I will get a shower, hair washed and clothes changes so this afternoon I can once again go out in pubic.  Life is good and God is even better!

I CAN DO THINGS!

So, due to a broken collarbone and immobilized arm I can't sew or quilt, but daily I am discovering things I can do.  The most exciting discovery today was that with care and a bit slower than usual I can knit.  I always had assumed I knit left handed.  I think at one time I did, but a few months ago when trying to follow some written and drawn out illustrations on knitting socks left handed I discovered, no, I do not knit left handed I knit right handed.  This means my left hand basically just holds the needle and my right hand does all the work.  YEA!  I gave it a try and it worked.  Like I said the process was slower than usual and it was a tiny bit painful at times if I moved the wrong way or to quickly, but I CAN KNIT!!!!!  Dare I say life is good and God is good?

What am I working on?  Nothing so grand right now as socks.  I'm making dish cloths and maybe I will progress to preemie baby blankets.  Yes life is good!

QUILTING QUOTE

"Quilts have an amazing power to soothe the soul and help us through the rough spots in our lives.  Make time to quilt every day and you'll be richly rewarded.  Always remember that quilting is not just a hobby, it's a lifestyle!" 

~~Liz Schwartz editor of Quilter magazine.

So the question becomes "what does one do when she can't do what brought peace and relaxation during the rough spots in her life???"  Crafting has been my release for stress and sadness this year and now that also is denied me.  At least I can still read magazines and have a large stack to go through.  I will try to be content with dreaming about projects I may get to do in the future.  At least this incapacity is only of a temporary nature.

My mantra right now..........this too shall pass.............................but I also share in the biblical lament.....How long Lord?

SEPTEMBER

I can hardly believe that it is already September. (In fact it has been so now for 5 days.) Another season, summer, is gone.  That means it is now fall.  That means another winter is not far behind.  That means another year will have passed.  I guess this is good.  It means another new beginning is waiting in the wings..  But in reality I don't need to wait till January for a new beginning do I.  I can start today.  I can start fresh each day if I so choose. 

This morning I had a strong sense of watching a new day be born.  I'm not sure why I felt this so strongly this morning. Maybe it is partly because it is September and now fall. The sun suddenly doesn't rise as early as in August. I was up at 6:45 this morning and the moon was out and it was still very dark.  So for the first time in many months I watched a new day be born.  A beginning of a new day.

So what will this new day be.  I know what it will be for some others.  For Jon and Taylor it will be the day they begin their new life together as husband and wife.  For Malory it will be the day she heads off to begin and new job on a new continent.  But what will this new day be for me?  I don't yet know.  According to one of the scriptures I read from today's lectionary though I don't yet know God does.  In fact the reading tells me he knows all my days. Psalm 139: 16.  "In your [God's] book are written all the days that were formed for me.when none of them as yet existed."  What does he know about my future?  If  I could know my future would I truly want to?  I think some things yes, other things probably not.  Its probably better that only God knows and I discover it as it unfolds. So as the world, at least the world here in Austin, TX, wakens I will wait with anticipation to see what today's new beginning will be for me.

Yes, it is a new season.  It is now September. It is now fall.  I will endeavor to make the most of each day as it arrives and if I stumble or fall along the way I pray, with God and the help of family and friends, I can pick myself up and begin again to move forward to the future God has written for me.

Post Script:  Just went and read this mornings  Upper Room devotion.  The last line was: "...no matter where we begin, if we allow God to form us and mold us, we can make a difference in the world for God." 

MORNING!

Ah, the sun is up and well the sky is trying to be blue anyway......and it is a better morning.  Nights can be the worst!  Thanks to Paula for telling me that today would be a better day. I really did need to at least read if not hear someone say that to me.  I am going to do something for me this morning. Going to spend a few hours before work with some quilting buddies. I am so thankful for those who are a support and an encouragement to me right now.  I constantly need a kick in the pants to remind me that God is good!  That he is blessing me over and over even when I have a hard time seeing it.  I need to remember he has a plan even when I have a hard time believing it.  Somewhere in all this and somehow out of all this there will come peace and resolution for me and for others who are hurting.

There is so much pain and hurt in our world.  Does it have to be this way?  I honestly don't know but I do want to believe in the goodness of life. I want to believe people working together for a common good rather than being at odds with each other; distrusting and even worse being uncaring for each other.  Underneath all my issues and problems there is still a bit of a cockeyed optimist.

One of my favorite singers says it best.....enjoy

PLEASE!

Someone please tell me tomorrow will be a better day!  I need to hear that becasue right now things look pretty bleak!  Ah yes, that roller coaster took a plunge tonight.

