Life it seems is full of dilemmas. I am trying so hard to be fiscally responsible. I don't want to spend money before I have it. But neither do I want to be alone. BUT how do I go out and be with people without spending money. Inviting people in is not the answer. That is even more expensive. So I sit home alone. Yes music at the squares is free. But I have been there often and pretty much everyone there is part of a couple. So my options are go to a bar, $$$, or as someone suggested if you don't want to drink go to Starbucks or Panara. They are both more expensive than bars. Booze is cheap in The Villages. Don't get me wrong. I like my life in The Villages. I just hope that some day I might love it. I just want to not be alone.
As a PS I guess I need to add that I think having to go out and sit in bars to not be alone is pretty pitiful. So I sit home alone most nights. Yep contrary to popular opinion most nights that is my life.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
A QUOTE TO THINK ABOUT
It's been some time since I have posted a quote here. When I did so it was usually a quote that has meant something in a current circumstance of my life or said something that I needed to think about and wanted a place to record it so I could come back to the thought.
This is what I read today in part of my devotional reading. It is something I need to think on and mull over. Its a quote from the author Flaubert. He was referring to what he saw as a division between God and man.
" He in heaven is responsible for the beginning and the end. We on earth are responsible for the in-between."
This is what I read today in part of my devotional reading. It is something I need to think on and mull over. Its a quote from the author Flaubert. He was referring to what he saw as a division between God and man.
" He in heaven is responsible for the beginning and the end. We on earth are responsible for the in-between."
Friday, July 18, 2014
ANOTHER WEEKEND
It's time for another weekend. In my life that is not a big thing. When one works retail there is no such thing as a weekend. Work can happen any day. At least in my case, though I am not guaranteed a weekend, I do get a guaranteed Sunday. The store I work at is actually closed on Sunday.
At the moment since "snowbirds" have gone north for the summer I do get Saturdays off unless there is a big sale. All that means for me though is more time alone. I can go out, but lately that is worse than staying at home. At least at home I expect to be alone and I am alone, alone. When I go out to squares for music or to bars for a drink I end up alone in the midst of a crowd of people who are with someone. That really hurts. So I don't do it often.
Tonight is an evening of all the chic flicks on Friday night TV. So far PS I Love You and now it's Sleepless in Seattle. Ah true love...can it ever be found? Is it found for someone over 30? Can it be found after its been lost? Or is true love a figment of Hollywood's imagination? I think I will just go get another glass of wine and get ready for another weekend.
At the moment since "snowbirds" have gone north for the summer I do get Saturdays off unless there is a big sale. All that means for me though is more time alone. I can go out, but lately that is worse than staying at home. At least at home I expect to be alone and I am alone, alone. When I go out to squares for music or to bars for a drink I end up alone in the midst of a crowd of people who are with someone. That really hurts. So I don't do it often.
Tonight is an evening of all the chic flicks on Friday night TV. So far PS I Love You and now it's Sleepless in Seattle. Ah true love...can it ever be found? Is it found for someone over 30? Can it be found after its been lost? Or is true love a figment of Hollywood's imagination? I think I will just go get another glass of wine and get ready for another weekend.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
MUSIC!
I attended a concert at my church tonight. Technically it wasn't the best concert I have attended, but it was wonderful the less. It was a Fred Waring Reunion concert. I have a long history with Fred Waring arrangements. Mainly through church choir music. But I also remember my mom talking about Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians. I would have loved to be able to share the concert with her. All the singers and musicians had at one time sang with Fred Waring. The oldest was an 87 year old gentlemen. He sang with such spirit.
The program began with a video on the history of Fred Waring and his impact on the music scene in the US. It was quite interesting and I learned that he was responsible for the Waring blender I got from my parents in 1983 when they moved to FL. He really was quite an amazing person.
I've always known that I have a strong emotional response to music. I not only hear it, but I actually feel it. I can loose my self in music and it is one of the few things that can actually move me to tears. As I listened to the music tonight I found my self quietly singing along with a number of the songs. I also found myself uplifted and at times becoming mournful for love that was lost. The did several favorites for me including The Impossible Dream from Man of LaMancha. . All in all it was quite an emotional evening. Not at all what I expected.
Did I learn anything from the evening.....YES....I've added another item to to growing list of things I am looking for should I ever have a relationship once again. I would like a man who can share in my love of music and if not share in the feeling of the music, at least understand my emotional response to music and my feeling it.
