MOLOKA'I

I am reading a wonderful book titled Moloka'i written by Alan Brennert. Its a story masterfully told. A story that tell of the life of Rachel Kalama who at the age of 7, in 1891, contracts leprosy and is set to live on the Hawaiian island of Moloka'i at Kalaupapa, a leprosy settlement.

I would categorize this book as historical fiction. It is my favorite genre of fiction so I was immediately drawn into the story and would recommend it to anyone who loves to read. What I want to record here though so I can find it again is a quote from near the end of the book. It is a statement made by the character, Sister Catherine. At the time she makes this statement to Rachel, Sister Catherine is 70 years old and has been ministering to the young girls who are sent to Kalaupapa for over 50 years.  The two are speaking together after the funeral of Rachel's husband and Rachael has just been considering ending her life by just walking into the sea. Years before the two had observed the fist biplane to ever fly over the island and Sister Catherine had made the observation "Who can doubt the presence of God in the sight of men whom He has given wings?" Now she rephrases her thoughts on God. This is what she says.....

"God didn't give man wings; He gave him the brain and the spirit to give himself wings. Just as He gave us the capacity to laugh when we hurt or to struggle on when we feel like giving up.

I've come to believe that how we choose to live with pain, or injustice or death is the true measure of the Divine within us.....

....I used to wonder why did God give children leprosy? Now I believe, God doesn't give anyone leprosy. He gives us, if we choose to use it, the spirit to life with leprosy, and with the imminence of death. Because it is in our own mortality that we are the most Divine."

Why is this statement one I want to remember? Because for me it is a statement of faith. It is a statement that can fit so many situations in our own lives. In my life I have often wondered why God allowed my marriage to end. I can see now he didn't cause the divorce and it wasn't up to him to stop or prevent it. He has however put into me the ability to survive it and live with once again being single and alone. I just need to choose to use what He has put into me and move on into my new life.

This may not be the life I or He envisioned for me, but He has equipped me with what I need to live a happy, content and successful life where I am.

UPS & DOWNS

For several years now I have felt that I have been on a roller coaster emotionally.  I thought and hoped that given time and the finalization of  the change from being a married woman to being a single divorced woman the roller coaster ride would calm down. Obviously that has not happened yet. I still don't know what my emotional state will be on any given day.

Thankfully I have days that are wonderful and I see the possibilities of my new status in life.  I live in the moment and cherish each moment. I get excited on those days and enjoy dreaming of my future. Then the next day I wake up and all the day is made up of challenges that I just can't seem to surmount. I feel alone in the world and there seems no resolution to anything.

Where am I today...I'm okay....For the most part I can say life is good. I have some things to look forward to coming up.  I'm trying not to dwell on the future, but live in the present one day at a time. I am grateful I am basically healthy. I am grateful I have made some very good friends here in FL. I am grateful that for the next few months I have a nice place to call home.

There are things I wish I could change about my life and maybe one day they will change.  Some day the challenges I'm facing will end, but I guess I have to be honest; they probably will be replaced by new ones. So I guess I will forget about the roller coaster ride ever ending and will make the most of it. Maybe even I can find some excitement in the ride.

BEHIND THE 8 BALL

I know that "behind the 8 ball" is just a cliche.  At the moment when I look back on my life is seems that often I have lived my life just "behind the 8 ball". What do I mean by that? Many things in life seem to have a bell curve associated with them.  Say for example a craft group (since I am involved a lot with craft groups). In the beginning of the groups existence things are exciting and great. People are really involved, things happen and in general all is well. Then after time the group seems to peak.Maybe people get tired of it, maybe they get tired of running things or maybe they just have done everything within that craft and are ready to move on to something new. What ever the cause the group and its activities and excitement begin to wain and it begins to move down from the peak.  I look back at many things I have joined across the years and I seem to have a history of joining groups just before they peak and begin their downward slide. I'm behind the 8 ball.
 