NOT A GREAT DAY FOR GERMANTOWN!

Well according to the Germantown edition of the Gazette it is not a good time to be in Germantown.....Lets see we have a possible rabid fox living in the sewer just two blocks from here. Also single older women are being raped in a senior citizen apartment complex just up the road.   Ah yes I love living in Germantown. 

I actually think I saw the animal in question last Friday when I was leaving our community around 6:30am for work.  I wasn't sure whether it was a sick fox or a coyote.  It was in the road as I approached the intersection in question and it ran into the storm drain as my car approached,  The scary thing is that on Sunday when I was coming home from the fair clean up there were four preteens or maybe young teens with cell phone cameras hanging around the storm drain as if they were trying to get something to come out so they could take a picture or something. 

So I live with rabid foxes and roaming rapists.....ah yes you got to love life in Germantown a sleepy little suburb of Washington DC....I will go lock my doors and windows now and am glad I don't have a dog which needs to be walked at night!  Thank you Gazette for keeping me informed and allowing me to sleep in peace at night!  

IT'S OVER.....

Yes the 2010 County Fair is over.  It was a good fair for me on many different levels.  The only area that it was not so good was as I said in previous post I had no one to share it with other than one evening with Nate and Lindsay.  I will not focus on that however.  I choose to focus on everything good about it. 

I did much better ribbon wise than I expected.  Only one of my items did not receive a ribbon of any sort.  One quilt only had a Honorable mention, but everything else had a placing ribbon.  Lots of blues which is always nice and affirming of ones work.  I am especially proud of my blue ribbon on one of my quilts (the one that went to Knoxville AQS show) since they had a nationally ranked quilt judge as one of the judges.

Another highlight of the week came Saturday night.  I had a phone message on Friday asking me to come to the Saturday awards ceremony for the Home Arts Building.  I had no idea what I was getting an award for and as the ceremony was winding down I began to think the message was left in error since I hadn't received anything.  I was shocked, surprised and very honored when I was named for the last award given.  The 2010 Homemaker of the Year!!!!  I am now an official "HOTY".  This is the highest award given in the building.  You can only receive it once aver 5 years or so.  It is given to the person who has the most blue ribbons across at least 6 different categories in the Home Arts Building.  My award was a dozen roses and an engraved Swiss Army Style knife. They made sure that it had a pair of scissors, a cork screw and bottle opener on it. They said every homemaker needs at least those three things.  There is so much stuff on it I don't even know what half of them are.  I will need to locate a boy scout and ask for a lesson on every things use.  It's a good thing this is a ribbon based award and not really based on ones home making skills. My house is rather in a state of disaster after a week of the fair.  Also I find it ironic I received this award in the year I no longer have anyone to make a home for.......

The best thing about this years fair though had nothing to do with exhibits or ribbons.  It was the people!  I loved talking with the youth of 4-H. They are amazing kids.  They are a bright light shining toward the future.  Even more important to me though was reconnecting with friends from past fairs.  The support and encouragement they gave me and the support and encouragement I was able to give some of them.  They affirmed me as a woman of worth and value.  Also I made new friends. Traditions like sharing in ice cream lunches and end of fair dinners continues this year.  It was all good! In retrospect I now see that though I didn't have anyone to come home to and share the events of the day with I had a large number of friends to share with each and every day.  It was wonderful to have people say that no matter what happened over the next 12 months they sincerely hoped to see me back at the fair in 2011 because I was a big part of making the week a good week. I truly am blessed.  I hope these memories stay with me to be relived when I am tempted to feel of no worth to anyone or all alone.

So my major summer event is over and now at least in my mind it is time to declare summer over and move on into fall. 

LAST DAY :(

It's the last day of the fair.  I always find this day involves a mix of emotion.

The first emotion is relief and a sense of survival.  Yes it is a fun week, but it is also a brutally tiring week.  The hours spent at the fair are long and then add in hours spent at work and there are an abundance of 18 hour days.  But it is so worth it.  I love working with the 4-Her's.  There are so many wonderful youth in the program and spending time listening to them demonstrate their knowledge on things that they love and watching them proudly display what they have worked on over the course of the year gives me hope that there will be a good future.  I also have loved catching up with friends that I only see during fair week.  Then of course there is the fair food......this year there is the new addition of Greek salads, gyro's and baklava from a new church food both down by the goat barn. Yum!  The Greek salads at dinner help offset the grilled cheese sandwiches and ice cream at lunch.  So far I have avoided the lure of funnel cakes.

