60????????

A self portrait at 60.
I sure don't feel 60. Where did all the years go???
I remember when I thought 60 was sooooo old. I remember when I thought 60 was a life time ago. I remember when I thought 60 would be the gateway to the wonderful Golden Years.......
All those remembrances have been proven false. 60, I guess it's just a number. I guess the truth is 60 is what you choose to make of it. Or....like Stephanie put on my birthday cake...it's just 30x2. Come to think of it my 30th birthday was a pretty crummy one. I guess I'll stick with 60 and just hope and pray for the best. As for now, I'll just head into work and it will be just another day like any other.

FALLING APART

Tonight my favorite cutting board totally fell apart. Now that may not seem like a big deal, but it was. In fact, it was a gigantic deal.....one of those things that suddenly takes on immense importance and becomes the proverbial "straw that broke the camels back". That well loved and well used cutting board sitting on the kitchen counter in two pieces with one piece still in my hand became my life. I wanted to crumble to the floor in tears. Unfortunately I was in the middle of browning sausage and cutting bread for egg and sausage casserole and making caramel topping for caramel rolls so I didn't have that luxury and simple stirred, cut and buttered with the tears and sobs. I am tired of my marriage falling apart, I'm tired of my house falling apart, I'm tired of my sewing machine falling apart and I'm tired of my cutting board being in three pieces when I needed it. I'm just tired.

What scares me the most is that right now I'm tired of believing that God has a plan for my life, I'm tired of believing that my life will be better, I'm tired of looking for the good in all the falling apart around me. I'm tired of being strong when I just want to love and be loved. I want to turn back the clock or I want to turn it forward, but I don't want to be here now all alone in a quiet house making family favorites for a family that's fallen apart and though it exists its in pieces like my cutting board.

IT'S SPRING!!!

Yea, winter is officially over! Spring always brings with it new beginnings and hope. The grass is now green rather than brown, the birds are singing in the morning greeting each new day now, and the sun gives the air a warmth that just plain makes me smile! God is good!

I spent three days this week with a friend at Ocean City, MD and the beach. I love the beach. The sounds and smell of the ocean also make me smile. The smile they produce is in my soul rather than on my face. The sound of the ocean waves rolling and crashing onto the beach fills me with awe. Each wave holds power and a strength that appears to ebb and flows back out to sea only to return once again full of power. It never stops. The ocean waves do not take a break and cease coming onto the shore. Day and night they continue to roll ashore; coming in and going back out and coming in again. I never tire of watching the ocean waves or of listening to them. I can never look at them and not be reminded of the love of God. It never ceases just as the waves never cease and there is power in his love.

That reminds me of a verse in the song, The Power of His Love it says:

Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds my life
In living every day
By the power of Your love.

That is my prayer as we move into spring and the new beginning that it brings. I pray that the Lord will renew my mind and that as his will unfolds in my life I will have the courage and strength to live in it every day resting and relying on the power of his love!

Momma Said There'll Be Days Like This!

Anyone remember the Shirelles? Well I guess unless you are a child of the 60's you probably don't....they had a song called Momma Said so I may have to introduce them to you or reintroduce them to forgetful children of the 60's.



Lyrics | Shirelles - Mama Said lyrics

Well I've had one of those days today......it began with eye's popping wide open at 3:30 this morning! Not a good thing on the morning where one already lost an hour due to start of daylight savings! Little sleep does not do well for my ability to keep emotions in check....not a good thing on a Sunday morning! Then it's been raining and dreary since Friday....does great things for those emotions already out of control due to lack of sleep! I think you get the idea.

Anyway the day is now over. I survived and did actually get a few things accomplished as the afternoon wore on. I should be in bed trying to catch up on the missed sleep, but mind is still going a mile a minute and till it slows down to a crawl there will still be little sleep. So I listen to music from the 60's and reintroduce myself to the less complicated days of my youth. Similarly this is a pretty uncomplicated little musical ditty as it seems was much of the music of the early 60's.......ah, but the memories.......at least some of them bring a smile to my face which is very very welcome.

Luckily tomorrow will be a new day. The good news is that by Tuesday the sun should be out once again and the temps on the rise as well. Always there is something to look forward to....even on days like this!

QUOTE FOR TODAY!

This quote comes with a question first? Who do you think might have said this????

"Learning how to live is much more important than learning how to make a living."

So who do you think might be the person who said this?