Economically I feel I am living behind the 8 ball as well. I need somewhere to live come the end of the year. I've wanted to purchase a home for some time now, but due to circumstances which are pretty much beyond my control the bank will not give me a mortgage. While I wait to meet their qualifying factors I try to do everything I can to improve my chances. I've worked to get a FICO score that is in the upper range of excellent.  I've put aside money for a large down payment. I've tried every thing I can to get a job to no avail. The one thing I admit I haven't done is claim my social security early.  I will do that if pushed up against the wall to generate income. I don't need the SSI to live on now and would prefer to wait till I do need it in 3 years and get more as I will need everything I can get then. Unfortunately I may need the lower SSI now for the bank to issue me a mortgage. This brings to mind another cliche....I'm in that proverbial CATCH-22! Anyway while I wait to get that blasted mortgage approval I'm watching housing prices which have been low for over 5 years climb and I'm watching the mortgage interest rates go up even faster.  See.....once again I am behindthe 8 ball in life.

I'm trying to be patient and philosophical about all this.  I even try to find humor in it.  I'm working really had to trust that God has a plan in all this that I just don't see yet. I do admit though I am not good with patience and I have days where it is difficult to find the humor in not knowing where I will be living come November. So what I am left with is my trust and faith that God will somehow straighten out this mess my life currently seems to be in and that he does have a plan. Every day I pray "thy will be done....but God you know some resolution to my personal looming housing crisis would be nice.

Maybe the humor here is God know best and he knows I can't handle owning a home on my own so he's just not going to let me get one.........
.

How to Approach Life

This was my short devotional reflection from the Upper Room this morning.  It is so true! No matter what challenges on is facing in life this is the key to making it through them. God is so good and he sends each one of of so very many blessings each day. We must learn how to open our eyes and see them.  They are there! 

ALL GOOD TIMES are not in the past.
We are surrounded by everyday epiphanies. To get in the habit of encountering them, look each day for two things:

• Something that surprises you
• Something that inspires you

Many of us blunder through our lives as though we were asleep. Just being deliberately focused on seeing makes you more alert, more excited, more optimistic. You look, listen, and expect a life-giving surprise. … You may see things you have never noticed before.
- Judy Gattis Smith
Fear Not: Learning from Your Cancer

LIFE AT 63

Life at 63 is not quite what I expected it to be when I was 19.  When I was 19, 63 sounded so terribly old.   Actually it sounded ancient!  Now I am 63 and I find I am amazed that.....

• I love my jeans and still wear them.  Jeans for me are better than any other cut or style of slacks.
• I still sit on the floor when all chairs and couches are full with other people.
• I still love to sing and dance when ever possible.
• I enjoy going to rock concerts.
• I'm still wondering where I will be living in another 6 months.
• I continue enjoy driving.
• I love learning new things.
• I still worry about being alone for the rest of my life.
• I continue to wonder what my future will hold.
• I dream about finding someone to love, be loved by and grow old with.
• I still wonder who I am and what my passion is or if I have one.

When I look at my life at 63 the thing that amazes me the most is that in many respects it is not a whole lot different than what it was when I was 19.  How scary is that?  The one big difference is that when I was 19 I was sure that by the time I was the ancient age of 63 my life would be settled and boring.  How wrong I was.

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!

I have such wonderful memories of many fun Super Bowl Parties at our home in MD.  The chili was HOT!  The subs were yummy and yes even though it was a church related party the wine and beer was good.  Kids were running around the house and there were even a few serious football watchers.

Memories are wonderful but so are the present activities.  Today is another Super Bowl Sunday.  It's been a lone time since I've been to a Super Bowl Party.  It's been even longer since I've seen a Super Bowl with a "local" team playing.  When it comes to football I am still a Marylander and when the Redskins are out I become a Ravens fan!  To  night I am going to my first Villages Super Bowl Party.  It will be interesting.  I will know only two other people.  I will have fun!  I will cheer my team and yes there will be chili! Only time will tell if it is as good as our chili was.....I doubt it will be, but I'll give it a chance. 

This party won;t be the same as the past ones where I was surrounded by family and good friends, but it will be a new beginning of sorts.  New memories will be made and it will be fun!

GO RAVENS!!!!!!!!

