WHAT A WEEK!

First a earthquake that literally rocked my world and now a hurricane that brings us in MoCo tropical storm winds and rains.....bring it on Irene.  I'm ready for you I've been through worse!

READING ALOT!

Yes, I am, reading a lot these days.  I don't sleep so might as well read and then that puts me to sleep for an hour or two then I wake again and read again and repeat the cycle.  I'm also trying to read books I don't really want to move but do want to read.  Most of them hav e been on my shelf for way to long. I just finished a book that I remember years ago that someone , I think it was Stephanie, told me was really bizarre.  It's Our Lady of the Lost and Found by Diane Schoemperlen.  It's a bout a visit by the Virgin Mary to a writer, and yes it was rather bizarre.  Not so much for the story, but more how it was written.  However, as is usual when I read lately I found a quote in it that I don't want to lose.  So here it is.

"....the hardest person in the world to forgive is yourself.  And..the hardest person in the world to have faith in is also yourself.  I am still trying to reconcile who I am now with who I was then.  I know my former self is still there, waving to me through time just like a phantom limb.  I am still trying to figure out how I am both am and am not the person I was then, the person I appear to be now, the person that I think I am; how I both am and am not the person that I will eventually become.  If who I am now is the "real" me, than who was the person I used to be; an impostor, a fugitive in disguise, the out -of-focus shadow of my future self?  If who I am now is the :real" me, than who is the person I will be twenty or thirty years from now?"

Yep?  Just who was I, who am I and who will I become?????

BROKEN LIFE????

Well as the days progress more things in my life continue to break down...two weeks ago health broke down and shingles broke out....last week car broke down.....this week wireless system in the house seems to be dead.  Ah that is life.  The good news is the the shingles have receded....car is fixed, of course at a major cost,...I do have a wire that I can use to still get on the Internet AND soon everything will be or will have broken and there will be nothing left to break down.  Fortunately at the moment my sense of humor is still in tact and I will just take things one moment at a time......and look toward what I hope will be a "fixed up" future. 

I found this on a friends FaceBook status this morning.  She had read it on one of her friends FB pages.  I needed to keep it somewhere safe to be able to read on a regular basis; at least for the next few months or so.  At least till life settles down for me which it has to do sometime......well it better sometime! So of course for me there is no better place to keep things but here.  So here it is:

"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

Thank you Melissa for reposting this from your friend.  This morning it seemed to be a message meant for me!

HOT! HOT! HOT!!!!!!!!

Yep the heat has moved east......today got up to 100+.  Tomorrow is to be hotter and the humidity is well lets just say tonight you if could wring out the air you could get lots of water out of it. From my drive down the interstate this morning to get to a Doctor's visit my unscientific observation is that as the temps go up it seems drivers speed goes up as well.  I was driving along in the far right lane minding my own business when suddenly I thought geez I must be too relaxed and impeding traffic by going slower than I thought.  The cars in the three lanes to the left of me were whizzing by leaving me in the dust.  Quickly I checked my speedometer....I was doing almost 10 miles over the speed limit!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So glad I was on the road this morning and not at the height of the heat!  Funny thing is.  I wanted to stay on my car as long as possible.  No need to be in a hurry to get anywhere.  The A/C in the car is much colder than that in my house!

MEDITATION I NEED TO PRACTICE

This morning as is my usual practice I went to my e-mail and first read the Upper Room Reflection for the day.  Often this short devotion seems aimed directly at me and my needs.  Today was a case of this.  The devotion reminded me of a bible verse I have posted on my refrigerator and that I have been trying to live by since 1998 when I began to work of our church and things where in a struggle there.  I began praying it and claiming in as a verse for the church.  Over time I claimed it as my own.  The verse is Jeremiah 29:11.  It is highlighted in my bible. Probably I have written about in in past posts on this BLOG.

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope."

This is where my refrigerator magnet ends.  But as I read it today I realize that I need to go on to verse 12-14.

"Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you.  When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord,  and I will restore your fortunes and gather you up from all the nations, and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you in exile."