I was quite surprised when I found out. I am making a living or at least trying to, but more importantly I am at almost 60 still learning how to live. I'm learning how to make choices that give me a full, happy, contented and still productive life. I am learning productive means more than just more $'s in the bank, though that is nice. This is a hard lesson. Life in America is $ driven: More money to buy more things. More money to do things. More money to hoard away for a planned future that, I have learned, is not assured. More money for protection and security when God is really our only true protection and security.

More money, more money, more money..........in America it seems there is never enough money we always need more money. That is what I think comes when one focuses on the need for making a living rather than the need to learn how to live. Yes I fell into this trap make a living first, learn to live later after you have made it. I don't think I was always that way however. I think I used to know how to live, what was truly important to me. That it was only in the last 10 years or so that I forgot and the focus gradually changed. I need to relearn how to live......

I doubt the person who said this is really saying money is not good or that making a living is not important....when you find out who said it I'm pretty sure you will agree with that thought. I think he is saying when we have learned how to live. When we have learned what is important to us the learning of how to make that living a reality will come easier.

I need to relearn how to live. I need to learn how to live a life that is full, happy, contented and productive. How to live a life that of service and help to others. I need to figure out what is important to me. If I can't do that, if I haven't learned how to live, the making of a living is just a meaningless exercise in using up or hoarding $'s.

So who said the above quote.....one of the richest men in the world.....Warren Buffett. A man who through his life and use the of his $'s has shown not only does he know how to make a living, but he truly does know how to live!

I LOVE BARBRA

Barbra Streisand that is....what a tremendous singer. She truly puts her whole heart and soul into her songs be they show tunes, love songs, or laments. I've been listening to several of her CD's as I quilt this morning and one intro she gave before a song made me stop and just listen. In fact, I had not only to stop my quilting to start the track over and listen, but to come here to write. I couldn't quilt through tears anyway so needed to take a break.

The CD is Streisand:Live in Concert 2006. the song and dialogue are tracks 12 and 13. Leonard Bernstein's Somewhere. She introduced the song reminding the audience that it is a song from West Side Story which was set in the 1950's but is based on Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Hate she stated unfortunately transcends time. She also stated though that "Hate accomplishes nothing". That she hoped that she would live to see a world where we could learn to live together. Then just before singing she quoted Archbishop Desmond Tutu. "God created us different to know our need for one another." That got me....then listening to the song I just fell apart.

Why can't we humans just get along???? Why can't we hear and embrace the truth in Desmond Tutu's words? They resonate on so many different levels. Are we so blinded to our own needs that we have forgotten others and their needs. That we have forgotten the art of give and take; forgotten how to work together, how at times to even celebrate our differences seeing that rather than dividing us or pitting us against each other they provide us the opportunity to become whole.

No one person, one culture, one religion or one anything has all the answers. We must learn to work together. We must learn to fill in our weaknesses with another's strengths. This I think is what God wants for his creation! Now for the song:

Somewhere
There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

There's a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day!

Somewhere.
We'll find a new way of living,
We'll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .

There's a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we're halfway there.
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow,
Some day,
Somewhere!

ASH WEDNESDAY

Today is Ash Wednesday. Just what is Ash Wednesday? Well:

• It is the beginning of Lent, which always falls on the seventh Wednesday be fore Easter.
• It is 46 days long. Sundays are not counted as days of Lent so there are actually 40 days of Lent.
• It is celebrated by the Western Church.
• Many churches hold Ash Wednesday services where as part of the service ashes, in the shape of the cross, are placed on the foreheads of the attendees.

It's interesting in my searching on the meaning of Ash Wednesday I discovered some religions believe that act of placing the ashes on the forehead is to remind one of death and of the sorrow he/she should feel for their sins, and of the necessity of changing his/her life. Another said it is a sign of repentance. I think there is a subtle but important difference in these two views. The first to me is a negative way of thinking. Almost an attitude of defeat and failure. Something which looks more to the possible wrath and judgment of God. The second is more hopeful. An attitude of humility and confession. It looks to God's promise of forgiveness and love. I choose the second view point.

• Ash Wednesday celebrations are thought to have been first mentioned in the 8th century. One of the first mentions of it's practice is found in the writing so an Anlgo-Saxon abbot Aelfric (955-1020).
• Though Ash Wednesday as a practice is never mentioned in the Bible, the use of ashes in a ritual of repentance is mentioned. The most well know instances of it are found in Job and in Jonah. Jesus makes mention of it in Matthew 11:21.
• As the ashes are placed on the forehead the minister or priest often will say something similar to "remember you are but dust, and to dust you shall return." These words can also be found in the bible Ecclesiastes 3:20.