The second emotion is a sadness which will descend around 8:00 tonight when I realize that there are only a few hours left to the 2010 County Fair and that I won't see these friends and have the fun times the fair brings for another year.  When the sun goes down and the lights come on the realization that it is almost over begins. This year I think could be especially sad because I  have no idea where I will be or what I might be doing come fair week 2011.  This could be the last year that I am this involved in the fair. 

I've been volunteering with the Montgomery County Fair for over 20 years now.  Wow!  That even amazes me.  I am within reach of  logging in 1000 hours of official volunteer service.  I say official because in actuality I am well over that mark.  The hours I put in being on the Ag Center Board of Directors for three years don't get recorded as official volunteer hours. Not sure why as they are volunteer time but they aren't or at least weren't when I was a board member.  Plus in the first few years volunteering all our family hours got recorded on Jerry's volunteer account.  If I don't officially hit the 1000 hour mark after tomorrows clean up I will only be a couple of hours short.  If that is the case I guess I will need to figure out a way to be here for at least part of the 2011 fair for sure!

Not only am I a volunteer at the fair I am also an exhibitor.  It  has been a good year for me as an exhibitor as well.  I enter items in both the Home Arts and the Arts and Crafts buildings.  I haven't made a formal count of my ribbons but I do know there are numerous blues (1st place), several reds (2nd place) and so on.  I think of the approximately 35 entries I put in only 3 or 4 did not receive a ribbon of some sort. Also I had a phone message yesterday from Home Arts asking me to be at their award ceremony tonight since one of the awards given had my name on it.  I don't have any clue what the award might be, but I guess I will find out at 7 tonight. 

Despite the long hours of this week I have had some time to do a bit of thinking and reflecting.  I now have a better understanding of why it is said to take at least 12 months to recover from a relationship that has ended. I think this is so because you must experience a full year of activities outside the parameters of the lost relationship.  Each holiday, special event, or reoccurring milestone over the course of the first year comes with memories of the past year.  It is natural to experience all over again the feelings of sadness and loss as you remember how it was the previous year.  There it is in your face once again the memory of how things used to be.  The things once shared that now are being done alone. Even if they were imperfectly shared, they were shared now you are doing them totally alone.  It takes going through the whole 12 month cycle to get past these memories.  Not that the memories of the good times, the shared times, will ever go away. After the first 12 month cycle, however, as you go into the next cycle of reoccurring events those memories are buffered by the first year of doing them alone.


So enough introspection for one day.  It is time to get on with the days activities and experiencing the fullness of the last day of the 2010 Montgomery County Fair! 

FAIR TIME!

Yes  once again it is county fair time.  I love the fair.  I don;t exactly know why.  Maybe the colors and the constant activity feed my ADD.  Maybe it is the people and friends I have made at the fair.  They are not obsessed or very impressed by power, prestige and wealth.  They value family and friends.  Maybe it is just that it is a time when I feel connected to creativity and a valuing of handcrafts and cooking.  I really don't know what draws me to the fair, but it is a week I revel in. 

This year there is a bitter sweet aspect to the fair.  There are a lot of people I only see t fair time.  People that know me as part of a family and part of a  couple. When they inquire about the kids I have an answer; other questions I don't have a ready answer for.  This takes a bit of fun out of the fair.  I will not let it ruin this coming week!

It's possible this will be my last fair so I will make the most of it. I have entered my projects.  Yes, I hope they do well in the judging compitition, ut if they don't that;s ok also.  It's just fun having them as part of the fair.  I am still working with 4-H.  I've already put in 8 hours yesterday and Saturday will be the real fun; baked goods!  Oh I remeber the days of a kitchen gone mad preparing 4-H baked goods entries.  At least now when I come home on Saturday night my kitchen will be clean.  I kind of miss the mess of that last minute baking spree though.

Sunday will be the opening of the buildings.  Then I can see how my entries did do.  Then there will be the parade and the cake auction.  I don;t plan to purchase any cakes. They will be well beyond my budget, but it is fun watching the kids proudly carry their blue ribbon cakes around the ring as the bids climb...$100....$200..$500 and sometimes even $1000. 

Next week on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday I will have the privledge of listening to 4-H present demonstrations on topics ranging from crafts and cooking to science and technology.  I always leave with hope that there is a new generation that will safely take us into the future. Values still do exisit in America and there is hope for our future.  It can be found at the Montgomery County Fair and I'm sure at county and state fairs around the country.

Yes it will be a bittersweet week, but it will be a great week.  My only wi sh isthat when I came home at night I had someone to share the events of the day with and that it would be someone that could share in my love and enjoyment of the Montgomery County Fair!