I just had to post the album I found while searching You Tube for Fred Waring. It is the album I grew up with at Christmas and thought I would never hear again. What memories. Now I can come to my BLOG and listen to it when I want.....How wonderful,
The program began with a video on the history of Fred Waring and his impact on the music scene in the US. It was quite interesting and I learned that he was responsible for the Waring blender I got from my parents in 1983 when they moved to FL. He really was quite an amazing person.
I've always known that I have a strong emotional response to music. I not only hear it, but I actually feel it. I can loose my self in music and it is one of the few things that can actually move me to tears. As I listened to the music tonight I found my self quietly singing along with a number of the songs. I also found myself uplifted and at times becoming mournful for love that was lost. The did several favorites for me including The Impossible Dream from Man of LaMancha. . All in all it was quite an emotional evening. Not at all what I expected.
Did I learn anything from the evening.....YES....I've added another item to to growing list of things I am looking for should I ever have a relationship once again. I would like a man who can share in my love of music and if not share in the feeling of the music, at least understand my emotional response to music and my feeling it.
I just had to post the album I found while searching You Tube for Fred Waring. It is the album I grew up with at Christmas and thought I would never hear again. What memories. Now I can come to my BLOG and listen to it when I want.....How wonderful,
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
MID YEAR
Half of 2014 is now gone. On into the second half I go. What will it bring? More of the same? Something new? Will it be a happy time, a sad time, a time of challenges, or a bit of all the above? I don't have a crystal ball to foretell my future. Truth be told I don't think I would want to know anyway. Especially if knowing the future didn't mean I could change it. So there is another question: Can my future be changed? I don't know. Do you? One thing I know for sure is I can't change my past. It is over and done with. It can be celebrated, regretted, or learned from but not changed. Maybe the issue is not to dwell in the past or fret about the future, but to just live fully and the best I can in the present.
Friday, June 20, 2014
TIME
I remember my Grandmother telling me that as you grew older time went by faster and faster. As a young teen I was pretty sure she didn't know what she was talking about. Either that or she was crazy. In my world time seemed to move very very slowly. Now that I am the age my grandmother was when she imparted her wisdom to me I can see its truth!
I can't believe it has been a year since I visited and wrote in this online journal. Much has happened in this year and yes the time has literally flew by. Most notable is I have once again moved. This time into a home I purchased on my own. 10 years ago if you had asked me, would I ever own my own home, I probably would have laughed. It was not on the time line of my planned life. Yet here I am. 2014 and I am a divorced single woman living on her own in a house she owns on her own. Life does have a way of surprising you with twists and turns you never imagined or hoped for.
So what brought me back here after a year? I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I don't really have anyone to talk to or anyone to listen to my thoughts and this is the place where I used to do my thinking and talking so I guess I'm back.
One of the things I have been thinking about lately is why I spend so much time posting things on Facebook. I post silly little things like what is going on with the weather, what I might be thinking about doing for dinner, or needing to speak of silly frustrations in my life. I'm sure there are people who think WHY? I think the "why" is because by posting what I am doing or what I am thinking about on Facebook I can at least pretend to myself that someone else cares about what I am feeling and thinking. I can pretend there is someone, somewhere, who cares about what is going on in my life. Oh, I know I have some friends and family who care about me, but they have lives of their own that they deal with on a daily basis. They are good for the "big" things in life, but sometimes I just need to feel someone knows about and cares about the little things. That's something a spouse or partner does. I don't have either of those nor do I expect to ever have one again. At least statistically the odds are against it. I had my chance and I blew it. So I turn to social media. It at least gives me a voice and I can speak what is on my mind. I don't even need a response, though they are very nice. I just need to get my thoughts out rather than keep them locked up.
When I started this BLOG Facebook was just starting up. I wasn't involved with it yet. This was my journal. A place I could share my thoughts with anyone who wanted to listen. A place I could return to and look back to see what I had been thinking or involved with in the past. I miss that. I've missed recording a year of my life. That year was full of milestones. It was full of joys and full of tears. Unfortunately I can't revisit those events or thoughts because I didn't take time to record them. I think I want to get back to writing.
2014 is almost half over and it seems it just began. I guess Grandma was correct. I know there will be more good times and more bad times. I want to be able to look back on them at a later time so I will try to come back here more often, I don't even care if anyone else is interested. This is for me. If I want to pretend someone cares I will continue to post short thoughts and events on Facebook.
I can't believe it has been a year since I visited and wrote in this online journal. Much has happened in this year and yes the time has literally flew by. Most notable is I have once again moved. This time into a home I purchased on my own. 10 years ago if you had asked me, would I ever own my own home, I probably would have laughed. It was not on the time line of my planned life. Yet here I am. 2014 and I am a divorced single woman living on her own in a house she owns on her own. Life does have a way of surprising you with twists and turns you never imagined or hoped for.