So yes, I will attend our churches' Ash Wednesday service tonight. I will take part in the imposition of ashes. I will confess my sins before God and then also I will celebrate with those others present the Eucharist, Holy Communion. In this celebration I will remember the love God has for us all. A love so deep that he sent his only son, Jesus, to bear the sins of the world. To bear the sins of my confession. He did so that I might be forgiven and be made right with him and that I can be in fellowship with him. This is the Good News!

BACK TO NORMAL????

Well though I am not totally sure what my normal is anymore whatever it is life seems to be getting back to it. I'm even getting visitors again.........

This little guy has been visiting my backdoor for quite some time now. My neighbor feeds the squirrels peanuts and I think that he, the squirrel, gets my back door confused with Barb and Jerry's. Before the snow he would regularly come up onto the back steps and beg at the back door. Silly guy, but definitely a persistent one.

After the snow began to fall he didn't come around. Not that I blamed him for this....it was rather nasty out. But his morning he was back and now he has a nice little snow drift turned block of ice to set on while he begs. It brings him up a bit higher so it's easier for him to be seen. It keep trying to tell him he has the wrong house, but he is determined to make friends with me in hopes of gaining some food. I do wonder with all the snow on the ground what he is eating....I hope that he was smart enough to lay aside a good store of nuts last fall.......

I'm kind of glad he is persistent though. It's nice to have someone to talk to in the morning. It would be even nicer to have someone who would talk back so there would be some two way conversation, but I guess I will have to be happy and grateful for the company I have.

VALENTINE'S DAY AND CHINESE NEW YEAR

So today is both Valentine's Day and the Chinese New Year. I think I will go with celebrating the Chinese New Year and the beginning of the year of the Tiger. I am a Tiger........

What does it mean to be a Tiger? I did a little internet research this morning looking for something positive to come out of the new year, be it the Chinese one or simply 2010....from Wikipiedia....

"The third trine consists of the Tiger, Horse, and Dog. These three signs seek a true lover, and are like-minded in their pursuit of humanitarian causes. Each is a gifted orator and excels at verbal communication. Relationships and personal contact are of highest priority and each one seeks their intimate soul mate. Idealistic and impulsive, the Tiger, Horse and Dog follow the beat of their own drummer. Defiant against injustice, these three signs wilt without large amounts of physical affection and loyal support for causes. They are productive, enthusiastic, independent, engaging, dynamic and honorable. They can also be rash, rebellious, quarrelsome, hot-headed, reckless, anxious, moody, disagreeable, and stubborn. Although these three signs are loyal, they can be very protective when lied to. The three signs do not enjoy being told what to do, but will listen when it is a person they love or trust whole-kindheartedly."

From another site among other things it said....Tiger people cannot make up their minds which can lead to poor hastily made decisions or well thought out decisions made too late. Sadly this sounds pretty right on.....one a bit more positive side is also said they were highly sensitive people, given to deep thinking and capable of great sympathy. I need to work on the deep thinking...I think over the years I have pretty much shut off the deep thinking for a variety of reasons or if I am doing deep thinking I don't let myself consciously register my thoughts.

Finally from a third area I got this advice on who I might be...It seems Tigers are rebels and the can be unpredictable. They love life and love being the center of attention,,,,hmmmm....They speak their minds when upset by something. I am learning to do that better. For many years I have not wanted to rock the boat. Not good! They are supposedly sincere, generous and affectionate. I know I want to be generous, but that has pretty much been stifled. I will work on that. I found this very interesting....Tigers when injured or hurting desire all out sympathy. They want to be comforted. Logic does not appeal to them. They will sincerely listen to advice given and then do what they want. They have spunk and not much keeps them down for long. "No matter how down and out they are, they will never give up. They can always start all over again." I could use a bit more of that spunk this year! Finally this site said Tigers are optimists! I've always felt that deep down I Am an optimist. I have my pessimistic moments some lasting longer than others, but for the most part I will bounce back. Just give me time.

So if one believes in zodiacs Chinese or Astrological this look into the Tiger might give me a glimpse into who I am and what I shouldn't be fighting in my basic personality. Some good stuff some not so good, but there is a lot of me I see here and some of what I see I have tried to disavow or simply ignore.

The year of the Tiger or maybe just 2010 may be the year to learn to be true to myself and who I am.

QUOTE FOR TODAY!

"Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act."
Dr. George Crane

How shall I act? What do I want to be? Contented.....happy.....thin.....successful....responsible....healthy....faithful....loved.
There are so many things to choose from. There is also the basic question lurking at the back of my mind. Is this statement even true? Maybe that is the place to start: Just living as if it is.