RESPONSIBLE

According to Dictionary.com there are 7 different uses for the adjective RESPONSIBLE. I've been thinking a lot about this word recently.  Why?  Not necessarily for a good reason.  Frankly I'm experiencing moments lately when I am just plain tired of being responsible.  So, of the 7 definitions which is the one that I am struggling with. Its number 4: having the capacity for moral decisions and therefore accountable; capable of  rational thought or action.

I was talking with a friend at church this morning and sharing that I wished I wasn't such a responsible person.  I really wanted to do something totally irrational and irresponsible today, but knew I wouldn't.  Why wouldn't I?  Because I'm too darn responsible and know that as much as I want to do something like get totally wasted (IE: drunk) so I could for a moment forget about my life doing so would not solve anything and would only make me feel even worse afterward.  I think about just packing up and leaving MD (IE: run away), and making a new start and a new life where no one knows what my life used to be.  But how would I support myself?  My jobs are here.  Where would I live?  My house is here. As much as I want to do this I won't. I know at this point I would probably only take my problems with me. Once again I think too responsibly.  I can't even bring myself to run over to AAA and book a cruise to Bermuda or a week at Disney World.  How would I pay for it and I really can't afford to take more time off work.  ACK!!!!!  I really am sick of being responsible........but that's who I am.

As much as I want to can't take actions that I haven't thought through and know that they will have positive consequences all around.  Is this bad?  Are there times in our life where a bit of irresponsibility is well, not being irresponsible?  I honestly don't know.  All I do know is that for the moment I am stuck with continuing to be responsible.  So for now I will have a small snifter of brandy to take the edge off my ragged emotions, I will work on dealing with my life as it now stands here in MD and I will continue to put aside as much money as I  can so when I do go to Bermuda or WDW it will be paid for in advance.

SIX WORD MEMOIRS

I finally got around to reading my July/August issue of my AARP Mgazine.  In it there wasa one page article on Six Word Memoirs.  These short statements on self and life were quite interesting.  The ones in the magazine were themed around Cheating Death. That topic didn't particularly appeal to me, but just for fun I thought I would  come up with my own Six Word Memoir.

All alone. Making peace. New life!

So what would your Six Word Memoir be?  For more information on the Six Word Memoir project do a google search or click on the words Six Word Memoir.

IF YOU COULD SUGGEST

If you could make one suggestion to God on something for him to do what would it be?  Now I know it would be presumptuous to even think we could make suggestions to God on how to improve things.  After all he is God and he knows all, but just humor me.  What would you suggest to him that he might do?  A change he might make in the order of the universe or a natural law he might implement at your suggestion.

I thought a lot about that this morning and here is what I came up with.  I think it would be nice if he decreed that people who have teeny tiny veins could never get diseases that require constant blood tests and treatments that require medicines delivered by a needle stuck into a vein.  This thought first occurred to me Tuesday after being poked in four different places before a vein that would give up the needed amount of blood for tests was found.  I contemplated the thought again in the evening as I gazed on the two inch bruise on my lower arm from one of the fruitless pokes.  I can't seem to get my doctor to give me a pass on blood work every three months due her wanting to know if my liver is still working despite the nasty meds I'm on so I can move.  I guess I can see her point.  I do want to move pain free, but if I do so and my liver fails well whats the point?????

This morning I really began to focus in on the suggestion I would like to make to God.  It was time for my Remicaid treatment.  The main med I take to keep me moving.  It truly is a wonder drug!  It is a treatment many folks take for RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis).  I hate to think what my life would be like without this drug. Actually I do know, because before I went onto the drug I was there.  I could not even get out of a chair without excruciating pain.  I went into the treatment room positive I had done everything I could do to make the treatment go smoothly.  I drank lots of water yesterday to "plump up" my veins.  I shook my arms the whole time I waited for the nurse to come get me to get the blood moving.  (Good thing the waiting room was empty or people would have thought I had a really strange tick of some sort.) I had prayed that things go well and for the nurse to be skilled at getting me hooked up to my meds.  I felt relaxed, well as relaxed as I ever am after driving in rush hour traffic on I-270 and when I know I am facing a two hour stint hooked up to a IV bag with a needle in my arm or hand.