MUSIC

I think it really is true that "music soothes the savage beast".  I'm not sure where that phrase comes from, but I do believe it is true.  Since I was a teenager facing all of the trials and emotions of those tumultuous years music has been something that has spoke to my soul and it did again tonight

I am so blessed to live in a community that has music available every night of the year.  Plus it is available not at just one location but three. AND it is free!!!!

 I love music.  It truly does speak to my soul.  I remember when I was a teen my mother used to say she could always tell what my mood was by what music was coming out of my room and that if it was "A Night on Bald Mountain" beware!  I also will never forget one night crying my eyes out and feeling that I had no friends and so alone.  My father came into my room and told me his song for me was "You'll Never Walk Alone".  Yes music has always played a large part in my emotional life.

Tonight I spent the evening with some friends at one of our town squares.  We went to hear the music of a band called "3 For the Road".  A group 3 guys who meet at our Beatlemanic club and decided to fulfill a life long dream of being in a band. How wonderful to fulfill a dream.AND how wonderful to bring music into the lives of others.

As I listened to their music I covered the range of emotions from sadness to euphoria.  Sadness and loneliness at the words of the love songs and euphoria at the songs of celebration and hope. I closed my eyes and while feeling alone also cherished the thoughts that even for me love would one day once again be a reality.  I swayed and sang along with the melodies and yes even danced when there was a line dance I knew the steps to.

I love music!  It does indeed soothe the savage beast that crouches in my soul.

CORRECT FOCUS

From today's devotional reading:

"It's not what we've lost which is what is important, but what we have left."

I continue to be amazed that my devotional readings so often seem to be specifically meant for me at the and show up just when I need them.  This today is a keeper.  It goes right along with the idea that the past can never be recovered so don't live there.  Live in the moments of today.  Remember today is called the present!

I also need to remember that my word for  2013 is MOVEMENT.  My movement will be forward not back!

MORE ON ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance seems to be a theme for me at the moment.  I have a devotional book I read every morning before getting out of bed. I use it to help me focus on what is important for the coming day.  This morning the reading stated:

"Don't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking of what might have been.  Start at the present moment--accepting things exactly as they are--and search for MY way in the midst of those circumstances."

The "My" is Jesus.  Yes this mornings reading was I think just meant for me. I still struggle with acceptance of where I am in life.  I love FL and I do not regret moving down here.  In my heart I know it was the correct move for me, but.....there always seem to be buts.....I need to give up the buts and move fully forward into my future.

RESIGNATION vs.ACCEPTANCE

I'm again reading and finding thoughts I want to remember and be able to refer to.  This time the book is Beyond Our Selves by Catherine Marshall. I  found this book buried on my bookshelf. It was  recommended reading in another book I am using a a daily devotional. I knew I had purchased the book a very long time ago when I saw not only how it had yellowed but that it was priced at $1.50!!!!!

The chapter I read this morning was titled; The Prayer of Relinquishment.  From its title I knew it was going to be an interesting read. Relinquishment is not something I find easy.  Often I think I am relinquishing something when in fact I am still holding on to a controlling thread or hope of what I want.Part of what Catherine Marshall wrote about here is the difference between resignation and acceptance.  I think often I find myself being resigned to a situation or outcome rather than being accepting of it.  Here is some of what she says:

"Acceptance is creative, resignation is sterile....Resignation is barren of faith in the love of God. It says 'Grievous circumstances have come to me. There is no escaping them....So I'll just resign myself to what apparently is the will of God; I'll even try to make a virtue out of patient submission.'
So resignation lies down quietly in the dust of the universe from which God seems to have fled, and the door of Hope swings shut.
But turn the coin over.  Acceptance says, 'I trust the good will, the love of my God....I know He means to make all things work together for the good, I consent to this present situation with hope for what the future will bring.' Thus acceptance leaves the door of hope wide open to God's creative plan."

At the heart of Faith is not resignation in what is happening in our life but true acceptance that God will take what ever life brings us and make it not only good but better than we can ever even dream of hoping for. This is giving over the control of our own life to the hands of God.