SHE DID!

I did venture out yesterday.....it was a rather interesting and at time scary operation. The interesting factor was seeing just how bad things were beyond my little world. There are many trees down all along the way. Fortunately none blocked any of the roads I was on, but a few were hanging over the road and I had to drive under them hoping they would not continue their fall while I was under them; they didn't! That was one of the scary times the others were from the multiple locations I had to make a turn blindly. My car is so small and low to the ground that there were many corners where I simply had to ease my way out hoping, praying and trusting that if there was traffic coming down the road they would see me and either stop or move into another lane.

For these reasons I have decided it will be a while before I venture out again.....and today we have received another 9 inches here in Germantown and though the snow is at the moment slowing down a bit we are under a blizzard warning until tonight. Winds are forecast to gust up to 50 miles per hour.

The heroes of the week are all the snowplow operators who have been out on the roads almost nonstop since last Friday. They may be getting a bit of a break according to the news. Not for a good reason though the conditions have gotten so bad with white out conditions that some jurisdictions are pulling the plows to the side of the road for safety reasons.

And so in the immortal words of one of our past ministers at our church...."And the beat goes on!"

WILL SHE OR WON'T SHE???

Me being the she.....the question of the day is shall I venture out to make sure life exists and still goes on outside of my little cul de sac or shall I just stay home and continue on in my own little world????? I'm a little worried about being able to see around corners with my sweet little Saturn who I am now convinced is a Southern Belle. She is very happy and snug in the garage. Hasn't even given me a hintthat she wants to go out in this stuff. I think I may just have convinsed my self to stay at home. Maybe I will venture out on foot to see what the views are in the neighborhood at least. Well see....right now it;s a blamy 23 degrees out. Brrrr.......

AN ANGEL, FREEDOM & BEAUTY!

Angels come in all shapes and sizes and sometime totally unexpected, but thankfully they do come. My angel today came in the form of a neighbor with a snow blower. After the December snowstorm Jack a neighbor to my right and across the street helped me out. Jack I guess wore himself and his snow blower out yesterday on his driveway and the one next to him and directly across the street. Actually he probably ran out of gas. That was a lot of snow blowing he did. Anyway I had given up on getting out from under all this stuff when the wife of my neighbors to the left showed up in my front porch....I guess clearing it yesterday paid off. She let me know that her husband would be over as soon as he has his snow blower started to at least clear away the snow the plow had piled up.

While waiting for him I donned my snow wear and headed out to clean out away from the ends of the down spouts......that was a chore in and off itself. Trudging through thigh deep snow with a snow shovel and garden spade is not something I care to do on a daily basis.. but I did it. My down spouts are clear and I even dug out the window well I could reach. ME WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!

It took about another hour, but at the end of it I have a totally clear driveway......I am FREE! Not that I plan on going anywhere soon. I figure Tuesday morning will be soon enough. Just the knowledge though that I am not trapped is a wonderful feeling. Thank God for neighbors who care! This is a great neighborhood. The house and driveway is situated so that now the sun has done it;s thing and I have a totally dry driveway!

The sun is out in full force today. It is still below freezing so not much melting other than black surfaces is happening, but with the bright blue sky and the bright white snow it is blindingly beautiful out! The world is a wonderfull place and for now it is still winter, but spring will come and this year the followers will be especially beautiful!!!!! Only 6 more weeks to go!

Of course who knows what Tuesday night might bring!

This is the result of about an hour and a half of shoveling.....obviously I did not get very far and I don't think I will be getting any farther; back says no more and I am just realizing my hands are not wanting to bend at the fingers without a rather large ache that I haven't felt in some time.

I did notice an interesting phenomena while I was shoveling the driveway. I was transported to the glaciers of Alaska. The sun was starting to come out and as it was shining on the top of the snow where I had walk earlier and by the edge of where I had just shoveled the snow was the blue of the glaciers.....now that is a lot of snow!

48 HOURS LATER!

What a difference 48 hours can make.......this may not look like much, but I had to wade out through mid-thigh deep snow in the driveway to get this picture......It is about 28 inches of snow. I think things are starting to wind down. There is still a bit coming down but not much. The big thing now is that they are saying as the temperatures drop the winds will pick up. This will not be good for the trees. The pines are pretty much bent parallel to the ground and branches on the other trees are loaded and some are literally weighted down to touch the snow piled on the ground.

This is looking out my front door.