Alas all my prep work did not work......after three unsuccessful attempts at finding a "good" vein the nurse said he couldn't keep trying without asking my permission.  Of course I gave it to him.  I badly wanted and needed my meds.  Already I was finding it harder to get out of bed in the mornings and my hands were showing signs of premed pain.  After three more unsuccessful attempts both he and I were struggling to not dissolve into tears.  He kept apologizing for hurting me and I kept telling him it was not his fault it was my crummy veins.  I told him I trusted him and as long as he felt there was a hope of finding a good vein he could keep going.  At least it wasn't like he was just jabbing me over and over.  Between pretty much each attempt we had to stop and rest for 5 to 10 minutes for my blood pressure to come up to the point where I wasn't going to faint.  (Normally I like having low blood pressure but in this instance it is not a good thing.) I felt so bad for him because he was feeling so bad about not being able to get a good vein.  I think he was hurting as much as I was.  Anyway just as he was going to give up and suggest that maybe I just wouldn't get my med fix today and on the 8th attempt he found a vein.  YEA!  I got my meds which I am very grateful for.

So back to my suggestion to God.  I really think it would be nice is he were to set up a cosmic rule, or a natural law or what ever you want to call it that states:  A person may have teeny tiny bad veins or they may have a disease which requires constant blood tests and medication given intravenously, but they can not have both!  If this law existed at least two people would have had a much nicer day today!

COMPUTERS AGAIN!!!!

Have I mentioned recently that I am developing a severe hate of computers and technology????
I thought so!  $)%*%*@%&)$^%)&^)P*

Internet is back up at church so I could move to do bookkeeping back there again, but am nervous about doing so at this point, but my laptop is starting to do weird things that are making me real nervous about it's reliability.  So being a good computer person tonight I decide it would be a good thing to do a back up of all my files....well one of the weird things it has decided to do is not recognize my external hard drive in the back up program.....yet if I go to My Computer it shows that my laptop knows the external drive is connected to it......what to do???  I haven't a clue!!!!!

I guess I'll just pray! Is God a computer geek????  He is all I have at this point.

Now that I have totally worked myself into a lather I will go and try to get a good nights sleep!  HaHa!!!!

MOVING

Seems like every time I get on Facebook or open my e-mail I read about someone moving.  So many people are on moving on. They are setting up homes in a new locations.  Most are due to retirement.  Some are due to job changes. One even just desided it was time to get out of this area and try for a better life elsewhere since things just were not good here. 

Mary and Wayne moved to FL and Pam and Allen hope to follow suit by the end of the year.  Cathy just emailed that she found, put a contract on and had the contract accepted on a new home in TX all in one weeks time.  Chuck and Miki are just picking up and heading to Charleston with the kids....no jobs and no home await them....that's how bad things can get here.  Nancy gave up life in Potomac and headed to Bethany Beach and I don't mean just for the summer.  And this doesn't even count those friends that already have moved with-in the past year.  Yes there is a part of me that is envious of them.  For what ever reason they have determined it was time for a new start; a new beginning to a new chapter in their lives.  I'm not sure which I am more envious of them for.  The excitement that comes with new beginnings or the courage to take the steps needed to create a new beginning. 

BETA

No I am not starting some sort of test before having something new go live.  BETA Crew is a fledgling non-profit organization started by a wonderful group of three young adults; two of whom I have the privilege of knowing.  BETA stands for Bring End To Alzheimer. 

Friday evening I drove with a friend over to Ellicott City for a fund raiser for BETA.  It was a wonderful evening.  It was held above a pub called Phoenix Emporium and there was live entertainment and this entertainment was a thrill as well.

All three co-founders are young adults. I have known Leslie, one of the three and the President of the organization since......well shall I just say she was barely "knee high to a grasshopper".  She and my daughter attended preschool together. I can't say enough good about Leslie.  I am so glad that we have been able to re-establish a friendship on a new adult level.  (Now if I could just get her to stop calling me Mrs. Brown and use Suzanne.)  Leslie has a heart for helping people.  I truely am proud to know her.

I would try and explain more about BETA Crew and their mission, but I think they can do a better job of that themselves so if you are interested there is a link at the top of this post and also if you click on their Logo to the left you will be taken to the BETA Crew we site.

Remember, my saying the entertainment for the evening was a thrill as well.  That's becasue it was provided by Alexandra Day.   Alex was a childhood friend of my oldest son.  She is an incredibly talented singer and keyboard player.  Much of what she played were her original songs.

I hope to find ways to participate with BETA Crew.  I do have a t-shirt, but as many of their activities will be revolving around athletic activities I think I will take a supporting role.  I don't think that 60 is the time to begin running marathons or going on whitewater rafting trips.  So I am working on spreading the word about them. Speaking of marathons.  The three of them are running the Chicago Marathon in October.  I told Leslie it was too bad I didn't have some spare travel money lying around or I would head up to Chicago an cheer them on since I also have a brother-in-law who will be running there and it would be great to see him as well.  But I will be content with cheering them all on from my computer and the internet!