Jeremiah is speaking in these verses to the Israelite people who have been taken out of Jerusalem and into captivity by the Babylonians I believe,  He is giving them hope that they have not been abandoned by their God.  That God indeed does have a plan for them and it is a plan for their good.  Jeremiah is also calling the people back to God.  Calling them to turn to God and seek him.  I believe God does no less for his people today.  That he does no less for me.  The Israelite people felt abandoned by their God.  Yes, I at times also feel abandoned.  Yet God does not; he can not abandon his people or me.  I need to remember this no matter how dark my nights get.  I need to remember Jeremiah 29:11 it daily.  I need to not just walk by as it sits on my refrigerator.

Ah....but what does all this have to do with the title of this post. Not really anything.  My ADD kicked in and I got sidetracked from where I began.  At the bottom of the daily reflections devotion are a series of weekly suggestions for other helps in daily living with faith and God.  Among the helps this week was a link to an article on Meditation for Distress, Disease or Pain by Robert Corin Morris. Having a lot of all three of these things in my life at the moment it caught my attention.  I read it thought maybe this is something that could help me get through the coming days and months.  I don't want to forget where it is so the best place to put it is here.  The title of the BLOG post has a link to the article as does it's mention here.  So hopefully I will remember it is here when I need it!

WHAT WILL THEY DO?

Our President and congressional leaders are meting tonight.  What will they do?  I feel they are playing a major game of  "chicken" with my life and my future and that of many Americans.  This really scares me and really ticks me off.  Yes, I agree America need to comes to grips with their spending beyond their means.  However why must it always be the little and middle folks that have to bear the brunt of the cuts and financial down turn.  What exempts the wealthy from sharing in the solution?  I am by no means part of the lowest class of America, but neither am I wealthy.  I am just an average American who is scared to death that all I have strived and saved for is going to go up in a puff of political smoke.  Members of  congress should live no better, have no better or sure health insurance or retirement than the people they supposedly  represent.  Notice I said represent not the people who have the influence or funds to buy them their position in congress.  Am I bitter...maybe...am I terrified for the future of the average American....YOU BET!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!

It's the 4th of July; America's birthday.  It's a day where Americans join together to celebrate the freedoms that we enjoy in this country.  It's a day of family, friends, picnics, and fireworks.  I hope it has been a special day for you.  Right now I'm watching A Capitol Fourth on PBS.  It certainly looks as if the people downtown on the mall are having a wonderful time.  The heat and humidity doesn't seem to be bothering anyone.  Soon it will be time for the DC fireworks.  I remember the fun times we had as a family down on the mall exclaiming over their beauty. We only went two or three times but that was enough to create memories that will last.  Then there were the times watching the fireworks sitting on the hood of the car at Lakeforest Mall.  Yes it was a good life
Maybe next year I will find someone to share the enjoyment of fireworks with. They just aren't the same solo.  Somethings are meant to be shared.  Actually I've discovered most things in life are meant to be shared.  At least that's my experience these past 18 months.
Ah it's time for the 1812 Overture  

A NEW QUOTE FOUND

I think we all know how much I love finding quotes that I want to remember. The best place I know to put them is here on my BLOG.  I tag them as a quote so when I want to review the quotes that have meant something to me over the months and years of writing I can find them again.  This morning I read a quote that definitely is one I need to remember and review often.

"Let go of what you THINK life should be so you can experience the life you have."

~~Rhonda Britten.

This needs to be my mantra chanted every morning when I wake up!   I spend way to much time dwelling on what I thought my life was or what it should be that I am afraid I am missing out on what it is and seeing the good in it.  I may not be living the life I envisioned for myself, but I have a life I am living.  I need to live it and I need to trust that it is in all its imperfection a good life. 

FATHER'S DAY 2011

Ah, Father's Day.  A day when families come together and celebrate the fathers in them.  What can I say but how much I miss having a father to celebrate with.  Its been a day of remembrance.  I miss being with the various fathers that have been in my life.  We are all separate be it by miles, physical death, or death of a relationship, but the memories are all still intact and for those I am grateful!  A big thank you to the Father's and also Grandfather's in my life.  I love you all!