ON LIFE AND DEATH

I'm back home after an unexpected trip to Michigan for a family funeral.  Funerals are never a fun thing to take part in, but they are a part of life.  At some point we all will be involved in one. There is no avoiding them.  Part of living is dying.  That's just a fact. 

What makes family funerals or even those of friends bittersweet is that they often bring people who have been apart back together.  That was the case with this funeral.  It was for the husband of a cousin of mine.  When we were younger the three of us were quite a trio.  We did lots together and enjoyed each others company long before any marriages took place. My cousin and I grew up almost more as sisters than cousins.  Then in late high school her boyfriend (who later became her husband)  joined us,  Years went by, children were born, and I moved with my husband to a new state.  Eventually the distance of miles took us on different paths and we were no longer close, 

I've always felt guilty about letting the friendship lapse, but I guess never enough to do anything about it.  We had our own lives and our own problems.  In our youth these problems would have been shared and we would have gained strength from each other, but no longer.  That is until a death. 

I knew I had to go back for the funeral.  It didn't matter if the money was not available; a credit card was.  It didn't matter if there were meetings and plans that needed to be changed.  It didn't matter that we hadn't seen each other in over 6 years.  It didn't matter that we hadn't even talked to each other in over 3 years. It didn't matter that I was going from 75 degree sunshine to 30 degree snow showers.  I knew I had to go!  I had to support my cousin and honor her husbands life.  So I went.

Yes it was a time of sadness, but it was also a celebration of love. The love of a brother for his sister; a grandfather for his grandchildren; a father for his children and most of all a husband for his wife.  Gil knew what it meant to love and all he loved knew without a doubt that they were loved.  I was assured that I was loved as well. 

Yes death is a part of life. Though it is the end of life for the one who has died and it changes dramatically the lives of those left behind there can be a positive change. Death causes separation, but it can also bring together.  I hope that I have reconnected with family that I have been separated from for too long. 

UNEXPECTED TURNS

Once again I discover that life will throw unexpected twists and turns.  I am in one of those periods right now.  Flexibly is a must at this point both mentally and emotionally.  I pray God is with all involved and that there will be blessings found in these twists and turns of life.

WORD FOR 2013

I have a word for 2013.  It is:

 MOVEMENT

Hopeful this guiding word will help me a bit with my focus in the new year.  It can relate to many things I want to work on this year.  It could relate to exercise, finding a new home, finishing projects, travel......the sky is the limit.  It is a word that can keep me from getting stuck in a rut of inaction.  I can use it also in my crafting in areas like developing techniques or themes that depict motion.  

At a minimum if I keep this word in mind I will not find myself in the same place at the end of2013 that I am today on day 2 of 2013.  Hopefully all the movement I take part in will be upward and moving forward.

Today I will go for a walk and get moving physically!

WELCOME 2013

It's a new year!  I always find that with a new year comes hope of new possibilities and new beginnings.  I do not make New Year resolutions. Why set myself up for failure from the very first day of the year?  That just doesn't make any sense to me. I do how ever like to come up with a list of goals that I plan to work toward meeting in the course of the year.  Is there a difference between a resolution and goal?  I thing so.  For me a resolution is something that can become a straight jacket.  Something that MUST be accomplished or failure becomes the end result.  I have had enough failure in my life.  As I said earlier I don't need to set myself up for more.  A goal is somehow softer than a resolution.

Maybe I am just playing a game of semantics, but for me there is an important difference between a goal and a resolution. Making a resolution is committing myself to an end result.  Setting a goal is beginning on a journey or a process. Even the fact that I used the terms "making" and "setting" I think is significant.  Also I note the use of the words "committing" and "beginning".  For me these are also significant.

Over the years I have learned some significant things about myself.  One is I have a short attention span when it comes to long term projects.  (There are have been a few things I have been committed to on a long term basis, but in the end even some of them have not turned out too well) Also I get distracted and lose focus easily.  These are not traits I am necessarily proud of or like in myself, but they are me.  I've tried to overcome them and change, but the change never lasts.  At best I have tried to learn to live with them and work within their constraints. For these reasons goals work much better for me than resolutions.