So what brought me back here after a year? I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I don't really have anyone to talk to or anyone to listen to my thoughts and this is the place where I used to do my thinking and talking so I guess I'm back.
One of the things I have been thinking about lately is why I spend so much time posting things on Facebook. I post silly little things like what is going on with the weather, what I might be thinking about doing for dinner, or needing to speak of silly frustrations in my life. I'm sure there are people who think WHY? I think the "why" is because by posting what I am doing or what I am thinking about on Facebook I can at least pretend to myself that someone else cares about what I am feeling and thinking. I can pretend there is someone, somewhere, who cares about what is going on in my life. Oh, I know I have some friends and family who care about me, but they have lives of their own that they deal with on a daily basis. They are good for the "big" things in life, but sometimes I just need to feel someone knows about and cares about the little things. That's something a spouse or partner does. I don't have either of those nor do I expect to ever have one again. At least statistically the odds are against it. I had my chance and I blew it. So I turn to social media. It at least gives me a voice and I can speak what is on my mind. I don't even need a response, though they are very nice. I just need to get my thoughts out rather than keep them locked up.
When I started this BLOG Facebook was just starting up. I wasn't involved with it yet. This was my journal. A place I could share my thoughts with anyone who wanted to listen. A place I could return to and look back to see what I had been thinking or involved with in the past. I miss that. I've missed recording a year of my life. That year was full of milestones. It was full of joys and full of tears. Unfortunately I can't revisit those events or thoughts because I didn't take time to record them. I think I want to get back to writing.
2014 is almost half over and it seems it just began. I guess Grandma was correct. I know there will be more good times and more bad times. I want to be able to look back on them at a later time so I will try to come back here more often, I don't even care if anyone else is interested. This is for me. If I want to pretend someone cares I will continue to post short thoughts and events on Facebook.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
MOLOKA'I
I am reading a wonderful book titled Moloka'i written by Alan Brennert. Its a story masterfully told. A story that tell of the life of Rachel Kalama who at the age of 7, in 1891, contracts leprosy and is set to live on the Hawaiian island of Moloka'i at Kalaupapa, a leprosy settlement.
I would categorize this book as historical fiction. It is my favorite genre of fiction so I was immediately drawn into the story and would recommend it to anyone who loves to read. What I want to record here though so I can find it again is a quote from near the end of the book. It is a statement made by the character, Sister Catherine. At the time she makes this statement to Rachel, Sister Catherine is 70 years old and has been ministering to the young girls who are sent to Kalaupapa for over 50 years. The two are speaking together after the funeral of Rachel's husband and Rachael has just been considering ending her life by just walking into the sea. Years before the two had observed the fist biplane to ever fly over the island and Sister Catherine had made the observation "Who can doubt the presence of God in the sight of men whom He has given wings?" Now she rephrases her thoughts on God. This is what she says.....
I would categorize this book as historical fiction. It is my favorite genre of fiction so I was immediately drawn into the story and would recommend it to anyone who loves to read. What I want to record here though so I can find it again is a quote from near the end of the book. It is a statement made by the character, Sister Catherine. At the time she makes this statement to Rachel, Sister Catherine is 70 years old and has been ministering to the young girls who are sent to Kalaupapa for over 50 years. The two are speaking together after the funeral of Rachel's husband and Rachael has just been considering ending her life by just walking into the sea. Years before the two had observed the fist biplane to ever fly over the island and Sister Catherine had made the observation "Who can doubt the presence of God in the sight of men whom He has given wings?" Now she rephrases her thoughts on God. This is what she says.....
"God didn't give man wings; He gave him the brain and the spirit to give himself wings. Just as He gave us the capacity to laugh when we hurt or to struggle on when we feel like giving up.
I've come to believe that how we choose to live with pain, or injustice or death is the true measure of the Divine within us.....
....I used to wonder why did God give children leprosy? Now I believe, God doesn't give anyone leprosy. He gives us, if we choose to use it, the spirit to life with leprosy, and with the imminence of death. Because it is in our own mortality that we are the most Divine."
Why is this statement one I want to remember? Because for me it is a statement of faith. It is a statement that can fit so many situations in our own lives. In my life I have often wondered why God allowed my marriage to end. I can see now he didn't cause the divorce and it wasn't up to him to stop or prevent it. He has however put into me the ability to survive it and live with once again being single and alone. I just need to choose to use what He has put into me and move on into my new life.
This may not be the life I or He envisioned for me, but He has equipped me with what I need to live a happy, content and successful life where I am.
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