FROM...THE LETTER

As I've been working to clear out the house of 28 years of accumulated stuff I've been reading a lot of books to try and relax in the evening.  I really enjoy reading and try to make time each morning and evening to do a bit.  It was interesting that in a devotional I read earlier in the week the thought was presented that in every story we read God can be found.  I think the authors premise was that where ever there is protection, love, help, serving, and such it is God that is behind those acts.  The author of the  devotion challenged his readers to look for God's presence in everything we read and everything we experience during a days time.  Not sure if I follow his thinking about God being found in every book I've read, but it an interesting thought.

The book I am reading at the moment is The Letter by Richard Paul Evans.  It is the last book in The Christmas Box collection. I've already read The Christmas Box and The Timepiece. All are easy and quick reads and for light reading they are enjoyable. There were several statements made by one of the characters in the chapter of the book as he tried to help a friend deal with the pain of separation that stuck me this morning.  He said "We all got things under our skin.  Everybody does.  Like a glass sliver. Can't see nothin' there, but it works its way in deeper until it gets to festerin' and hurts so that we are ready just to cut the whole thing out."  Yep I guess I would have to agree with Lawrence.  I think at some time of our lives each and everyone of us has a glass sliver that has to be cut out or the festerin' gets real back and infection sets in.  If not taken car of the infection can kill us.  A shot while later Lawrence responds to David who has just said his wife  fell out of love with him, " David, you talk 'bout love like it a hole.  Somethin' you can fall in and out of."  David responds, "Isn't it?" Lawrence answers,  "That ain't love at all, just squirrel fever.  Just a storm of emotion....Real love ain't that way.  It's more like a tree or plant or somethin'....Grows if you mind it.  But it takes work and sacrifice.  No one stand back of a neglected tree and watch it die and say, 'Guess that tree just ain't suppose to live.'  Only a fool would talk like that.  But people   do it all the time with their love."

Maybe not God found here, but maybe a message I need to hear. 

IT'S INTERESTING....

So what's interesting might ask.  Well of course a lot of things are.  Tonight, for me, I am finding it interesting all the things in my life that I at one time thought were important enough to save. Things such as old calendars, old DayTimers, half used spiral notebooks, clothes decades out of date, tiny scraps of paper and fabric, old greeting cards that celebrated holidays and love, report cards, pictures from nursery walls, and the list goes on.  Some of these things may have some use still in them such as the old clothes, but they certainly won't do anything to raise my self image; or the scraps of paper and fabric but I have enough left over tiny scraps do I really need them all?  Some of the items like the calendars and DayTimers provide a small window into my past activities such as it was March of 2002 that I broke my left arm during a stage practice of Gypsy, but most of the entries are rather mundane and even more of the pages are blank. Old report cards????  I have mine and each of the kids.  WHY?  As for the cards.  I guess I kept them because someone once told me that when you get down and feeling sad its nice to have past greeting cards to pull and remind yourself of the good times and love people had for you.  Well some times that works other times.......not so much.
So why do we keep so much?  I don't believe I am the only one who does.  If I was people wouldn't moan about having to clear out a relative's home after they pass on.  So I continue on my quest to sort through a life time of memories and accumulations and I do my best to determine what is truly important and what is just stuff.  The stuff goes and a lot has gone.  The truly important stuff is savored and then put back on the shelf.  I doubt I will ever get down to 100 items like some minimalists achieve, but I will reduce the detritus of my life considerably.  The old framed pictures from the nursery walls are going but the homemade Mother's Day cards with a child's hand prints and those hokey poems are right back in the memory box and there they will remain.  

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

Each days Upper Room devotional reading has a Thought For The Day at the end of it.  I think today's thought is very pointed to me.  It is:

Make a list of the signs of hope around you.

Actually this is probably one of the most important things was all could do each day.  Today I will make this list because even before I read it I was for the first time in a long time aware of the beauty of the day today and the hope I have for a future.  Funny that I should have been feeling that way on the day that some are saying will be the beginning of the end of the world.  