So what are some goals I will work on in 2013?  I have identified several.  The first is one I set out every new year.  I usually manage to make some progress on it.  The second is one I actually was highly successful with in 2012 and plan to continue hopefully for the rest of my life. The rest are new to the new year.

• Work on completing some of the UFO projects that fill my closets.
• Spend the beginning of each day with a devotion and time with God.
• Find a new home for the end of the year.
• Find a means of increasing income in a way that doesn't take away from my enjoyment and contentment in life or find a way to reduce expenses without doing the above.
• Strengthen new friendships being made in FL.
• Maintain my health both physical and mental.

 I am sure more goals will pop-up through out the year.  I certainly hope they do.  I know there are a few more goals I have that I am  not ready to put into writing yet.  Maybe because I don't want to admit to them completely; maybe because I just am not ready to make them public quite yet, but they are in the back of my mind. In any case........

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

BEAUTY

I am currently reading or even though it has been over 40 years should I say rereading a short little book titled. YOUR GOD IS TOO SMALL by J.B. Phillips.  I first read it in a Philosophy of Religion class my freshman year at MSU.  For some reason it is one of the few books I kept from my college years.  And yes another quote and thought that I want to keep track of is coming..........

"True beauty always seems to bear with it a note of gentle sadness, sometimes very poignant; and it may well puzzle us why this should be so.  If the beautiful is so desirable and so welcome it should surely bring unqualified joy." 

Have you ever experiences this?  I have! It has always puzzled me.   I've looked out over a beautiful vista and experienced the beauty and joy of the scene. I've been so taken by the beauty that I have wanted to cry. At the same time a feeling of melancholy accompanied the joy of the beauty.  It has always puzzled me how one can be so happy and also sad at the same time.  The seem to be emotions at conflict with each other but maybe they are not.  Continuing on in the book Phillips goes on to explain a possible reason the above is so.

 "Is it possible that beauty is a hint of the real and true and permanent, so that we feel without conscious process of thought:  'This is what life should be, or what it is in reality.' And therefore to compare that with our ordinary everyday experience with all its imperfection and ugliness gives rise to a poignant pain?...Or is it the eternal spirit of man remembering here in his house of clay the shining joys of his real Home?"

 I find this explanation very interesting.  Do we have built into our subconscious a memory of  our real home. Over my year of reading during devotional times this year about our transitory life on earth and our real home being our eternal life with God. When we experience true beauty on earth does it trigger our memory of what was and should be? Is the sadness a longing to regain what we once had.  If so as a Christian the hope and joy is it will be once again. This Jesus promised.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Its another Christmas. I don't have much to say but wish you all a Merry Christmas.

THINGS TO PONDER FROM "THE WALK"

I mentioned reading THE WALK which was written by Richard Paul Evans in a previous post.  I have now not only finished this short book but also the second in what will become a series.  I don't know how many books it will take to write of Alan Christofferson's journey from Seattle to Key West.  A long walking journey for sure, but an even longer journey in discovery of  the point and purpose of his life after losing his wife in a tragic accident. 

Here is a selection of thoughts offered in THE WALK that I want to ponder.  I post them here so I can find them when I want to return to them.              

• “Everyone has a purpose for coming to earth...I've spent my whole life figuring it out. ..It took me years to realize the searching was the path. It was simple. My mission is to live and accept what comes my way until I get back home. My real home.”
• “The thing is, the only real sign of life is growth. And growth requires pain. So to choose to live is to accept pain. Some people go to such lengths to avoid pain that they give up on life. They bury their hearts or they drug or drink themselves numb until they don't feel anything anymore. The irony is, in the end their escape becomes more painful than what they are avoiding.”
• “I believe that in spite of the chains we bind ourselves with there is a primordial section of the human psyche that still yearns to roam free.”
• “I have decided on the destination; the path is but detail. I have begun my walk.”
• “Kierkegaard wrote that 'we understand our lives backward, but must live them forward.' He was right of course, but in looking back on the hammer strikes that chisel and shape our souls we understand more than our lives and even ourselves—we begin to comprehend the sculptor.”

ITS A BETTER DAY!