Temps are going down to about 13 tonight they say. That will pretty much freeze everything solid.....I think I am down for the count at this point. I just don;t have it in me to shovel. One of our local weather men did some research on the weight of wet heavy snow....which did this and I figure I would have at least a ton of snow to move before I could go anywhere. Nope this old lady is not doing that....I will just stay home till it melts or spring which ever might come first.....

BRING IT ON!

Bring on the snow. I am ready!!!!!!!

Winter is not done with the Mid Atlantic yet....from what they say we have possibly another 2 feet of snow on the way. The minimum amount they are talking is 18 inches.....ENOUGH ALREADY! I just had someone tell me that they read we have had 380% of normal snowfall for a Washington DC winter already. But as I said I am ready!

Despite the cold this afternoon after I got off work I donned my sweats and headed out to the garage. It was totally disorganized. Assorted bags of mulch, sand, peat and fertilizers were all over the place. A ladder, wheel barrow full of knocked down packing boxes and a lawnmower sat in the middle of the floor surrounded by hoses and outdoor electrical cords; plus bubble wrap, cardboard boxes and the paper recycling bin. It took about an hour and more muscle than I thought I had, but I managed to tame everything into submission and found places for it all. I'm sure I will feel muscles in the morning that I don't remember having. It will be worth is though when the snow arrives and my car has a nice spot in the garage where the snow will not reach it.
The secondary benefit will be it should be much easier to shovel the driveway when this is all done. Though come to think of it there will be much more to shovel without the car blocking a good part of it from snow fall. Oh well I guess there is a downside to everything.

Maybe I just won't leave home till spring......OR....maybe since I fit my car into the garage to be ready for the snow it will not happen!

BECOMING AND BEING

My business is not to remake myself,
But make the absolute best of what God made.

~~Robert Browning

Now to discover what God made. This is my journey. I have been buried under "should be" for far to long. Just who is this person named Suzanne?

WHITE AGAIN!

Everything outside my window this morning is white as snow....well that is because everything out side is covered in snow once again. This is the winter that just keeps on giving. This is a visual image though that reminds me of God's forgiveness. We are told in Isaiah 1:11 "...though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be like snow..." God forgives. Over and over God forgives.

Roberta Porter affirmed this for me this morning in my morning devotion. In a meditation from Alive Now, a wonderful little magazine from The Upper Room, she said, "In our failures, in our busy forgetting, we are forgiven, renewed to continue to be the hands and feet of Christ--no small task no small gift."

I need forgiveness daily. I am human! I have faults, and I will never be perfect no matter how hard I try. I need forgiveness. I thank God that he is so willing to forgive. I thank God that I can live in confidence knowing he, if no one else will never give up on me. With that knowledge of forgiveness comes a sense of a need to gratefully respond to it. I also need to give forgiveness. Not to God of course. I need to be willing to forgive those who hurt me; to those who hurt my loved ones and yes I need to be able to forgive myself. Being willing and able to forgive others is one way I can "be the hands and feet of Christ".

THANK YOU ROBERT FROST

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:
It goes on.

~~Robert Frost

WHAT I DISCOVERED

I'm not sure this is a good thing to discover, but in looking for a Mother of the Groom dress today I discovered I can be beautiful! Shopping for clothing has always been an incredibly depressing experience for me. Nothing fit! Everything I tried on was too short, too small, too big or really dowdy looking on me. I developed a real hate of my body and the way I looked. It was all wrong...well unfortunately today I discovered I was just looking in all the wrong places. The joke is on me. I was created with the body of a wealthy woman not an ordinary woman.

Because a wedding is a special day I needed a special dress, but don't have much money to find it with. First stop David's Bridal....the low cost bridal shop. It was a disaster.....everything looked horrid on my body. Of course I was not surprised because everything always looks horrid and fits terribly. I left there in despair....fortunately a good friend had told me don't ignore high end stores like Lord 'n Taylor and Nordstrom, they may have some good sales. So I persevered. I needed a dress and I didn't want to look like a 60 year old frump....and I need some affirmation for myself at this point of my life with all that is going on. GUESS WHAT!!! $300 dresses look absolutely wonderful on me. I felt like a fairy princess well maybe not a princess, too old for that, but I felt like a beautiful woman! It is wrong to feel beautiful???? I hope not because it felt wonderful!

The best thing is that all the dresses I found were on sale. None were over $170 which is way more than I would normally consider spending on a dress or what I can proably afford to spend on a dress but I had set $200 as my limit beyond which I would not even consider no matter how good it looked. So now I will get together with Lindsay and find out which she likes the best and I think I have myself a dress, and no matter what anyone else thinks I will feel beautiful or at least attractive. I hope that does not make me vain. I think it mainly just makes me a woman.