So here is my list of signs of hope as of this morning:

1. The birds are singing a beautiful song outside my family room window.
2. There is a wonderfully cool and fresh breeze coming in my family room window.
3. After a dreary gray week of rain the sky is a beautiful blue.
4. My lawn has just be cut an even with the profusion of clover and weeds is a gorgeous fresh green.
5. I actually have a day off from work that has no plans for it at all.
6. My mom is home and well.
7. In my sorting and cleaning I found a friendship ring given by my grandfather to my grandmother and am now wearing it. It's made of copper I think and though there are those that say that copper does not help joint pain this ring is helping the joints on the hand I am wearing it.
8. I actually am looking forward to a day devoted to housework.
9. Next weekend is the wedding of my nephew and I look forward to celebrating love.
10. I have a good Shepherd who is walking with me through this life and all it brings my way and he will see me through the "valley of the shadow".  I am currently re-reading A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 and this was the focus of  today's chapter.

So I will go on into today with these thoughts and I will look for other signs of hope in my day. Why not look for them in yours as well.  

MORE TRIVIA FROM MEMORIES FOUND

Tonight I continue to go through boxes of memorabilia these boxes go back into the mid and late 60's:

• My Senior pictures in 1968 cost $31.00
• Senior class fees amounted to $15.75
• Round trip air fare to London in 1967 cost $353 on BOAC (anyone remeber that airline???
• A passport in 1967 cost $2.50
• I was not a stellar jr high student....except in Chorus
• Lowest report card grades through out HS were math and science yet on college entrance exams highset scores were math and science????
• Matches from 1969 restaurant visits still light
• A custom made prom dress cost $50 in 1968 
• A 1966 pay stub found from job at local pubic library.  $11.40 for two weeks work.

Next up going through memory box from college years........

ALWAYS A SCRAPBOOKER!

Scrapbooks are full of memories and also interesting information.  In sorting through the contents of boxes I have found scrapbooks I made 40 years ago and more. To think that young women today think they have stumbled across some new activity.  From what I can tell its just a much more costly activity today!  No stickers or designer paper in my old scrapbooks.  Simply hand drawn pictures and hand written notes.  There is lots of cards and memorabilia in them and very few if any photos. 

It is very interesting seeing how people signed their cards.  Also it is interesting to look back and see who the cards are from.  Lots of people who were friends, but whom have faded out of my life over the years.  There are some sad or bittersweet memories found inside really old scrapbooks.  Lots of wedding invitations from the early 70's and to the best of my knowledge only one marriage is still intact.  Not a good commentary on the children of the 50's and 60's.  Or at least not a good commentary on the people I befriended. Fortunately I can say that to the best of my knowledge only a very few friends represented in these scrapbooks has died. 

Now for a bit more trivia fund in looking through these scrapbooks:  Hotel rooms in NYC could be found for $30 a night and in Watkins Glen for $16 a night; Broadway tickets could be had for $6.50; Guided tours of the UN cost 50 cents.  All this in fall of 1971.  Disney World in 1972 cost $5.95 for an 11 attraction ticket book and one day in the Magic Kingdom (of course all there was there was the Magic Kingdom); parking there cost 50 cents a day; You could visit and take a bus tour of  the Kennedy Space Center for $2.50.   Also in 1972 Cypress Gardens was still in operation.

I still have more scrapbooks to go through.  They can't be kept and I guess why should they.  They represent ancient history at this point and there will be no room for them in my future.  If there were photos I might think other wise, but you know its interesting how Hallmark cards have not changed over the decades other than the price that is....in 1972 a special card cost 50 cents! 

CONFIRMATION

From today's devotion and bible reading:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick:

a wish come true is a staff of life.

~~Proverbs 13:12

I've found lots of wisdom in reading Proverbs.  Also some advice.  Chapter 13 is very interesting reading.

MEMORIES

Memory is a child walking along a seashore.  You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things.  ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

 Going through a home that has been lived in almost 28 years and contains memorabilia of a lifetime has become almost overwhelming.  I have discovered many "pebbles" that have been picked up and stored away over the years.  The dilemma is what memory to keep with a physical representation and what memories can survive simply in the heart.  There just won't be room as I downsize to keep all memorabilia that has been collected.   