I'm still not into Christmas celebrations, but I definitely woke up in a better place yesterday and an even better place this morning.  I'm even sitting out on the lanai enjoying a morning breeze and some sunshine.  Maybe the dreariness of the past few mornings has been a big cause of how I look at the coming day.  I never did like gray as a color for the  sky or much of anything else.  Grey is a nothing color and it leaves me feeling like nothing.  Boy am I blessed to not be living up north anymore where gray days are the norm rather than the exception this time of year. 

Anyway, life is feeling a bit better right now.  God is so good.  It seems lately when things begin to get "gray" he puts something to read in my path that helps brighten things up.  This time is is a short book I've been trying to get from the library and a couple of weeks ago I placed a hold on it.  Friday it came in and Saturday I picked it up.  I didn't start reading it till yesterday since I knew if I didn't finish reading the book I was in the middle of I would never get back to it and finish it. (A bad pattern of mine).  I had a strong desire to read this little book. I don't really know where that came from since the main reason I originally wanted to read it was it is the first book in a series of two and a friend had given me the second book to read.  I've had the second book for months but couldn't find book one.  (Another reading trait of mine is I don't like to read book 2 before book 1.)  I powered my way through the book I was reading.  It was a long one and last night I started my new one.  I'm already half way through it.

Oh in case anyone is interested the short book is THE WALK by Richard Paul Evans.  Yes, he is the master story teller of short books.  I've read a lot of his other books which were I though nice easy reads and I enjoyed them, but this one is in my opinion the best.  As they say it is "speaking to my soul".  It is the story of a man who thought he had everything and then lost it all.  His escape from the pain of all he lost takes him on a very long walk from Seattle, Washington to Key West, FL. His story resonates with me. At my age I could not think of walking across the country to escape from the pain of loss or to redefine who I am in this new life. I did however drive away from my past life and move 900 miles down the coast searching for a new meaning.  In the book Alan has just begun his journey.  He started out the week after he lost the love of his life. In my case it took me two years to make my escape and I've been on my journey for a little over a year.

I don't yet know how Alan's journey will progress and I definitely have no idea where mine is taking me.  I just know that I am on a journey and if no one else is with me that I have one companion who has promised he will never leave me.  Daily I look to my companion and thank him that he will keep his promise to always be with me and ask that I have the faith and trust to believe in that promise.  That companion is God. The one who I believe put this short book in my hands at this time when I needed to hear the story of another's escape from loss and pain and rediscovery of self.  Alan's story may be fictional, but that doesn't detract from the truth it tells and the hope it provides.

YES IT'S DECEMBER AGAIN!

It's hard to believe that another year has gone by. Once again it is December and people are well into the planning of their Christmas holiday celebrations.  I always loved the Christmas season and I certainly know the real reason for celebrating at this time of year, the birth of our Savior. This Christmas however I am finding I just want it all to go away.  I don't want Christmas cards or Christmas carols.  I am not interested in Christmas parties or even Christmas presents. Yes this year I am Scrooge himself reincarnate. 

Christmases are for families and my family is forever fractured.  Never again will there be a Brown family Christmas as there was for over 35 years.  How do others adjust to this type of change?  I certainly know that I am not the first nor will I be the last to face these holiday adjustments.  Families are fractured for all sorts of reasons and others seem to accept, adjust, and move on.  I just don't know how they do it.  Today a friend who just lost her husband to death said they were told in her grief group that the third year was the hardest.  If that is so and the same is true for separation and divorce maybe next year I will be able to face the holidays again.  But this year I just want them to go away!

Bring on January!  I've had enough of December.

(I really do hope tomorrow I wake up in a better place.  I don't like feeling this way, but I've tried to fight the feelings and that was just making them worse so I decided to just go with the force of them and then move on.)

RULES FOR LIVING

At the start of the new millennium the Dalai Lama apparently issued eighteen rules for living. I just ran across these while surfing the internet.  The list may have been put together over 12 years ago, but they are definitely still relevant to today.  I thought I would share them here and also have them recorded so I can refer to them.
Given I love to travel I really like number 16 though I think there maybe more important ones.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
   1. Respect for self
   2. Respect for others
   3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.