There have been so many vacations, so many milestones, so many life events.  Which ones are most important to memorialize with things, or are the things attached to the memory just clutter.  What to do with that special quilt, the shelves of photos, the slides, the postcards and letters, a grandfathers rocking chair...the list seems endless and every drawer opened reveals more.  Some memory items go back generations.  But the  sorting must be done and the decisions must be made....keep this; dispose of that.  

I keep trying to tell myself I am not dismantling a life, but preparing for a continuation into a new phase of the life and there needs to be room for new memories: That this sorting and disposing of things from the past doesn't destroy or denigrate the past.  I tell myself memories are more than "pebbles" picked up along life's path.  They are things stored in the heart and the heart has an endless amount of space for them. 

Oscar Wilde shares a thought on memories in The Importance of Being Earnest--

 Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us.  

I can do this.  Its not quick and its not easy, but I can do this.  I pray I make wise decisions on what to keep in form of a memory item and what to keep in my heart unattached to a thing.  More impotantly I hope I don't accidentally dispose of  someone else's memory. 

A DAY FOR LOVE AND DREAMS COME TRUE!

A yes it seems today is a day for love and for dreams come true. From early morning to late at night, today all the news revolves around young love and the possibility that any young girl could one day meet her prince charming and become a princess.  I've been somewhat amazed at the amount of time that has been spent in looking and re-looking at the wedding of Prince William and Katherine.  They say over 1 MILLION people in the streets of London all trying to be part of this wondrous wedding and estimates of up to 2 BILLION people watching the wedding live on TV.  What is the drawing factor of this event?  Why is it that I really couldn't get into being a part of the event in real time?  I don't know.  Am I jealous or jaded about love?  Do I want to ignore others love since I seemed to be a failure at it myself?  Have I given up on the belief that dreams can become reality. Or is it simply that I am just to busy living my life, such as it is, to want to spend early morning hours celebrating this wedding.  I  have no idea what makes me unaffected by this wedding when it seems the whole world is enthralled and enchanted by it.  I wish I could feel thrilled and excited by it, but I just don't. Does this make me a bad or sad person?

DREAMS

A blog that I follow and receive e-mails from had some things for thought about following your dreams.
The writer of the blog asked the question "If you knew that tomorrow you could not fail, what would you put on your drawing board today?"  Then she went on to ask "What's holding you back?  Fear? Time? Money?"

Interesting questions to ask yourself.  I think that I will spend some time today while on the train trip from NC back to MD mulling these questions.  I'm not totally sure what I would put on the drawing board today if I knew I would not fail, but I don't even have to think about what would hold me back.  Probably all of the above; fear, time and money.  I definitely have a strong fear of failure.  Time is definitely a factor when combined to energy levels.  Then there is the money issue.  There is truth that we find both time and money for what is really important to us.  I have seen that in my life if I am honest about it.  So I guess it comes down to the fear factor.  What did Mary have to say about fear?  "If your fear of a negative outcome is keeping you from even trying, you will never succeed."

So I  have lots to think about today.  Is my fear of failure to keep me in the future from even attempting to make my dreams come true.  Can I step out in faith and go into a new tomorrow confident in my dreams?

Oh, the Blog I follow and got these thoughts from is Laying Some Tracks
Mary Hunt always has great tips for living life to the fullest yet within your means.  Check you her web site Debt Proof Living.

ONE DOORWAY FROM HEAVEN

I just finished a book by this title written by Dean Koontz.  In the book a character asks the question "What will you find behind the door that is one door away from Heaven?"   Every person that was asked this question had an answer, but only one got it right the first time asked.  I'm not sure there is one right answer to this question.  It may be that different people would find different things.  I'm not sure what my answer would be, but I love the answer given by Leilani: "If your heart is closed, then you will find behind that door nothing to light your way. But if your heart is open, you will find behind that door people, who like you, are searching, and you will find the right door together with them.  None of us can ever save himself; we are the instruments of one another's salvation, and only by the hope we give to others do we lift ourselves out of the darkness into the light."

We need people to walk this journey called life with us.  To walk the journey alone is to live in darkness.  We need to live our life in a manner that gives others hope.  Without hope life becomes, I think, meaningless and very dark indeed.